Fraternizing With the Enemy.

I was sitting outside of the building where I work, reading and smoking, when I got the most curious feeling I was being watched. I slowly raised my eyes and observed my surroundings. To my left, a group of freshman girls just out of Free Stuff Day. I must confess that my gaze lingered there, but only so that I could be sure that none of them was an enemy in disguise. To my right, an empty walkway. And directly in front of me, sitting on a ledge, The Enemy.

He sat there, staring at me with an almost expectant look on his face. I began to feel uneasy. It is a clear violation of traty protocol for a squirrel to stare down a human. (See Section 194, clause G.)

What, I wondered, could this thing want with me? I stared. It stared back. I stared some more. It stared back some more. Then it moved. Not away, but towards me. “Stay right there!” I cried. “It is a violation of the Treaty for you to accost me!”

The squirrel stopped, cocked its evil little head to the side, and began staring me down again. What did it want? Why was this vicious rodent fixated on me? Peaceful me, who did his time in the Squirrel Defense Force and was now retired.

My answer came in the form of a co-worker. I used to like her very much. Now I know that friendly, attractive co-worker women with sisters that are professional cheerleaders are all in league with the enemy. She came traipsing out the door, smiling and happy. “Oh,” she said. “He’s here! Cool!”

I thought that this was an appropriate greeting for someone of my greatness and service record. I started to speak to her but was cut off in mid sentence.

“Ooooh look at the fuzzy widdle sqwiwwel!”

Eh? Fuzzy widdle angel of death more likely.

She produced from her pocket a handful of peanuts, and actually began to feed them to the Enemy! I was horrified. Moreover, I was a little hungry and would have liked a few peanuts myself. I was stunned, shocked into silence, and sat there watching the evil maven feed an enemy combatant for 10 minutes or so. Then she left, and the enemy soldier began to stare at me again. Expectantly. Waiting. With a hungry look in his eyes.

I’m not proud of my next action, but feel that it was in the best interests of survival. I flicked a lit cigarette at it’s head and made my escape. There was no pursuit, and I made it safely inside. But he’s out there. Watching. Waiting. Maybe he’ll continue to be satisfied by the peanuts. But maybe, just maybe, he’s biding his time, waiting for the next revolution. I’ll be ready for him.

he’ll bite ya.
Their narky little animals, squirrels are.

keep us updated as to who wins.

You know what they say; if you see one, there are ten more in the trees. This was probably the scout squirrel, the reconaissance man, if you will, testing the waters and the will of the local towns people against big brown eyes and soft, fluffy tails.

I think the time has come to pick up your arms again, Welby. I know, I know, you are a peace-loving citizen, and it is anathema to have to carry protection in a polite society, but you are apparently surrounded by traitors and squirrel-lovers, and it has come to this. Lit cigarettes are simply not going to hold them off for very long.

I think you need to go under cover, infiltrate their camp, and discover their plans. This will gain you valuable insight and aid in planning your counteroffensive. By knowing your enemy better, you’ll be better equipped to defeat them.

Plus I think you’d look just a cute as can be in a squirrel suit.

Well, y’know what they say,bud.

If the squirrels are following you, it’s only because they think you’re nuts.

You flipped a lit cigarrette at him!? Boy, you have gone and done it now.

Next time you see him, he will be wearing a leather jacket and riding a motorcycle, bumming cigarrettes. “The hell with peanuts, gimme a smoke!” And what next? What, I say! He’ll let one of his racoon buddies try it, and before you know it Smokey the Bear is gonna be all over your ass. Ummhmm.

Last thing I’d want hanging around is one of these smokin’ a butt and checking out the femes.

You must begin to plan his demise with all due haste.

His plan is brilliant. Get them hooked on smoking. Eventually, they will smoke when it is very windy, a careless ember will ignite their bushy little tails, and they will be exposed for the rats that they are.

Genius, Welby. Well done.

My thought – “Oh great, now he’s given them Fire.” Welcome, squirrels, to the industrial age. Sorry, Welby, it’s the rock, the chains, and the liver-devouring eagles for you.

You haven’t seen a veritable ARMY of squirrels until you’ve been to my campus. I noticed quite a bit of squirrels during the week, but little did I know these were mere Sentries, guardians of the Squirrel Empire. They’d patrol their trees, and if I came too close, they’d come down, run in front of me, and chirp while flicking their tails menacingly. The tail-flicking would continue until I left; they would then proceed to harass some other hapless student who came too close to their territory.

Once I went to the Library on a Sunday. I discovered the Library was closed, but during my brief time on campus, was started to see how many squirrels there really were. On Sunday, when hardly anyone was around, the Squirrel Empire quite literally took over. It was like a little city, only with squirrels instead of people. The scariest part was when I was walking back to the parking Garage, when squirrels were POURING out of trees and all ran up to me, doing the tail-flicking and chirping at me. It was like “No-one escapes from the Squirrel Empire!”

You have to build the Giant Squirrel Wonder to get to the Industrial Age.

So they’re only one great squirrel Leader away. Welby should look out for elite squirrel warriors massing on his frontiers.

A girl I worked with last year had a terrible fear of squirrels. Not the kind of fear that’s good to have on a grass-and-tree-filled college campus.

Can we get back to the attractive co-worker with cheerleader sisters?

We can deal with the squirrel later.

These must be the same soldiers that have spoiled many a good deer hunt. Damn things ratting me out to all the big brown creatures… damn them all!

So they’re only one great squirrel Leader away. Welby should look out for elite squirrel warriors massing on his frontiers.

Double posts an hour apart? That’s gotta be some kind of new record.

He probably just went for reinforcements. If they get into the building, you’re doomed. They’ll chew through all the wiring and attack in the dark, en masse, from behind. They may be cowards, but they’re viscious little cowards.

Deterrence and reprisal attacks, buddy. That’s the only way to go. You have to keep them on the run, constantly shifting their bases and supply networks. Otherwise they’ll get their balance and for up for an assault.

You don’t want them coming after you in your home again.

I took steps to stop the fraternization yesterday. I stole the peanuts she left out for the squirrel. Then I threw a rock at the squirrel when no one was looking. I’d have taken a shot at him, but I work in a secure area and for some strange reasont hey don’t like us packing heat.

One is a Redskins cheerleader. I’ve got a calendar signed by all of the cheeleaders. I went to a party hosted by my co-worker and got them all to sign it there. When they signed it they put things like "Love, cheerleader name. So I guess all of the Redskin cheerleaders harbor a secret lust for me. Which is a fine, ego building thing to have.

Her other sister cheers for the Raiders. I don’t have a calendar for them, nor is it signed. You’d think that they’d just hop right on a plane and come out to visit me, but they won’t. Trollops.

I, for one, am curring favor with the squirrels.