They probably mean something that you’ll find variously labeled cloud ear/tree ear/black fungus. You can find packages of the dried stuff in the Asian sections of some grocery stores or specialty stores. It’s usually in the same area as the dried mushrooms. You soak it in hot water until soft and then use it in stir fries or soups. Hot and sour soup commonly includes it. Hope this helps!
Dear Nature,
Fuck you and your pollen, right in the fucking ear. It’s autumn, you hear it! I should not be having monster fucking hayfever at this time of year. I don’t care how dry and warm it’s been recently.
Yours
S–
Dear Immune System,
The fuck? It’s pollen. And possibly cat hair/dander. It’s not going to kill us. So why the massively overblown reactions? The earaches, sniffles, headaches, itchy eyes and general malaise. If I keep sneezing like this, I’m likely to bust a vessel. KNOCK IT OFF!
(achoo!)
S–
I know this’ll come off as snobbish, and maybe it is. But to the people who are planning to visit NYC, or San Francisco, or even L.A. and then tell me they’re “looking for a campground” to stay at, just stop it. You’re making me cringe. Camping to visit a city just smacks of near-destitution.
Two rants today:
Numero One: I have two tickets to a concert this Friday. I bought two so that I would force myself into asking that cute girl at work into going with me. I bought them three weeks ago, yet only got up the nerve to finally ask her on Sunday…two days after the schedule for this week was made, and surprise surprise, she has to work Friday night. :smack: Now, I know she usually does work Fridays, and I figured I was all set, because my roommate (who also works there,) would totally do me a solid and cover her shift…except my roommate made plans about two days ago to go out that night. :smack: :smack:
Number the second: Fuck you, you piece of shit phlegm factory that passes for my nose! I would like to have one day, just one fucking day, where I don’t feel the need to hack up all that pasty-ass, do-nothing-but-annoy-me crap you pass off as mucus. It’s been three years already. Whatever point you were trying to prove I’m obviously not going to get, so knock it the fuck off!
The short version goes something like this:
I live in a town where raising your voice in a business establishment can (and often will) get you arrested for disturbing the peace. Having noted that, one should also note that it may not be a good idea to piss off a guy named Lucy. 
As to who called the cops … well, the clerk was going to but didn’t really get a chance. The officer that stopped in for coffee & donuts just as I reach the height of my, - ughhhh, we’ll call it a ‘rant’ - thought that I was getting just a little too rude … at least until I explained (and the little chicky behind the counter confirmed) what was going on …
The rest, as they say, was lovely to watch. 
(There may yet be some poetic justice in the world.) 
Lucy
Parking too close was a minirant? 
I have a condo neighbor who used to park way too close to my side of the line separating our slots. Unfortunately, there’s a concrete post to the right of my space.
Let’s just say that I’ve gotten really good at squeezing my car into narrow spaces. :rolleyes:
One night I wasn’t even able to squeeze my car in, and actually ended up leaving paint on the concrete post. Because of that, next time I swear I’m leaving a pissy note on that wee go-fast Mercedes. GRR.
Yay for poetic justice!
Please do not fail to report on the nuptuals. I’ve enoucountered some of your threads about sister bridezilla and want all the gory details. Shall I check here in the Pit? 
Let’s see - I’ll be spending three days as her bumgirl*; yes, the Pit will probably be your best bet.
*In her mind, anyway. I have a feeling reality will play out a little differently, because I have no intention of catering to all of her princess plans, even on HER BIG DAY. Plus, the cavalry (our other sister) should be in town now, and she doesn’t do anything for anybody that she doesn’t want to. Finally, reinforcements!
To the stupid cunt I just got off the phone with:
Fuck you for being such an insufferable bitch to me when I told you that your program only covers $1200 of a first-class ticket from Los Angeles to New York City, which, given the last-minute time frame for your travel plans, means your tickets are going to be $4700, and you have to pay the balance. You think that having x number of points entitles you to having any plane ticket regardless of its cost? Guess again, shit-for-brains! Next, you launched into a whiny tirade over how you thought the program had no blackout dates and no restrictions. I didn’t SAY there were any blackout dates, and neither do your program guidelines! There ARE, however, restrictions on how much of a dollar amount your points will cover, and all points programs HAVE RESTRICTIONS! There’s no such thing as a free lunch, or a free plane ticket. Somebody has to pay for it somehow.
