I grew up in Southeast Michigan, which can be a very racist place to live. The only time I ever dated a black man was when I was seventeen; he was a patron at the restaurant where I worked. He was 30 years old, recently divorced with three children. We did not have sex. In fact, that’s the reason I broke up with him after three dates–he would not stop pressuring me for sex and commitment, and kept trying me to parent his children. I was seventeen, and college-bound, and it became pretty clear early on that the relationship was not going to work out. In my estimation he was on the rebound.
His race was not a factor when I considered dating him. I had been raised to be ‘‘color blind’’ by my mother and an attractive man was an attractive man. In fact, I remember having a ‘‘should I or shouldn’t I?’’ conversation with my Aunt, in which I didn’t even reveal his race during the deliberation. I was much more concerned about his age and his children.
I brought him around my grandparents house, and boy, was my grandpa pissed. At the time, I thought it was because I had done a dumbass thing by leaving the house for a date while my grandfather was fixing my car, but looking back, it might have had a whole lot more to do with the race of the person I was dating. There are a lot of racist people in my family, we probably would have gotten a lot of shit if we’d become serious and starting dating more – especially due to his age.
Anyway, I’ve been studying institutional racism and critical race theory over the last year – my first real exposure to this subject – and it has made me significantly rethink the notion of ‘‘color blindness.’’ I would still date someone of another race, but I’d be a lot more cognizant and sensitive to the issues that may potentially arise.
For one thing, I’ve had some discussions with my black female classmates, and a lot of them have a very deep, visceral grief around the idea of black men dating white women. A lot of this has to do with dynamics I don’t fully understand, but it’s more than just jealousy or resentment. It seems more to do with them having a diminished sense of self-worth. With so many men in prison (half of all black men at this point), the pickins are very slim for black women, and it sounds like a significant number of those who remain insist upon dating only white women. With black women pushed into this position where they have to be strong and supportive and keep the community together, a lot of them feel betrayed and diminished when black men reject them. They doubt their own self-worth, and it hurts them.
I am just talking about the views expressed by individual black women in my class, not purporting to speak for an entire race. I am just saying that these views, and the real pain that lies underneath the anger, would definitely make me think twice about dating a black man again.
Anyway, I’m married so it doesn’t matter. My husband and I have plans to adopt when we are ready for children. We are both white but have considered interracial adoption. In the same vein as dating black men, I would think very long and hard about adopting a child of another race. I suppose my recent studies have made it very difficult for me to be ‘‘color blind’’ in any way.
And I realize I’ve discussed blackness to the exclusion of all other races. This is because I haven’t really studied/heard about the experiences of other races, and where I grew up, dating other races is generally not looked down upon as long as it’s not a black person.
