My son was probably 3 or 4 at time time. He had managed to get into a box of my wife’s pads. He had a grand old time pulling off the paper and exposing the adhesive strips. He was sticking those things everywhere! I was laughing my ass off, my wife didn’t think it was so funny. Fast forward a couple of hours, my wife is in line at the bank and someone comes up to her and says “ma’am, you have something on your behind.” Of course I roared laughing… she gave me the look of death and waited in the car.
He is absolutely correct, and I’d bet he’s speaking with the voice of experience.
This would be even more hilarious if you started using it in inappropriate contexts as a family in-joke:
“How come you got a speeding ticket?”
“I was in a hurry to check my penis.”
“Why were you on the phone so long?”
“I had to keep checking my penis.”
Moon Unit was 6 when we went to Florida for vacation, and visited Cape Kennedy one day. She spotted a woman (a little person) walking by and burst out with “How did you get to be so short???”. The lady smiled and said “I grew this way! How did you get to be so blonde?” while I was spluttering and looking for a hole to crawl into.
Told to me by a friend -
They lived high in the mountains of Colorado, and consequently were not exposed to a lot of diversity. He told how he was traveling with the family and staying at a motel. They took the little ones out to the pool. While they were there, a large-ish black man showed up at the pool…
“LOOK DADDY, A BEAR!”
When my son was stroller-aged, he would always throw/drop his bottle, toy, or whatever, in front of the prettiest girl around. Of course, the girl would pick it up and play with him a bit. He never did this with men, or even ordinary looking girls. It was always the hottest chick around.
But, he never tried to get intimate with the girl! (Well, at least not until high school.)
Not my kid, but…
I was at a taekwondo tournament a while back and had to make a run to the men’s room. While I was on the throne, I heard the following conversation between a dad and a young boy who had apparently been on the throne for some time.
“Johnny, you need to hurry up and finish. We have to get back to your ring.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean, you can’t?”
“IT FEELS LIKE A BASEBALL COMING OUT OF MY BUTT!”
I finished up and exited. Dad is standing there, beet-red and shaking his head.
In the mall, when the boy was about 3. We are strolling along fine and I think he is keeping up. I turn to make sure he is there and he is stopped a few feet away, right in front of a woman sitting on a bench. He pointed at the woman, his finger maybe two feet from her face, and shouted to me: “Look, she looks just like a rabbit.” Sure enough, the woman had a harelip. Much apologizing ensued.
Same child, maybe 2, had become interested in his equipment and had noticed that it was sometime “big” and sometimes “little.” Little boys sometimes get erections. It’s a fact of life. A few times (we were potty training) he had pointed out that he had a big pee-pee. No big deal, we let it go. One day he sees me taking a piss and, of course, I had a ‘little’ pee-pee at the time so he had to excitedly announce to everyone in the house: “I have a big pee-pee and daddy has a little pee-pee.” It’s kind of embarassing when even 2 year olds brag about their equipment being bigger than mine.
A few years ago, we attended a wedding at which there was an excellent performance of a passage titled “The Sound of the Genuine.”
Except that partway through the reading, my toddler, mishearing the word “genuine”, asked me, “What does ‘chicken’ mean?”
So I heard the rest of the passage like this:
“And when the Sound of the Chicken in you
Meets the Sound of the Chicken in me
It will create the melodious symphony God heard
when He decided, ‘Let us create humanity!’”
So far nothing my kids have come up with rivals the friend’s friend’s toddler standing up in the shopping trolley in the snack aisle of the supermarket, yelling over and over at the top of his lungs ‘I WANT COCK PORN!!!’
Popcorn.
I doubt this beats the one above popcorn… BUT, when I was a wee lass, my Mom was taking me to the doctor’s for a suspected Urinary Tract Infection. After working through all of the many ways to get a young child to pee on demand, she had to go, so quickly used the toilet in front of me, and we went back to the waiting room (full of people) to wait for the results.
Of course, at that moment “Momma, why does yours have fur and mine doesn’t?”
My daughter enjoys looking at photos, and especially when she was younger, she delighted in going through the photo albums.
When she was about 4 or so, she was going through one of my mother’s older photo albums, looking at my aunts and uncles when they were little, and most were black & white photos (from the 40’s through 50’s), asking who was who, and where it was, the usual little kid questions.