Here’s where you really lost points with me, you fetid, fecal-encrusted old hag! When you asked me, “How can I cash in my points?” I naturally interpreted this to mean you wanted to get cash back on your points and I was going to gladly transfer you to the department that handles this (anything to get you the hell off my phone!). When you asked me how much the cash value is and told you I don’t know, you proceeded to berate me for “not knowing my job.” Look, you fucking miserable excuse for a human being, I don’t handle cash-back redemptions! I don’t have the information! It’s not part of my job!!! It turned out she meant “how can I redeem my points for travel?” When you say “cash”, naturally I am going to assume you mean, cash-- you know-- money, that green stuff that you can buy shit with? I don’t have time to argue over semantics! Excuse the fuck out of me for not being born with mind-reading abilities! :rolleyes:
You said you were going to switch to another program? Fine by me! Good riddance! Let them deal with your whiny, incessant ranting when they tell you that your points don’t entitle you to anything you want on your terms.
To my insurance company:
Well, since it’s been 8 weeks since I’ve filled out my paperwork & sent it in through my temp agency, and you haven’t felt the need to actually insure me yet, can I really call you “my” insurance agency? Seriously, “several weeks” isn’t 2 months - and I know you’re doing this to other people because I talked to HR at the agency. There is NO reason on earth I shouldn’t be have my medical, dental, and eyecare already.
Dear SUV* Guy:
I hate you.
You leave laundry downstairs for days, and while I have no qualms about moving it out of the dryer and leaving it on top, I really don’t enjoy handling your tighty whities. I DO hate taking your days-old wet laundry out of the washing machine, though. Mmmm…musty laundry. Then the whole cycle happens again, because the clothes need to be washed again, so every time I go to do laundry you have laundry in there!
Also, learn to park your damned car. It is not difficult to park in our lot, and every single other person that parks their car there manages to do it just fine. Here’s a hint: when all the other cars are parked straight, it’s not a good idea for you to park at a 45 degree angle. It’s kind of hard to get out when the back of your car is 3 inches away from the back of my car.
I noticed the other day how many scrapes there are on your car, so I’m guessing you park like this everywhere, since I know your car is pretty new.
*Called “SUV Guy” since he’s the only guy in our very small building that owns one, so it’s a distinguishing characteristic, especially b/c the size of his car only makes the way he parks more annoying. Nothing against SUVs in general.
Dear Stomach,
Stop hurting! I want real food, dammit. I’m hungry but most things I’m eating just makes it hurt more.
Ah, the magnificent, blithe cluelessness of people. Last night on leaving our group meeting, there was a running car behind my parked car with people talking in it (they may have been from our group; I didn’t look carefully). I got into my car, started it up, turned on the lights, and started backing out, figuring at some point in this routine the people sitting in the car behind my car would make the massive leap of logic to figuring out that they would have to move their car so I could drive mine away. Nope. Leap was too big, I guess. I had almost enough room to get around them, so I figured I’d manouver around until I was around them. A minute or so of this, and they fiinally moved - to stop in the driveway of the parking lot. I drove on the grass to get around them and left. Just completely oblivious to the existence of other people in the world.
Dear Club President,
If you remember back to when you were elected President of this fine club, you promised to uphold the bylaws of the club. That means all of the bylaws. All of the time, not just when you think they should be followed. If the bylaws state that in an election where three people are running one of the three must get a majority of the vote or there is a runoff between the top two, it means there is a runoff when no one person got a majority. I don’t care that it is your buddy who won by three votes over the second place, who was 5 votes ahead of 3rd place. She did not get a majority of the vote. There should have been a runoff. And yes, I brought it up at the executive board meeting in spite of your best efforts to shut me up. And if you don’t bring it up at the general meeting tomorrow night, I will. If the general membership votes to let the illegal election stand, so be it. I will never mention it again. I can work with all three of the people who ran, so I don’t have a dog in this fight. But as long as I am on the executive board the bylaws will be followed. And in case you didn’t notice; I ran unopposed for my second term. It looks like the members are happy with me. You didn’t run unopposed and only won by two votes, so a lot of the members are already unhappy with you.
Just follow the rules and we will be fine.
Dear uterus:
Fuck off and die. Every month, the same old cramps; a bright sharp band of pain all around my back, making me feel like a fascist dictator has a spikegloved hand wrapped around my spine and is slowly trying to squeeze my ass down the backs of my legs, like I’d squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. And constipation! Whee! And bloatyness, coupled with the craving for salt, which makes my thirsty, which makes me bloatier, whoopee!
