Do you think "Chemistry" should stay strong forever

I dont know I’m kind of conflicted about this…my friend that was home with her child a couple of years has just started working and feeling like her old self again…getting dressed up, flirting with guys…and now she really wants that old self back…associating her old self with fun and her new self with chores, sweatpants, and just becoming old with a guy.

I’ve heard this a couple of times the past couple of years from diff. girls, …kind of similar situation…bascially the guy is pretty decent , no real ground for divorce (like conventional standards), just boredom & between the sheets fun lacks a lot!
So , I am conflicted on how I feel about it, so in your opinion, do you think you have to work at marriage if chemistry is lagging or drop it and move on ?

It happens in lots (all?) of relationships. Certainly in lesbian relationships it’s a common occurrence. So much so that it has its own name, “Lesbian Bed Death”!

I think it’s something you need not so much to work on, but to make sure it doesn’t get to a point where it’s a problem. TELL your partner you need a bit of hot lovin’, or cuddles, or flirting, or whatever it is that feels right for you.

For some people, a reduction in sexual activity in a relationship is a deal-breaker. For others, it’s expected, and they cope with it. YMMV, of course.


I think nearly everyone has to work to keep the “spark” going, and should be aware that you aren’t going to feel that “new romance” feeling for the rest of your relationship/life.

In grad school, I studied social psychology, specifically interpersonal relationships. My advisor taught a class on this, which inevitably attracted a large class size. One day she was lecturing on this very topic, talking about how that “swept-away” feeling was basically your body telling you that something very important was happening which you had better pay attention to (it’s essentially an “oo, reproduction (sex) is definitely a possibility here!” warning), and that after a while it would fade. She went on to explain that you can’t possibly exist in that same state forever, that it’d be a stress on the body to keep up that level of intensity and alert, and that it simply isn’t needed - it’s there to get you interested in “catching” a partner. She lamented how our culture overemphasizes that feeling, proclaiming it to be “true love” or “true romance” when it’s pretty much a big dose of lust and interest. One of the female undergrad students raised her hand and said something to the effect of how she thought that was depressing. My advisor replied that if you thought relationships are supposed to be those initial, intense “fireworks” all the time, you were dooming yourself to a life of short-term, serial relationships, becoming bored and disillusioned with each in turn and leaving that person to find your “real” love.

I understand the lament of the woman described in the OP, but she’s chasing a dream. She needs to find ways to stir up passion in her current relationship, rather than thinking about the past.

There’s fun and then there’s love. Yes, it’s great to “have fun”, and if she’s missing it then she should be talking to her PARTNER about it. As a couple, they can go out, have a “date”, dancing, whatever. There’s no law that says “as soon as you’re married you have to wear sweatpants and be boring (and bored) all the time.”

However, one should never mistake “fun” with “love”. IMO, the best description of love I’ve seen yet is from Fiddler on the Roof. The song, not so coincidentally, is called “Do You Love Me?” Relevant portion:

Love isn’t the fun, the fireworks, the thumpty-thumps. Love is a commitment, the doing for when you don’t feel like it. The washing of laundry, the making of dinner, the raising of children…you get the point.
Anyone that confuses love with lust / romance / “fun” is losing out on a very rich life, and as Ferret Herder said, is dooming themselves to a life of short-term, serial relationships, each ending in boredom and disillusionment.

Could you explain that a little more…because to me, that stuff sounds like it sucks.

I think what DogMom means is that love isn’t always going to fit the description of “true love”. For instance, a parent loves a child unconditionally. A parent changes diapers, puts up with temper tantrums, bad behavior, cleaning up messes, et cetera. Those are definitely not fun things for a parent to do, but that is part of loving another person. You do things because you have to, not always because you want to. But in the long run, the good should outweigh the bad and you will get the same love back in return.

I think that is what she was trying to say. That love isn’t all fun and games. Love isn’t simply infatuation, lust, and fun. It takes work and you have to be willing to make sacrifices, compromises, and changes.

Hi folks. First ever post here, so, um, hi there!

i just had a bf break up with me, and I think that lack of passion was part of the problem. Hard to say, he isn’t so verbal about emotions. But from my experience…

I think that first passion is partly caused by the uncertainty and risk involved in a new relationship. The relationship goes on, comfort sets in, and part of you might crave a new adventure. This was happening for us. But there was also, for me, mmmm… comfort and safety and intimacy, the feeling of love and closeness and of having a close participant in the daily to and fro of life. Still passionate, but not in a seventh-grade homeroom kind of way. Obviously, this may not be enough for everyone. I do think that need for adventure has to be satisfied, just not necessarily through starting a new relationship. For me, that would be like seeing the previews over and over, but never watching the movie.