She stopped and looked for a long time at a picture of my mother when she was a teenager, which was in black & white, looked up at me with the most curious look and asked, “were you black and white when you were little?”
It took everything I had to not laugh, and explained to her about color film and black & white film.
4 year old grandson, riding with us, and his older sister, begins repeating every word or sound made by the sister… After a minute or so, I interjected, “_____, if you keep repeating every word that someone else says, people will think you never have an original thought.”
The response, so help me God, was immediate…“Is that what happened to you, Grandpa?”
My brother brought his family from where they lived several states away for a visit. I was taking a walk with my then recently 3 year old niece. Our route took us by a neighbor who knew we were having company called hello to use from her porch. My niece then proudly and loudly told the neighbor “[Nephew’s Name] has a penis but I have a vagina!” What could I do? I shrugged.
I was friendly with a waitress nearby. Once, when I stopped in for lunch, she was there with her daughter who I had heard about but had never met. She was a chatty 5 year old and we had a nice conversation. She mentioned she didn’t bring her invisible friend with her. I asked her what her friend’s name was and she replied “Labia”. I kept on smiling and her mother and I just looked at each other. Then mom piped up “Honey, I think her name is Lydia” and she said “Oh yeah, that’s right!”. Sometimes it’s really hard to keep a straight face.
A friend was a Navy wife and they were stationed in Germany. I don’t know if it was leave or a transfer, but my friend and her young son found themselves in a department store in the US. She was pushing him around in a shopping cart and he saw, for the first time in his life, a black person. So he pointed and cried out “Look, Mama! A monkey! It’s a monkey!”
While waiting in line to Santa Claus at the mall, my young son was getting restless. I told him to be good because Santa sees him wherever he is. He looked at me with horror and said, “Even in the shower?” The lady next to us nearly fell over. I did not ask what he was doing in the shower that he did not want Santa to see.
Another time, we went over to a friend’s house for a Christmas party. We did not know these people very well and really wanted to make a good impression. Their house was absolutely beautifully decorated for the holiday, with lights and Christmas trees everywhere. My son was wide-eyed looking around. He asked our host, “How much did all this cost??”
Sigh.
Not quite the same level, but my daughter HAS started to notice, and comment upon, the fact that one girl in her class has a “brown head”.
Eclectic W. – I have never come so close to doing a full-on spit-take in my life. I’d have died laughing if I’d been in the next aisle over.
A couple of days after my friend told me the story, I remembered it in a shop queue and started giggling to myself like a loony 
3, same kid:
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He was learning to talk and watching construction videos. We needed work done; guy pulls up in a big equipment-type vehicle. As this huge driver/service guy gets out, my son comes out, pointing that way and saying “Dumb Fuck, Daddy - Dumb Fuck!” The dude is looking at me funny, and I stop and say to my kid “yes, that is a dump truck.” The guy started laughing.
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I wear khakis for work; shorts otherwise unless it is super cold. I had a great weekend hanging with with him - he’s maybe 2 1/2 or 3? I get up Monday, early, and am on my way out the door. He jumps out of his big boy bed, runs to the bannister, sees me in my khakis one floor down the stairs and headed out the door, and says “TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS NOW, DADDY!!” I collapsed in, what, laughter, joy?
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He’s maybe 4, we’re out for lunch with friends, getting ready to leave and taking a quick trip to the bathroom. He’s in the stall; I’m at the urinal:
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Daddy, are we in a bathroom?
-
Yes…
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So, we can use bathroom words?
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…yessss…?
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<sharp intake of breath> penispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenispenis!!!
I just about died laughing. Still do.
Me, back in 1950 or 51 at age 4 or 5. Living in the whitest state in the USA, I had never seen a black person. Friend of my fathers from his Navy days shows up for a visit.
“Daddy, why is that man made of chocolate?”.
PS for you younger members, back in the day many of us didn’t have TV’s yet.
This really seems like a joke, but I swear it happened- when my youngest son first heard about Girl Scout cookies, at maybe 3 or 4, he gasped and said, “Are they made out of real girl scouts??”
Also him- one night we had a guest for dinner that was obviously missing a couple of teeth. My son had just lost a baby tooth. He told our guest about how he had just lost a tooth, and said, “I see you’ve lost some teeth, too!” That was really embarrassing.
My niece, when she was young, piped up to her grandma (her dad’s mother), “My mom says she can’t stand to be around you!” Eek!