Knock your shit off already. Fucking useless organ.
Pollock. Not Pollack. The correct spelling is right there in the thread title. And in all the links to his work. It’s not difficult to get right. AGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Whew. That was extremely mini and not nearly ranty enough but I feel better.
To whoever wrote the songs for Dora the Explorer:
If you must write a song that consists of only three words, repeated over and over and over and over and over, please do not make it a catchy tune. I’ve been singing, “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m going to fucking kill myself” all week.
You know what, body? You and I have been friends for a long time, old chum. In fact, I’ve been nothing but good to you- modern medicine, vaccines, vitamins, moderate exercise at a (very expensive, may I add) nice gym, the works.
But now you do this to me. Shingles? SHINGLES? I mean, honestly! This fucking hurts. I don’t mean that in some pussy-ass emotional way, but this literally hurts. You of all beings on this planet ought to understand my pain at the moment.
I don’t have a depressed immune system for any reason, other than I’m a little bit stressed being in college, double majoring, working, and trying to keep the apartment somewhat sanitary. So, I suppose this is all part of your grand plan to make me relax. Well, guess what? You fucked up. It’s midterm week! You couldn’t have picked a worse time to try to make me relax a little bit. In fact, my aches, pains, and unfulfillable need for sleep are very much stressing me out in the face of my friggin’ midterms. So now I’m more stressed than ever, I’m going to fail out of college, AND I’ve got flippin’ shingles! Good goin’.
I’m going to take up smoking or drinking or something just to spite you, jerk.
Oh and PS: being 21 and having go to the pharmacy (which happens to be right next to school) to pick up my VALTREX because you’ve up and decided to get shingles isn’t exactly what I call fun. I’m not fucking Paris Hilton and I’m not oozing out of my crotch, but tell that to the people that were next to me at the counter, glaring at what they must have assumed was my slutty, skanky ass. Good goin’, body. Good goin’.
Although I will say, thank you for giving me the opportunity to scare the crap out of my boyfriend by telling him I have herpes. That was actually the only entertaining part of my shingle-filled afternoon. Fucking chicken-herpes.
Dear Inconsiderate Attorneys,
Yes, I am going on vacation next week. Yes, it has been on every single damn calendar since January. Highlighted even. Thank you all for coming to my office this morning and incredulously declaring “You are going on vacation!? All next week!? Why didn’t you tell me!?” I did, back in January when I had to get your permission to take the fucking days off.
And really, thanks again for all those new (seriously, 7 in all) projects that are all “priority” and must haves by 4pm Friday. Mr. I’msoimportant, those discovery answers came in back in July 05. Trial is not even on the far horizon. That motion to compel can wait a week. The chances of me dieing in a firey plane crash are pretty slim…but hey, thanks for making me think about it.
I feel so loved.
Dear Media,
Stop showing Donald Trump’s reaction to Rosie O’Donnell leaving The View. We don’t give a fuck! He keeps saying the same crap and I think he’s getting his lines from the snotty 8 year old in the schoolyard that everyone hates. Everytime I have to listen to that petty, childish, asinine, egotistical bad-haired fuckwad ramble on and on my head hurts, my stomach churns and I throw up a little in my mouth (of course that happens whenever I see him, no matter what he’s talking about). Rosie stopped paying attention to him a while ago, take a hint from her and stop giving the ill-mannered bratty school-yard bully airtime! Hey, even better, how about you stop giving both of them airtime!
It almost makes me miss all the Paris Hilton media hype of bygone days.
I said almost.
Lidoderm, which is lidocaine patches for your shingly skin. Talk to your doctor. When I had shingles a couple years ago, putting on Lidoderm was an incredible relief.
A couple here:
TPTB, please stop airing the fucking ad for Will Ferrell’s skating movie 24/7. I am starting to hate the hook from Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” If the movie’s doing so well, maybe you can come up with a new ad, or just drop it altogether?
Also, I would like to know who is responsible for bring Carlos “Ned Holness” Mencia to our screens. He comes across as a desperate, unfunny asshole who I’d love to smack in the kneecaps with a titanium bat. And please don’t suggest that I watch his show to learn more about this douche. I just think that Comedy Central should get Sarah Silverman to do another series, or just re-run Strangers With Candy, or even run a test pattern in his slot.
Fucker.