I’m walking out of my building yesterday. Tired as hell, and wanting nothing more than to grab a beer and a sandwich, and watch some Friends. When all of a sudden, I’m assaulted by a small furry brown tornado. He apparently was in an extreme hurry to get wherever he was going and instead of running around my leg, he decided he’d gnaw and scratch his way through like some tiny Tazmanian devil.
Unfortunately for this poor champion I weigh 215 and play soccer. I also happened to have a lot of forward momentum myself as I was in a pretty big hurry to get to that beer. As my leg swung forward it caught poor Mr. Squirrel square in the chest and I musta launched that poor bastard 10 feet into the air. He landed with a sickening thud on the pavement in front of me, and I thought to myself, “Dear God, I’ve killed the poor creature…” As I moved forward to investigate his crumpled form, I noticed him twitch slightly, and then stand.
And I swear this squirrel looked at me as if to say, “You stupid human. Why don’t you watch where you’re going?!” and proceeded to run at me again! I may be tall, but I’m not a tree. And I may be male, but I ain’t got no nuts for him. So I’m sure this was out of pure spite. I did what any man would do in a situation like this. The squirrel bearing down on me at what must have been a good 10 mph, I squared my shoulders… Summoned all my courage… And ran like a little bitch all the way back to my car. The squirrel broke off his run, and as I slammed the door and started the engine I swear I saw him shaking his little squirrel fist at me in defiance.
I’m certain this little squirrel was using some guerilla tactic on me, probably in order to get revenge for one of his family that I may have hit with my car. I’m just warning you all. The squirrels are out for blood and have no fear of death. I suggest you avoid any and all squirrels as they may be guerilla squirrels defending their native land. You have been warned.
In high school I had a squirrel run directly into the spokes of my bike as I was riding.the squirrel was flung up onto my chest where he dug his claws into my down coat and screeched at me. I vainly tried to brush him off but to no avail. I ended up jumping off the bike, pulling my coat over my head and shaking him off.
And my teacher didn’t believe it, even with the mangled coat.
Oh yeah, another time I was riding with a friend of mine thru NW University’s grounds when a flock of sparrows got startled and flushed out of a bush right into our path. One of the sparrows got caught in Jay’s hair and I almost wet myself laughing at his antics to remove said bird.
It’s a standing gag with the Jay and I:
“what did you do today?”
“a bird attacked my head”
The University of Kentucky in Lexington is their base of operations. I’m sure of this. I was never odd to see a squirrel run right up and perch on someone’s books as they were reading them and dance until they gave them food. It was un-canny. The squirrels, they’re taking over.
Rules of Engagement for Operation Guerilla Squirrel Opposition:
-Avoid at all cost.
-All squirrels are armed and dangerous and should be treated as hostiles in any situation.
-If engaged by a company of squirrels retreat to a more advantageous position and throw nuts at them until they cease and desist.
I think it must be a combination of the natural drive to protect their territory combined with a unnatural casualness towards humans (caused by stupid folks feeding them Doritos probably).
I was was with a group of my friends on the University of Washington campus when one of the bushy tailed little monsters climbed right up one of us and perched on her shoulder. She thought it was pretty cute until the wretched rodent suddenly chomped into her earlobe.
She screamed and went into a fit, hurling the creature at me. I had the presence of mind to bat the thing away (hard) with the book I was carrying right into another guy, who shrieked like a twelve year old girl and started dancing around, batting wildly at his hair.
I bet rats think to themselves “Shit! If I had a bushy tail they’d be HAND FEEDING me? WTF?!”.
No, the home office isn’t in Lexington. It is the University of Notre Dame. Those squirrels are mutants. On campus, there is a Radiation Research building run by the Department of Energy. One of the first atom smashers resides there. It is the cause of squirrels roughly the size of cats.
I’ve seen these squirrels jump on people, climb them, stalk them, and beg food from them. They know the precise times the dining halls are open, and if it wasn’t because of their lack of photo identification, they would eat IN there as well.
ND squirrels are a breed unto themselves. They remind me either of that warlike tribe of bunnies in “Watership Down”, or the rats in “Ms. Frisby and the Rats of Nihm”.
Nope, you guys are all wrong: the Squirrel Headquartes for REsistance Education Kompound (code name: SHREEK) is located squarely in the heart of The Ohio Stae University. Students call it the Oval. The furry ones call it their training grounds.
My freshman year, the guys across the hall had spent their last days before college out hunting squirrels and had seen narly a one. First day of class, I swear, they were flabergasted by the numbers of the fuzzy little bastards. There might be 60,000+ students on campus, but lord knows there are more squirrels!
One of the band members even had a stuffed squirrel on a stick/pedistal thing, all dressed up in a miniature band uniform and would run around with the creature whenever we scored.
I have a friend (Mark) who is deathly afraid of squirrels. One ran up to him while we were in my yard and he screamed like Nancy Kerrigan and starting flailing around. You would have thought he’d seen a cobra! Cracked me right up.
when i was out hiking a few years ago, i heard what sounded like a huge pine cone crashing through the branches of the trees. it was however the cutest little douglas squirrel running/tumbling down a tree trunk. he ran across the trail, mistook my leg for a tree, and proceeded to run up my leg. about halfway up, he realized that i was not a tree, stopped and stared at me as i was staring at him - we were both frozen with fear. after a brief moment, he ran down my leg and up a nearby tree. no harm done.
the univ. of wash. squirrels are very aggressive, unfortunately. too many people feeding the squirrels, which makes them see humans as vending machines. oh look, isn’t that just the cutest little squirrel. poor, skinny thing, it looks hungry. maybe i have some food for it. ah, look it’s eating it right from my hands. now it’s nibbling on my fingers. ahhhh.
Once I went in the backyard and inadvertantly startled the hell out of our resident squirrel. He ran up the tree and started in with the tail snapping and the Donald Duck noises. Feeling smarmy, I walked underneath the tree and started spluttering back at him.
All of sudden, the squirrel leaped off the branch and launched himself right at my face! I shrieked, recoiled and covered my head with my arms.
Then I looked up, and the little bastard was sitting on the next lowest branch. Laughing his little bushy-tailed rat’s ass off.
So, yes, squirrels will bluff you. Most likely, Simmy, that squirrel would have stopped if you’d stood your ground, but I agree, no use taking any chances.
I once didn’t break out one of the local squirrel’s lunch fast enough. You see he/they knew me. And they knew that I always had something for them typically in my backpack. So he dashed at me once for a warning and then a split second later bit my hand! Didn’t really hurt just surprised me a little. The little rascal then threatened to do it again! But he saw that I now had some new found respect for him. He backed off after a little hand waving (well alot of hand waving actually) but he was happy. He had made his point and of course he got his free lunch.
When my dachshund is out in the yard on his chain, the squirrels will stand just out of reach and taunt him. Sometimes I’ll slowly walk out and unhook the chain…
Dog: WOOF!WOOF!ARF! ARF! :mad:
Squirrel: Hahahahahahaha
::click::
Dog: (takes off running toward the unsuspecting rodent)
Squirrel: :eek: Run away! Run away!