One half-remembered radio show (NPR) said that the hormones your brain creates in the first phase of a relationship can also be set in motion by discovering new things, preferably with your partner. For what it’s worth.

Sorry for the semi-hijack. It’s all part of the process.

Sounds like she’s tired of being a dumpy housefrau and wants some excitement in her life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most women need to be more than just “mommy.” Hubby can either get on board with that and go and spice things up, or he can lounge in his easy chair while she goes out and finds some fun on her own.

I’d advise him to go with.

I think the important part of this is that the woman needs to share how she’s feeling. It doesn’t have to be a deep discussion of their relationship - maybe something simple enough as “Hey - maybe we could take some time for us, away from the kids?”. I’m sure that the woman’s husband didn’t have any great desire to lose the spark - maybe he wants to get it going again as well.


Should chemistry should stay strong forever? Well, I guess it depends on how you define chemistry. If you’re talking about that intense, heady rush of mental and physical intoxication with someone, no. We just don’t have the resources to keep that up forever. It has to be replaced with something else that burns low and slow instead of hot and bright and fast. If you’re talking about a feeling of connection with someone, that state where you almost unconsciously “get” one another, I don’t see how you can continue to have a relationship without it.

What the OP’s talking about, though…that’s almost a separate matter. That’s less a matter of connection or chemistry and more a matter of making time to pay attention to that connection and chemistry. It’s awfully easy to let it get buried in a long-term relationship because day-to-day life just piles so much shit on you. There’s dishes to wash and grass to mow and litterboxes to change, and aw shit you’re gonna be late for work, and somebody needs to pull the kids apart before they kill each other, and if you’re not careful it starts to feel like your life is nothing but constant work of one kind or another. Everything’s just a dull gray slog, and nothing new and colorful and exciting will ever happen to you again. And although you love your family, a part of you thinks, “That’s it? That’s all there is? What a fucking gyp!”

It takes time and energy and a concerted effort not to fall into that trap, not to let your connection get buried under all the shit. And when it does get buried, it takes even more time and effort to dig it back out. Is it worth the effort to do that digging? Well, that’s something everyone has to decide for themselves, based on how much digging it’s going to take and how likely they think it is that they’ll find something they still want.

msmith537, here’s something I wrote a while back that might clarify her point a bit.

Love is the little stuff that happens every day. Love is scooping the dog poop in the yard, so you don’t have to do it. Love is scooping up that last bite of a dessert we’re sharing on my fork…and putting it in your mouth. Love is unstopping the kitchen sink, or plunging the toilet. Love is taking out the garbage in the rain. Love is buying that cheese you really like when I’m grocery shopping. Love is washing the dishes, because you hate doing it even more than I do. Love is feeding, grooming, petting, and playing with your cats when you can’t, even though I don’t really like cats all that much.

Yeah, I guess that stuff sounds like it would suck. And on one level it does kind of suck–it’s not like scooping shit or unstopping the sink is exactly topping anyone’s list of Fun Stuff I Want To Do. But overall, though, it really doesn’t suck. In it’s own mundane way it’s kind of wonderful, because this other person is doing sucky stuff for you, too. Love, real love, isn’t about big grand gestures. It’s about the fifty million little everyday ways you tell and show someone that their happiness and well-being is important to you.

Just my input, but it seems to me that it’s an every day struggle. My BF and I actually had a discussion once about the need to seduce each other every day. It makes for some creative work, but yeah, I admit, it is work.

There are days when we just don’t feel like putting in that work. But if you make the effort, it does seem to pay off. The longer you let it go, the harder it is to keep the passion alive, and once the passion is gone…I dunno - it seems most relationships part ways when the passion simply isn’t there.

There are lots of innovative ways to create special times. The creativity can be the hardest part, but - so far - it seems to pay off. Then again, I am only into year two.



I think the distinction needs to be made between “having fun” and being happy.

Most folks who are out there HAVING FUN, aren’t particularly happy. Most folks in the throws of new love aren’t happy either - they’re too busy going from over the top ecstasy to deepest depression.

Good relationships mellow from new love (i.e. insanity) into happiness. That happiness remains while the people in them aren’t doing fun things so much as taking care of the hum drum, run of the mill chores that come with life. If the person the OP is discussing isn’t happy - then that needs looking into, but going backwards to the fun stage of a relationship isn’t the answer in the long run.