I have a friend from work - my assistant, actually, who is currently on maternity leave.
Her baby is about 9 months - at about 4 months Drs noticed health problems - there’s been a series of treatments and interventions; however, today I found out that her baby has died.
I really can’t imagine anything more horrible than this and I’m at a loss of how to be supportive. I made arrangements for a meat/cheese/fruit/sweet tray to be delivered to her home tomorrow, I will attend the service on Friday and am arranging for a donation in her child’s name on behalf of our workplace. However, all of these things seem grossly inadequate given the awfulness of the situation.
A couple of my coworkers have suggested calling her; however, we’re not particularly close - she did call me with the news (left a voice mail) and left the details for the service on Friday but didn’t say much else than that (which was way more than I expected). I’m also concerned that as her direct report-to she may interpret a phone call as a urging to return to work.
I don’t even know how that part works - I certainly won’t be pushing her to return; however, I don’t know what the rules are surrounding this type of situation - if a parent is allowed X amount of time off when they have a child does that change if the child passes away? If so, how gross and horrible. I have one friend that thought the person would need a psych eval to be cleared to return, or perhaps the would get their 52 week of maternity leave, plus another 6 months of stress leave (both of which seem reasonable to me) but I have no idea if that’s true.
I suppose I’m really at a loss as to what to do - I’ve never experienced anything even remotely like this and while I can imagine how awful it is, I have no idea what sorts of things I would want if I were in that circumstance.
That is a very sad situation. It sounds like you’re being supportive.
About the leave, are you in Canada? In the US, the typical maternity leave is 12 weeks, so it doesn’t sound like you’re here. If your company is big enough to have an HR department, they should be able to help you with the details of how leave would be accounted for. The psych eval seems like an unlikely requirement unless you are in a particularly sensitive field. Does your company have an employee assistance program? If so, that would be available to provide counseling to her and to you, if you’d like more specific advice.
If it were me in her position, I would love for you to look into the leave situation and figure out what needs to be done to take advantage of different options both short and long term and put it all in writing for me ('cuz I probably wouldn’t be processing information very well). The last thing I would want to do is be explaining the situation to yet more people to figure out how to take time to grieve.
I don’t know if you can stand to do this, but every parent I’ve known that has lost a baby that late has had pictures, and every one of them has wanted to show them to people. Those pictures are all they have, and they’ve spent hours noticing every curve of the ear, every eyelash. They want to talk about those pictures. At some point–not now, but if you are discussing the baby later–it’s a kindness to ask if they’d like to show you. It’s not at all fun-- though dead babies frankly look a lot like sleeping babies–but it really is a kindness. Just be prepared to collapse and cry yourself to sleep later.
As far as what you do right this minute–I doubt she is in anyway rational, and won’t remember much anyway. So don’t fret to much.
As far as leave goes, do remember that she’s been through either labor or a C-section, and maternity leave is always as much about the mom physically recovering as it is about bonding with the baby.
As the supervisor, go ahead and call her now. Don’t sweat the work details, that can wait until after the funeral. Just call, express condolences, tell her to deal with her situation as needed, offer whatever assistance you can. If absolutely necessary, tell her to contact you or HR sometime next week to handle whatever arrangements need to be made. Don’t keep her on the phone long–15 min max.
Between now and next week, look in to whatever policies apply at work, and what options are available.
Thank you everyone for the replies. Yes Harriet the Spry I am in Canada - 52 weeks is the standard maternity leave here - new parents get the full year off paid and are assured their old job back at completion of that year - how companies handle payment varies. Assuming a parent has worked for 6 months (full time - there is an hour requirement) leading up to the leave they will receive 52 week of employment insurance which is around 70% of their salary - many companies including mine, will then top the employee up to 100% for the duration of the leave.
I know that EI will not terminate benefits until the end of the 52 weeks - she may need to report the death, but she will continue to get benefits; however, I’m not sure if my company will do the same. Not to seems really cold; however, usually these decisions are made by folks who are focused on bottom lines and not individuals. I suspect that EI would continue to provide 70% pay for the following 6 months before they terminated coverage; however, I know that my company will not do this.
Now, as to calling - despite being this woman’s direct supervisor, I am not authorized to contact her in regard to work specifics. When arranging for the delivery of the tray I had to contact the caterer, set everything up and then have our HR department call with the delivery address - they are not authorized to give me that information. I have notified HR of the situation so they can begin to do whatever they need to do; however, I can’t really discuss anything like that with this woman. I agree this is a real shame - I’m sure she would like some reassurance about her position and our HR department is not peopled with a particularly warm group of folks; however, I hope they will be able to turn off their reptile brains for 15 minutes when they speak to her.
Manda JO - thank you for the thought - I will try to be available in that capacity. She has been posting many pictures and messages regarding the situation on her facebook page (which I find…odd; however people get support how they get support - no criticism here) so I’ve seen many pictures of her baby looking really quite ill - I don’t suspect additional pictures would be any worse/better. Regarding the healing from labour/delivery/c-section - parents who adopt only get 10 months of paid leave rather than the full year so I guess someone, somewhere has decided that 2 months is the amount of time required to recover from birth. Go figure.
I do have one specific questions regarding flowers/plants - I was not planning on sending flowers for sure - I’m sure they will receive 50 arrangements and I imagine it would be quite overwhelming. What about a plant? Or perhaps a tree planted in memory of the child? Would these be good? Cheesy? Awful?
