I’ve been there several times in my life. I’ve forgiven my step-mother, who deprived me of my father’s estate, except for a measly ten grand (and it was my mother who helped him amass it; my step-mother only helped him spend it). I’ve forgiven my ex, who scared the stuffing out of me (most ill-matched marriage you ever saw). And I’ve forgiven another man who did me very, very wrong, and who also scared me more than I care to explain. And now I’m working on forgiving my daughter-in-law, who is too jealous to share my only child with me (like, a few hours once or twice a week), after persuading me to move close to them. I’ve made a fair amount of progress on that last one - pretty much there, I think - and it’s been three years.
The one thing that seems to work for me is (after having made up my mind to forgive, and told God about it) to pray daily for the person who has offended me. It doesn’t happen overnight. It may take several years, depending on how offended/injured you feel. But it does work.
Don’t forget that some of the most dramatic changes God makes in us take years to become apparent. So be patient with yourself. If necessary, sing the chorus (to yourself), “Please be patient, God’s not finished with me yet.”
I believe Jesus asked His FATHER to forgive the soldiers. He did not forgive them directly (a semantic difference possibly). Also, taken at face value, Jesus is actually blaming the court (by excluding them in his request), not the soldiers who were following orders.
I think my premise that forgiveness requires a desire to be forgiven is Biblically valid . If a person does not want to be forgiven then you may pray for their redemption, but you cannot give something that does not wish to be given. **
Imagine someone lent their son some money. The son never paid it back, dodged the issue completely. If it was someone else, they’d be really angry now. But they’re likely to forgive their son entirely, lend him more money if he asks, and still love him whatever. However, it’s possible that if this goes on, they will still love their son, but stop lending, because the son has to learn that he can’t do that.
I’m not a christian, but I would say being that forgiving to all people for all sins would be the ideal we’re looking at here.
(I picked the example to make the point, since most people are very much more forgiving to their family. (Being described as ‘children of God’ isn’t coincidence :)) However, most poeple would have a limit even with their family, of course.)
A couple more things. Sometimes, you can forgive someone because you understand why they’re doing something. It’s possible to pity someone who does great wrong.
Finally, however - I’m not, and don’t intend to be, that forgiving. Some people, I can’t face with such equiamnity. I’d hope that if someone changes - and I would try to persuade them to - I can then forgive them completely and easily, which I often have. But if someone is willfullly destructive, and I can’t see why, we have to work round them.
Really finally - however that doesn’t mean you have to labour under a grudge forever. Even if you can’t or don’t accept someone into your life again, you’re a lot happier if you just say “He’s a moron. He did X bad thing. He doesn’t repent. I don’t want anything to do with him. My life is more important than this incident. I will ignore him.” Not exactly forgiveness, but moving on.
Point taken (well, sort of). It would have been nice if Jesus assigned a scribe. We’re left with conflicting reports of the same event. The problem with this account is that it flies in the face of the concept of redemption. Jesus is effectively absolving their sins because they didn’t know they were sinning. By any Christian dogma I’ve been exposed to this is erroneous. You can’t show up at the pearly gates with Hitler’s portfolio and a smile on your face and expect to get in without repenting your sins.
I still think it is fundamentally impossible to give someone the gift of forgiveness if it is refused. Without acceptance it exists as intent unfulfilled by action. It’s a distinction that is worth noting. It gives meaning to the term unrepentant.
I agree in the context of ultimate forgiveness. Full forgiveness can only be received by one who repents. However, one can forgive someone who is unrepentant in the sense that the forgiver can set aside their claim against
the offender & let God deal with judging that person. The offender may never repent & thus may experience God’s full judgement, but the offended party has disentangled himself from that offender.
In the same way, I believe Jesus’s prayer for God to forgive His enemies, Jewish & Roman, was a prayer for God to postpone Judgment, to allow time for repentance. Otherwise, it may have been that the earthquakes of that day would destroy the Temple, the courts of the Sanhedrin, Pilate & Herod Antipas, the Roman garrison, those enemies right their at Golgotha. Instead, a generation was given for the Gospel to spread & Jesus’s Jewish & Roman enemies to turn to God.
I was actually going to post a similar line of thought (forgive my laziness for not typing it sooner). You put it into words better than I could. I see your point that it is possible for someone to set aside their ill will which is truly an act of compassion.
After a little soul searching I have to confess a certain prejudice toward people who are too quick to forgive. I see a middle ground where the actions of the offender are held in obeisance until such time as forgiveness is sought. It is tied to respect, which is also something that is earned and lossed by one’s actions.
This is good stuff. Thank you. Every time the thought comes up I need to make that effort to forgive, to love, to not wallow in resentment.
This is the hardest advice of all. I’m not ready to do this yet, and our relationship is not one where I can toss this out. But you’ve reminded me I have much to be forgiven as well.
You’re right; my praying for this person is not a daily habit. It needs to be.
That would be better than the current situation. But I’m shooting higher than that.
I’m really grateful that people have responded to me. It means a lot. I’m glad other business is getting discussed too, besides just my personal issue. Maybe we’ll figure some things out.
If necessary, sing the chorus (to yourself), “Please be patient, God’s not finished with me yet.”