One hears rumors. Whispered comments at amateur level competitions. Hints dropped in some slick magazines that get peddled out of car trunks.
Could it be true? There are hundreds of thousands of hopefuls out there, many of whom are just now realizing their true potential. Can it be?
Could Butt Sanding become a chartered Olympic Sport? Could amateur athletics as we all know it even HANDLE that reality? Would it be broken down by kilograms/sq.inch, or density? Former ability, or possible potential? God, the implications are staggering.
**Cartooniverse[/b, have you been to an amateur event? Are you a competitor or fan? Is this an individual event, doubles, mixed doubles or teams? Is it the sanding of behinds as in smoothing; or as in the application of sand? Do you mean cigarette butts? What country is sponsoring the sport? How did it originate? And the biggie… Can you provide a link to an official site?
I’ve been in touch with A.B.S.- the American Butt-Sanding Society. They’ve FedEx’d me the Amateur Rules and Regulations Manual.
However ( cackle ) I have houseguests and so for the next few days, you all will just have to continue to post your well-thought out queries, and await the word. I’ll me sure to address each and every question posed.
Abby, your questions are excellent. Go to the head of the class, please. Here. Come sit by my desk. That’s it. Nice up here, near the air conditioning, isn’t it? Gosh, that’s a lovely scent you’re wearing, do I detect the great smell of Brut? I’ve noticed that your writing has a certain depth and thoughtfulness that far outstrips the other students, perhaps we should discuss your theories over penne pasta and a nice Chateau Neuf du Pape '71 ?
Brut??? You must be looking for the down the street neighbor BubbaSthrnAccent. The pasta and chateau stuff sounds lovely, but since Bubba saw you say you smelled Brut, he wants to go. Far be it from me to argue with a big guy in levi’s and a flannel shirt smelling of Brut with a gun rack in the rear window of his truck.
Enjoy your dinner,
Abby
P.S. When you start smelling mulberries, cucumber melon, or spf 30 sunscreen; that’s when I’m nearby. Oh and I just heard Bubba say he’s on the way to the cleaners to pick up his good denim suit for your dinner. Bon Appetit!
Butt-Sanding. A primer for new athletes. Portions quoted from the International Butt-Sanding Committee\
AbbySthrnAccent writes:
And, Paul the Younger queries,
And lastly, mongrel_8 wants to know…
I’m a competitor at the International Amateur Level. This involves a fair bit of travel, frequently on specially made pillows filled with thermopaedic foam, as one can well imagine. It is a co-ed sport that does indeed involve mixed-doubles, as well as singles play.
Generally, it involves the use of surgical sandblasting in the creation of intricate patterns on the buttockal, and sub-buttockal areas. The children’s level competitors tend to be limited to simple icons, and drawings. At the adult competitive levels, it rivals and usually surpasses tattoos in terms of intricacy and splendor.
The origins are buried in the misty past of the Hebrew Tribes. Apparently Moses, leader at the time of the 12 Tribes of Israel, was known as a real " schleptnik mein touchas", or " chafe in the ass". The Cohanes and Levites used to compete with a poultice made of Sinai sand and short bits of lamb bone. They’d grind the bone up and add the sand, then etch images into each other’s touchas’s. Historical legend has it that Moses’s cousin thrice removed, Mordechai the Short, illustrated his son’s butts with the entire Golden Key Comics version of the Great Flood.
Much like the ancient Olympiads, Butt-Sanding survived the generations. Modern day competitions are held in sterile arenas with macroscopic lenses for the video cameras.
Typically, a titanium “schlongklavier”, or genital cover is employed. Points are deducted if any part of the genitalia is used in the competition. It’s considered tacky, and well below Amateur Standards of Play. The Las Vegas Convention of Butt-Sanders has waived those regulatory restraints, apparently they do make use of auxilliary-pubic areas in competition. They’re hacks.
Everyone sands each other’s butts. Self-Abrading is considered poor form.
