A friend from college and I exchange annual letters during the holiday season. Last year her letter arrived with the sad news that her 25-year-old son had died from an overdose. I sent a sympathy card with a heartfelt letter.
So now it’s time to write my 2005 letter to her, and I’m having a difficult time coming up with anything that seems appropriate. No doubt this has been a terrible year for her; the holidays will probably be extremely difficult, being the anniversary of the son’s death.
Although I want to make it clear that I have not forgotten about her pain, I feel awkward explicitly mentioning the son or his death.
I also don’t want to say anything that may sound like, “well, you should be feeling better by now”; a year is not much time to mourn a son, and certainly my friend has a right to as much time as she needs.
Furthermore, I feel like an insensitive ass writing the usual stuff about what I did this year: “While you were grieving your son’s death, I went to New York City, and boy, did I have fun.”
Any suggestions what to write that will console and not be offensive or insensitive?
No – go ahead and mention him – she’ll be relieved. Seriously. All kinds of people have been ducking the topic, creating additional levels of weirdness.
Say what you said here: I’m thinking about you a lot, and suspect you must be dreading the upcoming holiday season. Hope you’re doing better as a little time passes. I am well, as is my family [if that’s all so]. You’re in my thoughts and prayers [omit the latter if not appropriate]. Hang in there. Love, LF.
“No doubt this has been a terrible year for [you]; the holidays will probably be extremely difficult, being the anniversary of [your] son’s death.”
You say that you feel awkward about being so direct with her, but I honestly think it’s the best way to go. You can’t ignore what she’s been going through, and a frank “wow, I can’t imagine what the past year has been like for you, and it feels weird to be writing to you about my year” can go a long way. And then tell her about your year! Acknowledge the loss, but don’t dwell on it … life does go on, as I’m sure she’s realized by now. You’re right that a year isn’t a long time in the grand scheme, and she certainly won’t be “over it,” but she should be past the worst of it – that is, the worst of the initial loss, because I know there are stages and that the first anniversary can be extremely difficult. She will probably be happy to hear about the good things going on in the lives around her.
Even if you don’t say exactly the right thing, I think that the effort and your heart being in the right place really will be all that matter. I think your friend will appreciate hearing from you, no matter what you say.
Maybe this isn’t the year to do the annual letter. Why don’t you phone her first and take it from there? Then if you do write, the letter will flow logically.
What’s more, just hearing the love in your voice will be enormously comforting to her. And vice versa.
Whatever you do, though, will end up being the right decision. I’m sure of it.
I agree with letting her know you are thinking about her - in whatever way seems best, be it phone or letter. And do mention her son, and that you are thinking about how hard this will be for her - he may be gone, but he is still her son. Too many well-meaning people try to tip-toe around sad issues and pretend they didn’t happen. I don’t think that is helpful to one who is suffering a loss.
It is very kind of you to think about this - I know people who would send off a “my son aced the SAT’s and won Outstanding Student of the World” letters without a second thought.
After my dad died, I appreciated much more the people who came up and said “I was so sorry about your dad’s death” and touched me in a friendly way than those who would say “oh, oh my, I was so sorry, oh my, it must be horrible, oh…” and avoided looking me in the eye. Unfunnily enough, the first ones usually knew he’d been sick for quite some time; the second ones had had no idea.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I guess I’ll take the direct approach. This is going to be a hard letter to write.
But it occurs to me that it’s not nearly as hard as the one my friend had to write to tell her friends that her son had died from an overdose.
When I was grieving the death of my daughters I walked a delicate balance between just wanting things to be normal and wishing someone would at least acknowledge what had happened.
So, my recommendation is do both. Let her know what’s been going on with you this year just like you always do, the good, the bad and otherwise.
But also let her know that you’ve been thinking of her and her son.
It’s hard to explain. While losing a child is a life changing experience, it doesn’t have to define your existance. She remains all of the things she was before but now has the added aspect of being a grieving mother. This is why I think it’s important to acknowledge all of the previous aspects of your friendship and also acknowledge the difficult time she’s going through.
