I have collected a list of some of the more bizarre stories from the theme park world this past year. Enjoy!
Members of Ratt Don’t Understand Why Disney Hasn’t Themed a Coaster After Them
*After the success of Aerosmith’s “Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster” at Disneyworld, the members of '80s metal band Ratt are furiously lobbying for a themed coaster of their own. Jizzy Pearl, lead singer, declared that “Round and Round” is just as important to the development of rock music as Aerosmith’s dozens of major hits. “We make music good. Coaster fun up and down. Where beer?” said Pearl when reached for comment.
Ratt, which has recently been touring venues with capacities upwards of fifteen people, has released four albums, news that surprised every member of the ARN&R staff. To date, no interest has been forthcoming from Disney. However, ARN&R has learned that The Holy Land Experience theme park in Orlando inquired about the possibility of hiring Ratt to represent the wages of sin in a dark ride under development.*
Paramount Parks to Offer Free Lettuce for 2003
*Recognizing the success that such parks as Holiday World and Lake Compounce have had offering free, unlimited soft drinks, Paramount has announced that all of its theme parks will offer guests free, unlimited lettuce for the full 2003 season.
“We’d heard about these independent parks giving away free soda, and we thought it was an interesting idea,” said spokesman Brian Margolis. “But this is Paramount Parks, and you’re not going to get something so lame as soda from us. We decided that the most exciting and extreme possibility for our giveaway would be the universal food, lettuce.”
Like the parks giving away soda, the Paramount lettuce offer has some restrictions. Visitors can only fill one small salad bowl at a time and dressings are a quarter extra per bowl (fifty cents for Caesar dressing), with Baco-bits costing a dime.
If the promotion is as successful as expected, Margolis told ARN&R that it could be extended into the future and possibly include other green leafy vegetables.*
Sources: C-SPAN to Open “C-SPAN World Theme Park” Outside Washington
*(WASHINGTON) Well-placed sources have reported to ARN&R that C-SPAN (the Cable and Satellite Public Affairs Network) is close to signing a deal with several ride manufacturers and Arlington County, Virginia to open a 55-acre amusement park in 2004. The park will have a combined focus on public affairs and what C-SPAN insiders call “the greatest political public affairs coverage-oriented thrills on Earth!”
At opening, the park is expected to have over 800 televisions showing the three C-SPAN television networks, as well as disguised speakers throughout the park featuring highlights from C-SPAN Radio, including hourly playback of LBJ seeking custom Haggar pants with really deep pockets. On the flat ride front, the primary provider is Wisdom. The highlighted ride, “Washington Journal,” is a customized Starship 2000 in which the ride rotates approximately once every minute, features all-fluorescent lighting, and a soundtrack made up entirely of Phil Gramm speeches.
C-SPAN executives and marketing staff are said to be particularly excited about the park’s initial coaster, tentatively called the “Politicator,” which will operate at speeds upwards of three miles per hour and have three queue lines – one each for Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. A manufacturer has yet to be chosen.
Admission pricing is still under consideration. C-SPAN is reportedly requesting that Six Flags, Paramount, Cedar Fair, and other major park chains make voluntary contributions to provide C-SPAN World Theme Park for free. “The public relations appeal would be enormous,” said an inside source at C-SPAN. "We expect our park to do even better in visitor count than C-SPAN does in viewership, and every one of those visitors would hear “C-SPAN World Theme Park: Created by America’s Theme Park Companies.”
If voluntary donations are not forthcoming, C-SPAN is expected to obtain Congressional action to mandate them.*
End-of-Summer Employee of the Week Not Really All That Good
*The Six Flags New England “Employee of the Week” program seemed like a great idea at the start of the summer: choose a different employee every week to praise as the best in the park. Morale would go up, visitors would see the park trying to improve service, and the employees would enjoy a $25 gift certificate to TGIFriday’s.
But the park management didn’t think about one problem: they don’t have that many great, or even marginally good, employees. With the policy requiring no repeats, this week’s winner, Charles Krisling, who works the counter at a pizza stand near Superman: Ride of Steel, is universally regarded as a barely acceptable employee at best but the best employee left at this late date.
Krisling came to SFNE at the urging of his friend, Dale Nothberg (also a food service employee at SFNE), with whom Krisling got stoned virtually every day of the school year. That tradition continued at SFNE, with frequent breaks behind a men’s room roughly equidistant from each employee’s work station.
Park Manager Bob Frankman, who chose Krisling for the award, explained his decision: “Krisling was on time upwards of seventy percent of the time and prepared a pizza with the correct toppings nearly eighty percent of the time. Those numbers are sufficient to avoid termination and, this late in the season, get you an employee of the week award.”
Krisling termed the award “kinda cool, I guess. Friday’s has those jalapeno popper things, and those things rule when you’re stoned, dude. And I know the bartender at one near my house, and he won’t card me.”*
Six Flags Astroworld to Receive Another Crappy Used Coaster
*In a press release issued on Saturday, Six Flags announced that Six Flags Astroworld will get “another crappy used coaster” next season:
“Six Flags Parks Inc. is pleased to announce that Six Flags Astroworld will receive a Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster for 2003, a genuinely boring and painful coaster that’s been passed around from park to park like a bucket full of bat guano dipped in cat pee. Our valued Houston guests will get to stand in line for up to two hours at a time for the not-even-remotely-unique experience of having their heads smacked back and forth like they moved in on Mike Tyson’s special friend in prison. This piece of crap has abused guests at two Six Flags parks in the past, and we’re happy to dump it on Six Flags Astroworld!”
ARN&R contacted Six Flags Media Relations to point out that Six Flags Astroworld already has a Vekoma SLC, to which the spokesman commented, “What, another coaster’s not good enough for them? Screw 'em, then. They can have that or another Batman stunt show with actors who couldn’t cut it on the Home Shopping Network. What, they’re going to go to that other major theme park in Houston?”*
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Umm, just kidding. This is satire of course. 
To check out more of these hilarious stories, Go Here
