The Littlest Briston (now six, for those of you playing along at home) was splashing away in the tub over the weekend. I had the door open a bit so I could hear what was going on (and more importantly, hear if things got too quiet) while I did a few chores. After awhile I popped my head into the bathroom just to make sure things were going ok.
“Yup! I’m just making a porn movie!”
Ok, I get it – this is one of those moments where the universe is just testing you, right? Like, the Fates want to see how fast I can phone up her mother and find out exactly what the fuck is going on over there when she has the kid, is that it? I mean, I’m standing here trying to figure out what an appropriate response should be, and I don’t want to go into “instant flipout” mode which could make the kid think that–
“Yeah, I’m taking my bucket, and I pour the water over my head, and I’m pretending it’s a movie – I love making pouring movies!!”
My kid picked up a joke off one of her message boards - about the big bad wolf accosting little red riding hood, with a knife.
I had to explain that he was not actually going to use the knife as a screwdriver on her skull to ‘screw her brains out’
and Red’s response wasn’t literal (heh) when she pulled a gun and replied ‘No, you’ll eat me like it says in the book’.
Poor kid was mortified. I was just happy she’d passed on the joke to me before telling it at school. Bless the internet, bless it’s little heart.
Speaking of tykes in tubs, when I was little I can remember taking a bath by myself and deciding to try floating face down while holding my breath.
It was at that moment that my dad walked in and saw his son floating face down in the bath. I can still remember the horrified shout that he let out and as a parent now I can only imagine the terror and relief a split second later.
That is too adorable!!! Definitely one for the books! (Gotta remember it for the day, many many years from now, that you are doing the father of the bride speech at her wedding)
When my son was learning words, of course he mispronouced a few. Cut to the scene where the Tree Guy shows up in a big rig, gets out and starts to walk toward me to discuss some seasonal trimming. My son runs out, points to the guy (actually the truck, but the guy was in line with it) and shouts “dumb fuck Daddy! - Dumb Fuck!!!”
The Tree Guy is looking at me like “do I need to kick this Dad’s ass?”
And I turn to my son and say “why, yes, that is a dump truck” (all trucks were dump trucks at the time…). Tree Guy relaxes and laughs - thank Og…
When my nephew was 6 he asked his mother what a diaphragm was.
My sister-in-law lived for parenting moments like this one. She spared no detail…talking about the special things mommies and daddies do and how sometimes they do not want babies from these special hugs etc etc…she even told him about spermicidal jellies.
He gave her a puzzled look and replied “Then why does my teacher keep telling me to sing from my diaphragm”?
