This weekend my family and I went out to brunch like we do every Sunday. After we finished eating my daughter said she needed to go potty so off we went into the bathroom so she could do her business. When we were done she was washing her hands (which she loves and insists on doing for about 5 full minutes) when someone else came into the bathroom, walked into a stall and relieved themselves. Upon hearing the toilet flush my daughter started clapping and yelled, “Yay! You pooped onna potty! Give her candy, Mama!”
p:o:p
So how have your little ones entertained and embarrassed you lately?
My wife took my four-year-old daughter to the grocery store the other day, and let her try pushing her own miniature cart for the first time. She absolutely loved it, and took the whole thing very very seriously. My wife gave her groceries, and she would very carefully put them in her cart. Anyway, at one point they got separated while turning a corner, and an older guy came between them. My daughter piped up with “Watch out! There’s a kid coming through!” She’s autistic, so we don’t often hear that much clear communication out of her at once, which made it extra cute.
Sooo… our kids were 5 and 3 at the time. Their aunt had just had a baby a few months ago. Now, we are visiting with Grandma and Grandpa. My precious 5 year old son was beside me while Grandma cut a piece of cake for him. He asked her, “Grandma, when are you going to have the baby?” (Grandma is very Italian, and has a rather large bosom…) At this moment I was hoping the ground would swallow me whole.
Last 4th of July I took my 4 and 5 year old nephews to buy some fireworks. The clerk was trying to be nice and my asked my nephews “Are you going to get to light some fireworks, or is your dad going to light all of them?”. My four year old nephew pointed at me and yelled at the top of his lungs with disgust in his voice “He’s not my daddy”.
I looked at the poor cashier stone faced and handed him the cash to pay and left without saying a word. I felt a bit guilty for not admitting I was their uncle.
Just the other day, we were on a city bus and out of the clear blue, my three year daughter piped up with:
There is CHEESE on my BUTTOCKS!
There is CHEESE on my BUTTOCKS!
This was repeated quite a bit. I am still not 100% sure what she was on about, but I think it has something to do with a completely different bus we had taken earlier. It had a geometric pattern on the seats, and (I think) she was acting like the design was slices of cheese that she was sitting on.
It was the day after I had taught my daughter the correct names for the external sexual characteristics of boys and girls and we were in the bank. Being a Friday the bank was packed full.
Suddenly, with no apparent prompt, the little trickster loudly announced, “My mommy has a penis.” And all eyes swiveled in our direction where I got a quick but searing examination.
I stared straight ahead, expressionless as possible, thinking any reaction from me (or anyone else) would call for a repeat in the library, the grocery store, etc.
Many many years ago I was with my then girl friend and her son. (later my wife and stepson, now my ex wife and still my step son, but I digress)
We were on a crowded tram in the inner Melbourne suburbs going to or coming from somewhere I can’t remember. Anyway, the young bloke was about 26 months and was in the stroller. I was sitting down, as was his mum, and people were standing up around us packed in quite tightly.
I noticed a reasonably attractive young girl, probably 14 or 15, was standing right next to his stroller. She was wearing a knee length skirt and casual top and had a somewhat odd smile on her face.
I looked down and saw that the young bloke had his arm up under her skirt and realised the reason for the strange smile. Obviously no one but me was in a position to see she was being fingered by a 2 year old and didn’t seem to be hating it.
So I, tactfully, removed his arm from up her skirt and engaged his attention on something else, not making eye contact with the girl.
Little bugger turns 30 this year and you still can’t keep him away from skirt.
:eek: :eek:
Pardon me, I seem to have misplaced my brain bleach. Think I’ll go find an icepick and do a self-inflicted transorbital lobotomy instead, so I don’t have to remember that.
My son, 3, has discovered the Japanese words for penis and poo-poo. (We speak Japanese at home, as my Taiwanese wife and I met, got married and started our family there.) He repeats them all the time. He doesn’t seem to say them in Chinese or English much, so we mostly just ignore it.
Two weeks ago, he took a bad spill and cut his chin, requiring a visit to the ER and five stitches. He was naturally very unhappy about being held in place while the doctor worked on him.
Just when he started resisting, I told him, in Japanese, that the doctor has a penis, and he burst out laughing. He would say no “she doesn’t” and I would say “Yes, she does.” He enjoyed that as much as any three-year-old should.
The doctor asked what was funny, and I told her it was an inside joke.
I left my young daughters with their older cousin at a lunch counter. I gave her money for cokes and hamburgers. I walked down the street to run an errand. They were supposed to eat and meet me at the car.
