a question for lesbians - Something I've never understood...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

First let me clarify that I respect that many of you approach this subject with dignity in mind and admitted limited knowledge and perception. I hate labels because they place limits on the true expression of ourselves. Labels are the human ego’s coping mechanisms.

I can promise you that if you live your life with a truly open mind, you will come to find that the human experience can never be contained. Our ego’s set these “boundaries” to make us feel in control. It’s a ruse. Desire, Passion…LOVE …they do not adhere to boundaries or labels. I have heard the “I’m STRAIGHT” proclamation more times than I can recount only to find that their true feelings were not so “black and white”. This is not to say that I don’t believe that there is validity in such declarations. I do not intend to offend anyone. This is just what I have come to understand.

I can certainly understand the many avenues in which you draw your conclusions about the butch woman/lesbian. The thing to remember is that the two don’t necessarily go hand in hand. I have met many a “butch” woman who were married to men…again…labels and boundaries. Our personal perceptions and social paradigms skew reality.
Let me give you the most honest and forthright perspective from an authentic “butch” woman. This is based PRIMARILY on MY EXPERIENCES and those that have been or are in my life.

For me…I have been this way as long as I can remember. To me, it’s not a matter of personal choice. It is what feels natural to me.
I did not wake up one day and decide that “You know what?!?! I think I want to live in a way that targets me for social backlash”
I don’t feel like myself nor do I feel comfortable with products smeared on my face. It does not look like me.
I don’t feel comfortable or feel natural or attractive in feminine clothing. It makes me feel awkward.

I have been harassed for my appearance by narrow minded people. In very hostile ways. People who cannot grasp a world beyond the bridge of their own noses.

I have been accused of wanting to be a man…

I DO NOT want to be a man.

This is not to say that I have not fantasized about being one…not because I want to be one, but because my life would be easier if my natural personality (not to be confused by persona…this is not an act) matched my actual gender…

To be able to be myself without criticism or scrutiny.
To not experience rejection because i’m different or the wrong gender, but because there was no attraction to begin with.
To be accepted

But I am not a man but I live genuine to who I am.

I am a lesbian, and like my “butchness”, have felt this way as long as I can remember.

I am NOT attracted to EVERY WOMAN I encounter just because I am gay. There is usually chemistry from both me and my interest. So, don’t think that if i’m in the women’s locker room that I am eyeballing the women changing in there. I don’t even think that way. That notion is created by homophobia.

I have an attraction to ‘strong’ women. This takes many forms. Most of the time she looks very “femme”. I have also been attracted to women that had some masculine qualities as well. I believe these women are amazing and beautiful.
Likewise, The ones that I have dated or been in relationships felt the same way about me. They looked beyond my “butch or androgynous” appearance. They looked at my heart, my authenticity.
I may be “butch” to the world but I am still a woman. There is a duality to me that surpasses limitations that many set for themselves.

Simply put, I am who I am. It’s not about making a statement. It’s not about challenging social norms. It’s not about gender confusion ~ I know what I am. It’s not about sexual confusion ~ I know what I like.

And just for the record, I am not opposed to the opposite sex…I just have not yet become attracted and had any chemistry with one, though most butch lesbians I know would not agree on this. Aside from this…

I can say confidently, that the basics I’ve laid out here, are for the most part, universally shared.

The moral of this story is: Your (OUR) own perceptions are NOT necessarily absolute reality. Keep your mind and heart open to understanding and drop that ego that limits you. You will find that worlds are more tightly intertwined than you ever thought possible.

WarriorJen :cool:

102

Here, here!

103

Precisely!

104

Hear, hear!

</pedant>

105

But then it wouldn’t be a double entendre. :frowning:

106

I have several answers to this very common question.
The looking and acting like a man thing depends on the person looking. What does a man look and act like? What they are doing is acting masculine as women, and looking masculine as women. Most are not trying to pass as men, the ones that do want to be men become FTM transexuals and become men, its possible these days. Lesbians are attracted to women, and not attracted to men, no matter how feminine or masculine the man is.