I’d think a plant might be good, but if you do that, make sure you get one that’s hard to kill. Easy to keep going might be the better way to put that, but I’d hate to think she had a plant that was meant to be a remembrance of her child, and the plant didn’t last very long. I like the tree idea, and maybe if she has a place to put them, you could send a flowering plant that she could then put in her garden. A lily or some kind of bulb or something like that.
I think the things you’ve done so far will be a big help, and will mean a lot to her.
Manda Jo, I think the baby was nine months old (three months shy of the first birthday), not a nine month fetus. I read the OP a couple of times to clear that in my head.
alice in wonderland, all you’ve done so far sounds really thoughtful and I’m sure it will be appreciated. The plant or the tree sounds lovely to me.
Got it. Being American, I didn’t consider being on maternity leave 9 months after birth. I was thinking of a woman I know who lost a baby when she was about 25 weeks pregnant: she didn’t come back to work for about a month, and everyone talked about it as if it were purely berevement leave. I kept having to be like “you know she went through labor, right? Her body is pretty beat up, on top of everything else . . .”
Yes, that’s correct. The baby is an actual little person who’s been in to visit with mom - while I’m sure losing a baby very late in pregnancy is awful, I have to assume that losing a baby who’s moved in, developed a personality and is part of the family is worse not that there’s a competition for these things.
thirdwarning that’s a good point and I’m not sure she’s a plant person. I’m racking my brain trying to think back to clues she’s provided regarding that type of thing but I really don’t know her very well at all - she was pregnant when she started work and was gone after about 4 months on her leave (there was a lot of mental gymnastics and finagling needed to ensure she was alloted her required 6 months of work time) - unfortunately, I don’t really know her very well at all.
I feel like with the phone calls and updates she’s reaching out to me and I’m failing because I know so little about her. However, I will think about a tree - it may be possible to get a memorial tree planted at one of the local gardens (there are quite a few around here) - maybe that would be nice? (Although in my head I think that is something that I would like, and have no idea if she would like it).
Perhaps something that doesn’t require any upkeep, like a donation to an appropriate charity or a gift (or collection from the office) that names something for the baby, that sort of thing?
If you’re not close on a personal level then keep it simple. She’ll appreciate a phone call/card and support at the funeral. Don’t skimp on the flowers and donate a little something to a listed charity if the family specifies one. You can’t fix her hurt so don’t try.
As far as her leave of absence is concerned, it would be helpful if you were to spell out what she is entitled to and encourage her to use it all. If it doesn’t seem like much you can express your regrets and offer of any help.
Definitely do as much of the HR fact-finding / wrangling for your colleague as you can - that kind of administrative stuff is the sort of thing she does not have the energy for.
A heartfelt note.
No flowers. They’re likely overwhelmed with those at the moment. And, well, flowers die. I don’t know that I’d send a plant either.
They won’t have a lot of energy for meal-prep for a while. Or possibly any interest. So, casseroles, especially something that can be frozen until they need it.
When friends of mine were in a similar situation we helped out with whatever errand-running we could - grocery shopping and the like.
I seem to recall you’re in Calgary? If so, I believe the city may supply a memorial tree, but I’m not sure. I know they did in the past, via the funeral homes, but that program may be over. The City of Calgary website has some information, but it’s not entirely clear to me. It does have a phone number or email at the end where you can contact the city for more information.
I think a tree is a lovely idea. There are other options, as well, in terms of memorials. Sponsoring a bench at a playground or park might be nice, especially if there was a park they enjoyed during the baby’s life.
I agree with what most have said about looking into her leave entitlements and encouraging her to make the most of them. Also, perhaps investigated whether a staggered return to work would be possible, as she may find it overwhelming to come and work full days at first.
If you really are only a work colleague, then I wouldn’t go overboard with a gift, to be honest. Just knowing that you are thinking of her, supporting her and ensuring she has the time to grieve is the most important thing.
She may actually want to come back to work earlier than required, too - too much time alone in the house thinking might not be the best thing for her. I think the best thing you can do as her supervisor right now is go to the funeral and tell her then that she needs to do what is best for her, and your company will support her in that. Flowers sent on behalf of the company is understood to be a token gesture, but when Jim’s company sent him flowers when his grandma died, it was still appreciated.
If you know what her baby died from, maybe you could make a donation to that charity in her name.
ETA: The poster formerly known as featherlou.
The tree really is a lovely idea. My friend had this done for me when my 2-year-old niece was killed in a car accident. She gave me a lovely folder that had the details of the tree in it, printed on a nice heavyweight piece of paper. I still have it.
It’s the thought that counts, more than anything else. And she will already be deluged with flowers - after Hannah’s ceremony, we gave many of them away. To keep them all in one house would’ve been impossible.
I lost a young daughter 5 years ago and I am still screwed up by it and always will be. The best thing you can do for anyone in that situation is to be sympatheic but still treat them like a normal person. Lots of people are really skittish about that and it makes things worse. People provided meal service for us for well over a month and it was much appreciated even if some of it wasn’t to our taste. It was still the thought that counted. You can come up with anything really (except flowers; they get spooky after a while) including naming a star after a child (I know it is a scam but still) to signing up for a website that lets people offer condolences en mass. I came within hours of dying myself a few months ago and people did all kinds of simple things for me and that meant a lot no matter what it was. Even arranging something like a one-time maid visit would be helpful.
Here are a couple of resources that I used when we lost our daughter. We lost her during birth, so the resources are slanted more towards stillborn and early days of life, but there may be a link or two worth looking through.