A Question on Personal Chemistry

Personal chemistry is (to grossly oversimplify) when you feel a connection with someone, right? But sometimes one person feels a connection, and the other doesn’t. I just don’t understand this. You’re in the company of one another, having the exact same conversations and experiences … so why would one person feel a connection and the other person not feel it?

“Chemistry” is just an expression. Attraction between two individuals, whether mutual or not, is far more complicated and subtle than just a simple polarizaton.

I think you have to connect on several levels for it to be mutual.

You may be very attracted to someone on several levels and they are not feeling those same levels or enough levels for sparks. THat’s life.

Because it’s not only the interests but the value you place on those. Also the intensity you feel it. I recall when “Melrose Place” was on TV, I had a co-worker who’s life just stopped because of that show.

I recall once asking Mary, “Why don’t you just tape the show.” She explained you just can’t TAPE it. It has to be experience WHILE it’s on the air.

OK I’ve never been into that show, but I am sure right now reading this there are people who liked “Melrose Place,” but not with the intensity of my co-worker Mary.

So as you get to know someone you will see not only likes / dislikes but the intensity.

From the George Burns and Gracie Allen Show (Radio)

Gracie is being interviewed for a magazine:

Interviewer) Now Miss Allen, you and George have been married for a long time over 15 years. How do you account for this.

Gracie) Well it’s just a matter of having the same likes and dislikes

Interviewer) Such as

Gracie) For intance, I LIKE to stick my cold feet on George to warm them up and George DISLIKES it


There’s a difference between feeling a connection with someone and being attracted to them. The OP’s question seems odd to me. One-sided attractions are a part of life. There’s no single reason they happen.

Even rivers flow only one way.

There might not be a single reason why things like this happen, but I don’t think the OP’s question is all that odd.

If you go on a date with someone, it seems logical to wonder why one person feels that was the first and last date, while the other thinks they’ve found ‘the one’. This is obviously an extreme, but when we have experiences like this, I think it’s natural to wonder why (and how) the signals got so crossed.

One of the many reasons for this is that people will be looking for different things. For example you might have 2 people who both like poetry (or some other aspect of culture). On the first date they might have a stimulating, in depth, conversation about poetry. For one person this will lead them to think that the other is ‘the one’. But the other might not be looking for someone they can talk to poetry about, even if the conversation was deeply stimulating to them. They might have experience of such relationships foundering, and be looking for other qualities which the first person doesn’t have. They might have detected signs that the first person is a flake in some way or other, or they might be looking for someone whose gaze thrills them in a way which was missing on this date.

On other occasions it will be the case that the second person did not actually find the first person’s conversation original or stimulating, but went along with the chat because it was unobjectionable. They are not leading the first person on, but the first person does not pick up on cues which would tell others that the second person has heard the first one’s points before.

Rent “500 Days of Summer”.

That myth of instant chemistry is what keeps Hollywood rolling.

I went on three dates with the man who is now my husband before I felt any sort of connection to him. I didn’t have that instant spark. But after I got to know him, I realized that I was crazy about him, that we did have chemistry. But it takes a while sometimes. And many people these days think it’s supposed to be instantaneous, like on TV and in the movies. When it’s not, they give up.

It also depends on a persons standards: for some, physical attraction is the chemistry, and if one party feels it and the other not, there’s a problem. For me, there has to be an emotional, cultural connection, even if a physical attraction isn’t there right away. He might not care beyond looks, thus if I fit the physical bill, I pass. If not, we could connect on a deep psychic level, but it’s a losing proposition.