I’m all for biodiversity, but how many varieties of hobgoblin, chupacabra, borrower, gnome, human, cat and dog can this small ecosystem sustain?
ETA - we also may have a ghost. The guest room has a haunted shoe on a shelf.
Obligatory Steven Wright joke:
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’
It depends on what the raccoons and mice will allow.
Right.
Given what is missing, I think we can come up with a possible profile. I suspect that there is one burglar who:
*Thinks your jarred salsa is FAR too mild and has added in the jar of cardamom to add spice. This person would likely have experience eating spicier ginger-based foods and misses them.
*This person would seem to be very carbs-conscious and is watching his weight. I say this because I suspect that he scooped the salsa-mix out of the jar and into his mouth with the oyster cards, so as to totally avoid ingesting any chip.
I use the singular as I believe that one jar of salsa was not enough to share and that two people could not possibly stand the smell of each other after eating that mix.
*I believe that the burglar used the paper towels to wipe their face, wipe clean the oyster cards, wipe for prints, and possibly disposed of the used towels afterward in your bathroom.
*The batteries were puzzling, but is is possible that he wrapped the batteries in the $5 bill and mailed them to “Energizer” at the address on the back of the package in a vain attempt to Taunt The Energizer Bunny.
*The burglar then exited, dropping the batteries in a mailbox and taking the oyster cards with him.
What this could mean:
The man who is your burglar has Extremely bad breath from ingesting that much salsa/ginger, may have spent some time in the UK learning to enjoy spicier foods, is a neatness freak, may just have an irrational hatred of bunnies,
and his remote control Does Not Work.
I’ve attached an artists image of someone who might fit that description.
If someone who looks like this has been in your home, I urge you to Please call the police… 
Funnily enough one time my dad was suffering from delusions brought on by an infection. he totally freaked me out when he rang to tell me that burglars had got in and done just that. Only while the new things looked just like the old ones they weren’t as good. He also claimed that aliens had visited his road and given presents to all his neighbours but none to him. Big relief when a course of antibiotics sorted all that out!
You should have recorded it for youtube so it could go viral.
You are making an unfounded assumption on the burglar’s gender. There was that episode of Coupling (the second one, as I recall) where Jeff and Patrick advised Steve to check Susan’s remotes – women sometimes have other priorities for batteries, like, um, toothbrushes, yeah, that’s it, toothbrushes.
Someone keeps stealing my socks, leaving me with unmatched singles. Could it be the same person who has stolen my pen several times? This burglar is really slick - there’s never any evidence of a break-in, nothing is disturbed - it’s as if stuff just vanishes.
Are you by any chance missing a receipt for a returned “Othello” CD from 1994? 
Saw that thread! That does sound like something I’d return.
Another thing: sometimes the burglar breaks in and returns things he stole days, weeks or even months ago.
Bravo to you sir!
Whoooooooshhhhh!!!
The OP reminds me of a conversation I had with my ex wife about 7 years ago. She told me that their townhome had been broken into. I asked her what had been stolen and she told me that they suspected the maintenance man had broken in and used their laptop to surf porn while they were out! They were planning on calling the police soon and filing a report.
I asked her if it wasn’t our then 12 year old son. She said that he wouldn’t do that and that they had asked him and he said no.
When I got home that night, I checked the history on our home computer and found several questionable searches and visits to sites that I nor my wife had been to. Upon questioning my son, he confessed and admitted that it was him that surfed the porn on his mom’s laptop. His punishment was that he had to call her and tell her it was him.
Another thing about the burglar who’s been victimizing me: sometimes when he breaks in and returns things, he puts them under a pile of stuff I haven’t moved in a while. I don’t understand how he’s able to do this without disturbing anything.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t appreciate a nice smile on a woman…
As a Peace Corps volunteer, I developed a mild case of pilfering kids. The first thing that I noticed was that my powdered milk supply seemed to be running out faster than usual. Then, my brand new containers were suddently half empty. In the meantime, I developed a strange feeling every time I returned home, nothing was wrong, but everything was…off. I couldn’t pinpoint anything gone, but it didn’t feel right.
I upgraded my locks, and soon after my door was forced open, confirming that something was wrong., They stole a pair of broken glasses for extremely farsighted people, some local costume jewelry, and a CD-ROM for a 1990s era computer game, among other junk.
When I told a friend of the case, he reported that his neighborhood had recently been hit by a crime wave. He claims he returned home one day to find unexpected dirty dishes in his sink. Someone had cooked on his stove. Then he went to the bathroom and found his shower had been used. Then, he heard the TV on in the bedroom,a and there he found two women in a state of undress, freshly showered and eating a home cooked meal. In his words…“These women were LESBIANS!” and apparently his area was rife with lesbians breaking into people’s houses to do basic household tasks.
All I can conclude is that Cameroon has strange crime.
Did you leave your clothes dryer door open?
I suspect the vortex that steal socks became a little curious.
Were they eating porridge?
tuna, obviously