I watch A LOT of films. And after I watch those films I go to the mental wasteland that is IMDB to read the message board. I don’t know why. I guess I’m just starved to have conversation about movies, and none of the people currently in my life are particularly interested. But I digress. . .
Anyone who has spent any time at the aforementioned site knows that no matter what the film in question is, some mental midget has to chime in that it the worst movie ever made. For obvious reasons I never read those posts. But the time has come when I, who have never walked out on a movie in the theater nor ejected one before it was finished, finally viewed a piece of cinematography so poor on every possible level that I’m actively angry.
This thread isn’t about this particular movie,per se, unless some other unfortunate schmuck had the misfortune to see it and wants to commisserate, but about movies that were so piss poor they made you want to sue someone. I’m not talking about your *Battlehip Earth’s * that were so widely panned you got what you deserved by watching it (although that is Citizen Kane compared to this dreck), but those that you had a reasonable expectation to contain even a modicom of value and were so bad you were in danger of being a hazard to yourself and others.
I’m not familiar with Showtime but I concur that Coyote Ugly was indeed infuriating in pretty much every way. More of a pisser that you had to actually leave your house to see it. At least I’ve only caught glimpses of it from the safety of my own couch and thus could make it go away.
I don’t consider myself either unfortunate or a schmuck. Not that I’m not, I very well could be, to others, but I don’t see myself that way.
I thought Margaret was one of the best movies of last year (well, it was made years ago, sat on the shelf and just released last year). I saw it twice in the theater. It rewarded multiple viewings in my case. I didn’t go as loopy for it as a lot of critics did, and oh god, I often wanted to reach through the screen and slap some sense into Anna Paquin’s annoying character but on the whole, I thought it was interesting, very often moving, and one day I’d like to see the director’s cut mentioned here. I’d rather see it in the theater though.
Did you see the 3-hour version or the 150 minute version? Are both available on the DVD?
I kept thinking that the movie was just a step ahead of me, and that all of the literary bullshit would play out. It doesn’t.
The movie is only great if you decided that before watching it. None of the many premises are fully resolved, and the ending is abrupt and meaningless.
One scene focuses on interpretation of a Shakespeare theme, and another person’s interpretation of it. That person is deemed wrong despite a valid argument.
There *is something * to this movie, but that something fails to make it even an ok movie IMO. My time would have been better used watching an “Ernest goes to…” movie.
I liked Margaret a lot, too. It was very choppy, and it had clearly suffered from a lot of behind-the-scenes futzing (as Equipoise noted), but I thought a lot of the individual scenes were fascinating, even if it didn’t quite all come together in the end.
I’d be interested in seeing the extended cut, but I think it’s only available if you buy the DVD, and I don’t think I liked the movie enough to do that. Maybe I can borrow it from someone I know someday.
All of the films I consider to be the worst are not merely bad, they are so void of content that no amount of enjoyment can be had from them on any level. I’m not talking about films like Plan 9 or The Room that are terrible to the point of comedy, I’m not talking films like Disaster Movie that are nothing more than mindless trash. I’m talking about films that commit a far worse crime, films that are BORING.
Manos, Monster a Go-Go, Dream Home (2006), They Saved Hitler’s Brain and of course anything by Coleman Francis. These are my picks for worst ever, If I was forced I would probably say Monster is the worst. Nothing happens, I mean absolutely nothing. The film contains virtually no content at all, people stand around maybe they even talk a little, but nothing in this movie really happens. After all there was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and darkness.
Equipoise I figured (and hoped!) you’d stop by. The schmuck comment is a joke, by the way.
My opening comment about watching a lot of movies was not to establish myself as some kind of expert but to illustrate that I’m open to all kinds of films and my hatred of this one isn’t merely due to some inabilty to understand it or because it’s not on the Blockbuster Top Ten or whatever.
I saw (most of) the 150 minute version, I think. As I said, I had to turn it off before it was over and even then I felt like I’d been watching for four hours.
To be charitable, I think some of the dialogue was well written. Too bad it was in scenes from what seemed like fifteen different films. Other than that, I hated every single character and by extension the actors( some of whom are usually brilliant; Mark Ruffalo, Matthew Broderick, Matt Damon, Jean Reno) who played them. The editing was such crap as to leave me without words(didn’t Martin Scorcese participate in the whittling down of the original three hour version? The mind boggles). Geez, they couldn’t even manage to find suitable them music, yet they did manage to make the gorgeous backdrop of NYC useless.
