I was sitting outside of the building where I work, reading and smoking, when I got the most curious feeling I was being watched. I slowly raised my eyes and observed my surroundings. To my left, a group of freshman girls just out of Free Stuff Day. I must confess that my gaze lingered there, but only so that I could be sure that none of them was an enemy in disguise. To my right, an empty walkway. And directly in front of me, sitting on a ledge, The Enemy.
He sat there, staring at me with an almost expectant look on his face. I began to feel uneasy. It is a clear violation of traty protocol for a squirrel to stare down a human. (See Section 194, clause G.)
What, I wondered, could this thing want with me? I stared. It stared back. I stared some more. It stared back some more. Then it moved. Not away, but towards me. “Stay right there!” I cried. “It is a violation of the Treaty for you to accost me!”
The squirrel stopped, cocked its evil little head to the side, and began staring me down again. What did it want? Why was this vicious rodent fixated on me? Peaceful me, who did his time in the Squirrel Defense Force and was now retired.
My answer came in the form of a co-worker. I used to like her very much. Now I know that friendly, attractive co-worker women with sisters that are professional cheerleaders are all in league with the enemy. She came traipsing out the door, smiling and happy. “Oh,” she said. “He’s here! Cool!”
I thought that this was an appropriate greeting for someone of my greatness and service record. I started to speak to her but was cut off in mid sentence.
“Ooooh look at the fuzzy widdle sqwiwwel!”
Eh? Fuzzy widdle angel of death more likely.
She produced from her pocket a handful of peanuts, and actually began to feed them to the Enemy! I was horrified. Moreover, I was a little hungry and would have liked a few peanuts myself. I was stunned, shocked into silence, and sat there watching the evil maven feed an enemy combatant for 10 minutes or so. Then she left, and the enemy soldier began to stare at me again. Expectantly. Waiting. With a hungry look in his eyes.
I’m not proud of my next action, but feel that it was in the best interests of survival. I flicked a lit cigarette at it’s head and made my escape. There was no pursuit, and I made it safely inside. But he’s out there. Watching. Waiting. Maybe he’ll continue to be satisfied by the peanuts. But maybe, just maybe, he’s biding his time, waiting for the next revolution. I’ll be ready for him.