Here’s the deal:
A little over a year ago a good friend of mine’s son and daughter had a little baby boy prematurely (at around 29 weeks). The baby lived for a few weeks, then died on my friends birthday (today). There are several memorials in the paper (from her and from the parents), and I know this will be a somber day for everyone in the family.
My question:
I want to get my friend a nice card and gift for her birthday, but also recognize and express support for the difficulty she is going through today. How?
My gift to her is a gift card for a local plant store that she loves. Should I also make a donation in the baby’s name to a charity and note it in a separate card? Should I wait and acknowledge her birthday tomorrow? Should I call her today and express that I’m thinking of her, then get together this evening for a drink and gift giving?
Any ideas? I don’t want to shy away from her just because it’s a difficult thing to acknowledge and get through.
Yes, by all means acknowledge their loss. Damn near everybody else in their lives will be pushing them - consciously or unconsciously - to “move on.” It’s part of other people’s mechanisms for avoiding thoughts about their own mortality.
The donation in the child’s name sounds good to me. If you know a charity that’s close to their heart, then that would be best. And good use would be put to the money.
Don’t worry about “reopening the wound” – they will never forget, and it always helps to have others acknowlege. “Pain shared is pain divided: joy shared is joy increased” to paraphrase Spider Robinson.
What a tough situation. Hopefully, Hallmark does not make a combination “Happy Birthday”/“Sorry Your Grandson Died” card, so this calls for a letter (in a blank greeting card if you want). I suggest something like this:
I won’t go into detail, but I speak from personal experience very similar to what your friend went through.
You seem to have an excellent grasp of their emotional standpoint. Absolutely acknowledge their birthday and their grief.
Maybe a card from you stating that you love her and are thinking of her. A gift as well, if you feel so inclined. And a donation to a charity which is particularly close to her is certainly in order.
Please, don’t encourage them to “get on with life” or to “seek closure”. Trust me, they’re doing that.
If you feel so inclined, offer help or support. One of those “If there’s anything I can do…” statements might help. But be sure to be able to live up to it. When people offered that that to me, I often followed with “there’s nothing that I need right now, but I’ll take a raincheck on that offer. OK?” Sometimes, having a friend follow up on that offer was much more helpful than having received a card or gift.
Well, I ended up doing this:
I went to a garden center and got my friend a gift certificate for her birthday with a fun card. I also got a “thinking of you” card and addressed it to her, her husband, and her son and daughter in law (the parents) and just simply said that I wished them all strength and was thinking of them. I also included a note that I made a donation to Parents of Preemies, a website and organization that helps parents in similar situations.
It went over great, she had some grateful tears, then we had a wine cooler and some ice cream. All is well.
What a kind, compassionate, loving thing to do, Zette!
I’m sorry I’m too late to give any meaningful input to this thread, but there’s no way I could have come up with any suggestions better than either the ones you’ve received here, or what you eventually decided on.
I admire you–in your shoes, I’m pretty sure I’d have shied away from your friend just because it’s a difficult thing to acknowledge and get through, as you said. Kudos to you for having the courage to follow through!