-Lesbians are women, straight men are men. Both are attracted to women, but both have very different brains. Men and women may not look for the same things in a partner. There is no reason why lesbians should look for the same type of women as men, or want the same things out of a partner as what men want. Men are the biggest group of people who are attracted to women, and most men tend to have a taste for women that play up there feminine attributes. There might be the odd exception, i bet there are a minority of men out there with alternative interests. A lot of men cannot understand why not all lesbians like the same things in women they do. Straight women are different to men in the way they select partners. Money and what he does in life can make a man more attractive to a straight woman, him just being good looking but lower status and poor does not do for many straight women. If he has skills that will be useful to her he becomes more attractive. This is not women being btches its just evolution wired the mate selection part of a womans brain a bit different. As much as many people see gays and lesbians of freaks of nature, its strange that nature makes so many mistakes, even when the mistakes dont reproduce as much. If a woman can grab a woman who will offer things to her (other then looks and sex but maybe that too who knows) then it is an advantage to take it up. As men evolved to be the ones collecting food and resources (women did gather too though) they have less advantage to look for instrumental partners and more advantage to go for looks as they tell him about the age of the reproductive system and its condition.

-My next answer is, that a woman in menswear with short hair and a bit of swagger does not look like a man from the perspective of the lesbians that like them, she looks like a woman who likes to free her self from the whole feminine thing. Some of them like the male look and do it so well they get called mate etc. But once a lesbian spots her she knows whats under the clothes, she is still a woman. Even in her clothes the fact she is female still shows, the contrast can be appealing as can not having to wait for her to get ready in the morning. It also tells you that she is a lesbian, instead of one of those part time wannabes who have a man somewhere.

-attraction to power and dominance in women, attraction to a powerful female body, liking the muscles with the breasts and female curves on top, liking short hair on a woman as it does not cover her up or get in the way. Sometimes lesbians are not fully butch but have all these things about them.

-Some women like to be with someone who is willing to play out gender roles as they like playing the woman role but are attracted to women, but want someone who will play the masculine role as they like the contrast between them both.

-also a lot of women only look as feminine as they do because they spend time dressing and acting that way. A lot of feminine women are acting too, and some masculine women are not acting its just who they are.

I normally do not fancy every woman i meet, its rare these days for me to like a straight woman, anything about her that tells me she is straight puts me right off even interacting with her on any level unless i have to. Ive more time for straight men then straight women (not in that way), im also not interested in trying to convert her, i dont want her to try me out. Any woman who has not made a full commitment to being a lesbian has no appeal to me. This has come with age, when i was young i would chase any woman i liked as i believed women were very different to what they are like in reality. I was born attracted to women, i had no choice in that, unlike the ones who do it for politics. For a lesbian to date a bi or straight try me out beach is to be a mug. If a woman tells me she is a lesbian because of politics, or because men have treated her bad, then she can get lost. These these things are what make a woman not a real lesbian, not weather she likes butch women or not.

Some messed up straight women do sometimes think dating a butch woman is a good replacement for a man, and some butch women see this is a chance to find a woman. But its always a bad idea as the woman comes full of issues and rejects you as a woman, she may want you to do her and she will not be interested in you, she will walk along in the shadow of your strength and take all she can get, then leave you for a man someday when you works out that you are not a male substitute.

Some butch women do not even see themselves as masculine, they are just who they are, dont want to have male bodys, like the things they like. And find other people tell them they are masculine so over time they start to see themselves as masculine.

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A lot of women maybe want to be more masculine, but present more feminine because they have to. When times change and it becomes more of an option they go as far as they can for there circumstances. Ive always been super masculine on the inside, but wore long hair for many years to hide it. Deep down i want rid of my curves, more muscles and short hair, i have some of these now. I dont want to take testosterone long term though and become male. Im not trans, but thought i might be. After trying testosterone i know being male is not what i want. I just want to be free to be a masculine woman.

Some butch women get accused of trying to act like men, for me i spent many years trying to pass as female dispite being born female. For me it was about having to act to be like a woman, having to pretend. Feeling like i was letting other women down, the ones who accused me of rejecting being female. For me i dont act masculine, ive just stopped trying not to. Im not rejecting femininity, im just not pretending i am it anymore. Ive just given up lying.