My cousin, who I never liked, killed herself. What do I write?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My cousin Mary killed herself about a week ago. The cremation, memorial service, and scattering of the ashes all happened already on the other side of the country.

Mary and I never really got along…not outright animosity just that we never clicked. The whole family knows, but it isn’t something that would be talked about.

I have to write to Mary’s mother and grandmother (my great aunt) and brother and I have no freaking idea what to say: So sorry Mary offed herself? I suspect that won’t fly.

Any help out there?

2

I suppose I should add that Mary was an adult, mid-30s.

3

Offer your love, condolances, and support to her survivors. They’ll appreciate it. You need not really adress the deceased at all, especially if doing so would mean speaking ill of the dead or else being insincere.

4

If your animosity was well-known, then a very vague, very non-comittal reference to it would be OK… other than that, keep it short, polite and simple.

5

I think Menocchio has the right idea, of just offering your condolences and your support.

6

Oh, I meant a vague, noncomittal reconcilliatory message, obviously :smack:

7

What **Menocchio[/] said: offer them your love, condolences, and support.

8

Dear Aunt Mary’s Mom,

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I can’t even imagine the sadness and pain you must be feeling. You have my deepest condolences and most heartfelt sympathies. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help the family during this difficult time.

With Much Love,
Niece Twiddle

9

Something like “My sympathies are with you in your time of grief. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Vague and somewhat comforting.

10

Yeah, you don’t have to like someone to be able to recognize their death is a painful loss to their loved ones. I’m sure they will appreciate your sympathy. I would warn against making any reference to the dislike. Nothing good could come from mentioning it, and it might stir up more unpleasantness.

11

This thread has some good advice. Just remember that just because your cousin died, it doesn’t mean you necessarily have to dwell on, or even really reference, her and your feelings for her in your letter. Concentrate on the living; they’re the ones who need the comfort anyway.

12

The suggestions here have all been good.

Also, if there is some memory of her that you can bring up that is all positive (“I remember that nice Christmas we all spent together in '96, where we decorated the tree”) then do that. The grieving like to know that you have positive memories. They like to know that the lost loved one will be remembered.

Or, just mention something about her that the grieving family admired. (“I know how good she was with needlework.”) Something like that. Most grieving relatives will find comfort in such a comment.

You don’t have to do any of this if you can’t think of anything or if you are afraid that somehow you might express yourself poorly. It’s just that if you can think of anything and you are sure it’s harmless enough to be of some comfort, add it to the letter. Otherwise, the scripted missives provided here are quite adequate.

13

I’d like to add

  1. Don’t lie
    BUT
  2. Don’t menion that you didn’t like her.
14

Well, how do you feel about your Aunt, your Great Aunt and you cousin that is still alive?
You are writing to them. Let the note be about your feelings for them.