Can you tell me more specifically what you liked so much about this movie? What did you think of the editing? How about the casting? I thought the mother’s role was so miscast I assumed the actress must be related to one of the producers or something.
Highlander II was astoundingly bad, and I paid to see that in a theatre on opening weekend so we couldn’t have known what we were getting into. The movie did not have a single redeeming feature, not one. It was aggressively, intrusively bad.
Or as I once put it on this message board, seven years ago:
"‘Highlander II’ attains, if that’s the right word, a nadir of suckitude that, prior to seeing it, I would not have imagined possible. Actually, COULDN’T have imagined possible; the level of its putridness went beyond the conceivable parameters of cinema suckosity, and its suckitude seeped into all that surrounded it. It made other movies showing at the multiplex at the same time worse than they otherwise would have been, just by its proximity. It made me a worse person for having watched it. It despoiled the very money with which I paid for the horror of seeing it, currency that I am sure was eternally cursed by association, and which doubtlessly brought misfortune and suffering to all who handled it from that day forward.
As a matter of fact, the multiplex it was shown it ended up going out of business, the only modern multiplex I’ve ever heard of that did that. Coincidence? Not a chance, Vance. “Highlander II” was like a infectious disease, an E. cinema, a sort of supernatural rot. It hurt the soul. It made the baby Jesus cry. It made the babies Buddha, Mohammed, and Cthlulu cry. The very force of its suckness was beyond the measuring capacity of any scientific instrument designed by man.
I could explain why it sucked, but really, there isn’t enough time in my life to do so. Every scene, every word, every shot, ever single frame sucked, but more than sucking individually, they combined in sucking ways to attain a perfect synchronicity of suck. I can’t describe how bad it was; there aren’t words that would do the job. I would tell you that you should watch it to see how bad it was, but no, you really shouldn’t. I don’t hate anyone that much."
If I knew you in real life, I would most certainly surprise you with a DVD copy of Highlander II for a Christmas present, and film your face and comments once you opened this little surprise gift!
The Blair Witch Project. And really, even if you read the so-called great reviews, all they really say is “Considering how little they spent, it’s amazing that there’s an actual film here.”
It was complete and utter crap, to the extent that there was anything there at all. A bunch of teenagers run in circles, get hungry, and creep themselves out over nothing. “Oh! but wait!” says the producer, “It’s great cinema because we filmed it really, really poorly! On Purpose!” :: waggles eyebrows :: “In fact, the camera work is so bad, so rocky, so shakily focused that it even made some patrons throw up!!”
The only movie I’ve ever walked out on was Fahrenheit 911. I think I would sooner watch cysts being cut open on popthatzit.com than to ever try to watch that piece of crap again.
Very astute. And I loved it when I saw it the first time. So much so that I bought the DVD. It is still in its plastic wrap. I can totally see why someone would loathe it and despite my liking it the first time out, I have never felt the need to watch it again.
We watched Margaret last weekend. Sort of liked it. Yes, Anna Paquin’s character is thoroughly unlikeable, but that is sort of the point. And it had Jean (Victor the Cleaner) Reno not partnered with Steve Martin!
Fun to see the 2005 version of the younger actors in a “new” film. E.g., John Gallagher Jr. (Jim Harper from The Newsroom).
Note: Got it from Redbox. Turned out it was the “short” studio version instead of the recently released director’s version. Why on Earth would they do that? Right, this is the same company that vends mockbuster films.
Want to talk about an overrated, horrible, vanity film? Start with Synecdoche, New York.
Seeing seven-years-ago Matt Damon in a movie newly released on DVD was a very strange feeling indeed.
Netflix is only renting the “short” theatrical version as well. And what’s worse, if you do buy the Blu-ray/DVD combo pack that has both the theatrical and the director’s cut, only the theaterical cut is on a Blu-ray disc. The extended only appears on a DVD. That’s total bullshit. If I pay for a Blu-ray disc, I want the whole thing in Blu-ray, damn it.
For me the worst movie I’ve ever seen is Wax or the Discovery of Television Among the Bees. It’s pretty much the definition of pretentious, and even as a pretentious teenager trying to impress a girl I had to leave. Truly, truly awful.
But if I want to get people angry, I’ll mention the movies that have infuriated me the most in recent years: Darjeeling Limited and Fantastic Mr. Fox. I cannot stand them, and I want all the characters in them to die violently.
I just popped into to say that you, RickJay, have a true knack for comedy.
I am so stealing a couple of your phrases later.
My date for the evening read your post over my shoulder and she was highly amused.
Thanks for the wing-man boost, buddy.