My darling girls finished their burgers and spotted some pastries on a display stand. They grabbed them and tore open the packages before their cousin could react. She didn’t have enough money to pay for everything. This poor 12 year old didn’t know what to do. I waited at the car awhile before going back to the drug store. I found three girls all tearing up and the cashier was glaring at me. I felt so terrible for putting them through that. I paid and got out of there as quickly as possible.
Miss Greenjeans was probably around 3-years-old when we went to buy a Mother’s Day gift – a jewelry box. As we walked through the department store, we passed the lingerie section. She stopped in front of the bras and picked up the biggest one there. This thing would’ve held large grapefruits. She held it up and said out loud: “Dad, we should get this for Mom. Wouldn’t she be surprised?” Everyone within 30 feet or so had a good laugh. (Extra joke: My wife is pretty petite, so, yes, she would have been surprised.)
When my daughter was about 3 I brought her with me while clothes shopping. I needed to try on some pants and brought her into the change room with me; there were other men in other change cubicles at the time. As I removed my jeans my daughter says out loud “Daddy! You’re wearing big girl panties just like me!”
They were briefs, and usually I wore boxers.
I had to reply calmly, in my manliest voice, that no it was in fact men’s underwear.
My daughter was about 4 at the time.
We had gone to the store and as we were walking to the door, she saw a man smoking a cigarette.
She rather loudly said: HE’S SMOKING, MOM!!! DOESN’T HE KNOW HE IS GOING TO DIE???
I told her he was an adult and as an adult was allowed to do as he wanted. BUT HE IS GOING TO DIE! DOESN’T HE CARE HE IS GOING TO DIE? HIS FAMILY WILL MISS HIM AND HE DOESN’T CARE!!
His wive was anti-smoking, apparently, because she started in: “you see? Even a kid knows how awful it is”. This went on the entire length of the parking lot. My daughter and his wife concerned about his imminent death. I swear, if he could have he probably would have put 50 cigarettes in his mouth to spite them.
When your kiddo goes through potty training, you have to talk about bathroom stuff a lot and give out inordinate praise for doing it right, which leads to unintended consequences. Such as the time I was standing in JC Penney’s, waiting for my wife and daughter to return from the bathroom. I see them walking toward me, and the little Torqueling yells to me from across the store, “DADDY, I POOPED IN THE POTTY! THERE WAS A BIG ONE, AND A LITTLE ONE!” Of course there were appropriate hand gestures, why wouldn’t there be?
And there was the time I only heard about, when Mrs. Torque took the little Torqueling to a wedding when she was not quite 3. Of course, she got restless in the church, and my wife, attempting to get her to settle, told her, “You have to be quiet, because everyone’s sleeping.” The Torqueling stood on the pew, faced the gathered assembly, and hollered, “WAKE UP!!”
When my daughter was just old enough to be embarrassed by dad holding her hand in public (maybe 6?) we were leaving the mall to get the car. She pulled her hand away. I put my arm around her shoulder. She said, “Stranger Danger!”. I immediately dropped my arm and turned beet red. Sadly, nobody did a thing.
When my son was 8 he and I did a cruise to Alaska. I had a notarized letter from his mother stating that he was traveling with me and it was OK with her. I stressed to him that it was not cool to joke around with security. Well, when we were going through customs/immigration in Vancouver a woman took him aside for questioning and he gave me a devilish smirk. The woman saw his expression and commented to me that I was surely going to have my hands full. During the cruise itself, he told the children’s activity director that wasn’t in a hurry to go back to our room, because he was pretty sure I had women there!?!?
Related previously: My boss was over for dinner and we were discussing different foods. He mentioned having eaten both squid and octopus. My daughter piped up with “Oh, I know the difference between them! A squid has more testicles!”
We were at a friend’s house for dinner. The meal was some sort of casserole. My son observes: “Well, it doesn’t look very pretty, but it sure tastes good!”
We were at Disneyland many moons ago. A little person came towards us with a cigar in his mouth. My son, loudly: “Dad! Why is that kid smoking?”
My brother, my son (about 7 years old), and I were playing a game of Sorry! Bro and I were facing each other across the table, with Son in the seat between us. Son had already won, but Bro and I were playing for second place. Then, out of the blue:
Son (turning to Bro): “I hope you win…” (turning to me): “…'cause you suck!”
It was some time before either one of us had the breath to continue!
When my son was about 3, I told him to run up to his room and get dressed.
This was, of course, long before he was officially diagnosed with ADHD.
He went straight up to his room, and didn’t hear from him for a while. His godmother and I both went upstairs to see what was up. He was lying on the bed naked.
When his godmother asked him, “What are you doing,” he barely looked up, and just answered seriously and sincerely, “I had to check my penis.”
p:o:p
