::bows:: thank you.
I am 17 years in human-speak. I have some teeth. I have some claws. However I am sprightly, once my drugs are given to me, in that easy-to-chew-oh-so-good-kangaroo mince! Did I tell you time that I brought down an entire mob of 'roos. By myself? Oh, I must indulge you one day … when I feel like it … And I’m a HIM 
I am allowed to sit in my human’s lap at all times. Even when she’s covered said lap with a large chunk of white cloth and waving her hands about it in a strange fashion. Every handiwork looks better when covered in cat hairs.
The same goes for knitting. The fact that she doesn’t allow me to play with the ball of yarn currently in use will not deter me from plonking myself down and making threatening moves in the ball’s direction.
It doesn’t matter that I am an indoor cat and I’ve been outside only briefly and rarely and the last couple of times I managed to get out I froze in abject terror mere inches beyond the threshold. I am still permitted, nay obligated, to dash through your ankles in a frantic escape attempt every time you enter or exit the domicile.
Although I am perfectly capable of keeping myself fed when the humans are away, if one is around when I am in the mood for a nosh then they must come over and give me attention. If they do not immediately come to pet me then I must yell at them until they do. (I’ve never seen another cat do this…my boy loves to have you pet him while he eats. He purrs up a storm if you do. I fear that habit will never be broken)
Oh yeah, I forgot about the knitting. Everything I knit has the added strength of cat hairs knitted right in. Then there’s the need to chomp on the knitting needles as they move around…
There are certain things that my humans do that must be closely supervised. At the top of this list are pooping and sex. The latter especially requires loud meows and strategic licking.
I finally signed up for bungie.net and linked my gamer profile. Much easier to try and add all of the dopers on Least’s friends list that way. I just spammed invites to you anyone I have no memory of playing or seeing on my freinds list already. Apologies if I’ve inundated any of you with multiple invites these past few months.
From Scratch, a co-worker’s new cat: If someone brings you to work in a gym bag, puts the bag on a chair and unzips it, if you just lie flat in the bag and wait until a bunch of humans are gathered around before popping your head out, you will make them all scream like little girls.
All of my kisses will make you smell faintly of meat.
If your naked buttcheeks are in range, I will lick them.
Of course I will sleep and groom on the bed you just bought for me. It’s bigger than yours, right? … Oh. No deal. I’m keeping yours.
When vomiting, I will back up continuously, so as to leave a trail of detritus, rather than the traditional puddle. I am ahead of my time.
No matter how many times you show me that it’s raining, I will still yowl to get outside. I will run between your legs into the rain, then become very angry when I get wet. This will be your fault.
If it pokes out from under the covers, I’m biting first, asking questions later.
Your toes are yummy. I will be biting them now, thank you.
Tigger does that as well. My fault, since at times I do tease him with them. Ahhh, the burdens of conditiioning.
Pixel thinks it’s a ride. Very disconcerting when she tries to hold on.