Scenario: She and I worked together with a geologist who is ~10 years my senior back in the early '80s. She was his secretary before she finished school and became a PLM professional. She and I used to run around together a lot, and remain good friends. The geologist in question was one of my early mentors.
She was pretty sexually aggressive back then, and a co-worker turned that against her, by making anonymous phone calls to the geologist’s wife suggesting that she (my friend) was putting the moves on him (I was there - she was not). It made a stink, she left for another job, but remains with strong feelings of empathy for her old boss.
So she called today to tell me that the subject geologist’s second son committed suicide this weekend. There’s a whole story there, but I’m not going into it. I can’t attend the memorial, but I’ll send him and his wife a card. I hear they’re not doing very well with it, which I can easily understand. I’ll also call him in a few days just to let him bleed, if he needs to. He might not - he’s a pretty tough bird.
But my friend really wants to send some sympathy, and she’s afraid to because of the earlier stir up with his wife.
Send the note–to both parents. It’s been years. The wife/mother may have gotten over it. If not, it is only an expression of sympathy, not a suggestion they “pick up where they left off.”
Tough one. If it were me, I probably would not send it. The last thing I want to do is remind a grieving mother of the time she was a (incorrectly) injured wife. Again, all MHO, but it’s my thought that she should refrain, because of the history, and if you’ll be talking to your mentor in the near future, she can have you pass on her condolences. I’m sure he will understand completely why she didn’t do so herself.
This is all moot if it’s certain that the wife never believed the rumors in the first place.
I meant to add that sympathy is for the receivers, and not the bearers, and she should consider whether her sympathy will make one or both of the parents feel better (or indifferent), or worse.
As was pointed out, it’s not completely clear whether or not the wife ever thought there was something to the rumor. Plus, with all due respect (I mean that), as much as you were there, you weren’t there 100 percent of the time. IOW, I believe that you believe, but it’s possible something went on that you were not aware of.
In any event, if there is any possibility the wife could be hurt or anguished over receiving something – don’t assume 10 years would have erased her memory – I’d advise your friend to simply say some prayers for them on her own.