A list of things my children will never have to experience/worry about

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

[ul]
War
Genocide
Poverty
Pollution
Rape, murder, robbery, assault, or any other crime
Imprisonment
Finding employment
Working at a job they hate
Mass shootings/random violence
Tyranny
Taxes
Torture
Imprisonment
Terrorism
Loneliness
Having to find a mate
Boredom
Rejection
Cancer or any other disease
Car crashes
Premature balding
Injury
Menstruation, urination, defecation, and other bodily functions
Hunger
Misery
Grief
Depression
Mental ilness
Guilt/shame
Long waits at the DMV
Long waits at the doctors office
Debt
Getting good grades in school
Fatigue
Lack of sleep
Loss
Heartbreak
Desire for things they will never be able to have
Anger
Frustration
Obesity
Climate change
Fear
Loss
Failure
Nasty divorces
Not having enough money to “make ends meet.”
Old age
and last but not least…
DEATH

[/ul]

I have found an utterly foolproof way to prevent my children from experiencing or worrying about any of the above. What would you guys say? You think I did them a solid?

#2

Let me guess, you don’t have kids.

#3

Not losing their connection to Napster because someone picked up the phone.

#4

No, I have children. They just don’t exist in this world. They exist in the Realm of the Unborn, and they shall remain there forever.

#5

Not really. There’s an equally long list of joys you prevented them from having.

#6

The unborn cannot be deprived of anything.

#7

Except life.

#8

You forgot “Having a chronically depressed father to whom even Eeyore says ‘Hey, lighten up, man!’.”.

#9

If your children somehow exist in the “Realm of the Unborn” then it’s possible they’re not happy there. The only sure way to avoid suffering is to not exist.

#10

I was speaking allegorically when I said that.

#11

These are also things Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny don’t have to worry about.

#12

So you don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of us having to go through all that shit, eh? Nice.

#13

You don’t have unborn unless your sperm got to the egg. You just have a gleam in your eye.

#14

‘Unconceived’ would be a more correct term.

#15

Ah, semantics. You know what I meant.

#16

In that case they can’t be spared anything either.

#17

Mind. Blown.

#18

I think you just passed a solid.

Granted, the world has a lot of problems. It also has a lot of joy. You’re depriving them of the joys of that first perfect spring day, of falling in love, of being a parent, of discovering a cure for that disease or writing that novel or working to better the world. It can be a joyless, unhappy world but for every challenge there is an opportunity.

#19

Are you sure that word means what you think it means?

#20

It is inherently dishonest to leave out all the things your children will never experience and enjoy:

Ice cream
Bacon
A threesome (the good kind, not the devil kind)
Roller coasters
Learning to read
Birthday cakes
Moving away from their parent(s)
Seeing you called and not return the call

There’s so much more to add, but I’ve proven my point.