So there I was, peacefully enjoying my simple lunch outside on a park bench. Enjoying my brief escape to the outside world and the sunshine before having to go back into the dungeon that is my office. It started off being very relaxing, until…
I suddenly glanced downwards and noticed that I was surrounded by no less than 6 squirrels. One of them, presumably their leader, hopped up beside me once he saw that I had taken notice of him and his henchmen. At this point I was beginning to get a little worried. I thought perhaps I had invaded their squirrel gang turf, or maybe I had run into some sort of top-secret squirrel paramilitary unit that was rebelling against the government that had cruelly manipulated their genes and turned them into an elite fighting force that… thew acorns on unsuspecting people (or something like that), or perhaps my presence was defacing some sort of sacred squirrel ground. But the sinister look in their eyes quickly revealed to me that they meant to steal me away to some sort of secret underground squirrel lair and ransom me for ONE MILLION ACORNS. Well, I could be wrong since my squirrel-body-language-reading certification is a bit out of date, but I’m probably pretty close.
So now I’m thinking that I have mere seconds to escape before this posse of miscreant squirrels makes their move. I notice the leader casting sideways glances at my half-empty bag of BBQ potato chips. In an effort to stall them, I hastily attempted to explain that while I didn’t think squirrels liked BBQ chips, they were welcome to have the whole bag if I could but walk away safely. This got me a very nasty stare from the leader and his comrades.
Then, it was like some sort of slow-motion scene from an action movie… an action movie about squirrels who gang up on non-action-hero types in parks and attempt to kidnap them for a large ransom in acorns. I leapt up from my seat (tossing a few chips out of the bag as I left, in order to distract them), grabbed my drink, and maneuvered my way through the squirrel gauntlet to get to the other side of the park. And, in true slow-mo action scene style, I threw in a hearty “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” while I was doing it.
This maneuver threw off their coordinated attack, and they flew into disarray. Two of them disengaged themselves from the fray and followed me. But it was all over now, without the concentrated strength of the entire pack, they were helpless to carry out their sinister plans. The leader stood on his hind legs as if to say “Yeah? Well at least I’m CUTER than you are!” But I simply smiled and triumphantly ate one of my BBQ chips with a loud crunch.
I may have won this round, but I fear that next time, the squirrels will be better prepared. If you don’t hear from me again, please send ONE MILLION ACORNS to the following address:
Secret Squirrel Lair
The big tree next to the second path from the left
Park in front of the Russel Bldg.
Washington, DC
*
)
