There were a crapload of kids in my lower-middle class neighborhood while growing up. One of them (Mac) lived around the corner from us, and he was a right little shit. He was 2 years younger than me and always tagged along with his older brother Charlie (who was my age, and in my grade). I was a stereotypical goody-goody, and Mac was mean and loud and often broke shit. He set bugs on fire in his youth, and escalated his shittiness with age, to the point where he was no longer welcome in our yard/home. Charlie was cool though, we played outside a lot as kids and graduated high school together as acquaintances/not-quite friends (“Haha, remember when we used to play chicken in the yard?” “Haha, I know right? Good times”).
Anyway, I hadn’t thought about Mac or Charlie in years. Then last night I was struck by a desire to look Charlie up online, just to see how he was doing. And I found out Mac had joined the military right out of high school and did a successful tour in Iraq. Then, as a veteran in his 20s, Mac committed suicide. That was over a year and a half ago.
So I guess my question is, is there a way to contact/express condolences to Charlie and his family without sounding gauche? Should I just not bother? I don’t know how to handle this. Obviously I wasn’t close enough to any of them to find out about this in a more timely manner. I went to college downstate, and moved to a different area afterward, so I didn’t keep in touch. I just found out about all this through myspace, an obituary, and various news articles.
I will likely email my mom and sister, just to let them know. Not that there was any love lost between Mac and any of us, of course. But I wasn’t sure how to approach the Charlie-side of things.
Hmmm, interesting question. I would ask the following of you:
You knew Charlie, but how well did you know his family? If you were friends with his siblings, mom and dad then a quick note of condolence would be in order. I certainly wouldn’t mention his shortcomings as they won’t remember him that way and it matters little now. If you had no relationship with the family I don’t think that I would bother.
I dunno. I look up people I knew from childhood occasionally, simply out of morbid curiosity. I haven’t reconnected with any of the people I’ve looked up yet, but I might if someone happened to live near where I live now (none have yet–it’s the kind of city that few escape from, if you know what I mean).
Their last name is so uncommon that when I just search lastname+suicide on google, it’s the first result that pops up (plus he was a young veteran, so there are several articles about it). Which is why I found this out in the first place. I had initially thought that Charlie committed suicide, because the first page of results when I just searched for his name mentioned suicide several times (turned out to be a bunch of copies of the same obituary, where he was mentioned in the “survived by” section).
It isn’t about Mac. It’s about those who knew/loved him and were left behind.
You don’t have to say anything about what you thought of him. You just have to tell them that you heard about his death, you are very sorry for their pain, and you’re thinking of them. I imagine it will mean a great deal to his family.
Are you sure Mac didn’t fake his own death because his father was getting out of prison and had threatened to eat his butt and Charlie’s butt until his stomach was full of butts?
I’m a heartless monster and wouldn’t say anything. Just think to myself that it sucks he couldn’t or didn’t get help for any of the problems he was facing. Or never sought help or didn’t think it would help or it wasn’t helping fast enough. In some form or another I’d be sad it ended the way it did and move on.
EDIT: If I happened to come in contact with anyone from his family I’d express my condolences and wish them the best of times moving forward.
Although I’d agree with you if the OP was closer to the deceased person, the fact that she barely knew the guy absolves her of any obligation there. I can’t imagine why she’d feel the need to contact his family after all these years. And since it happened so long ago, all she’d be doing is reminding them of the pain that they’ve probably mostly moved on from by now.
I think it is obvious you’ve never lost someone close to you. You don’t forget. You won’t be “reminding” them. The only thing you could possibly do is let them know that another human being is concerned for them, and wants to express it.
FYI my daughter died 18 years ago, and there’s not been a day go by that I haven’t thought of her.
I hope that last post didn’t come off as harsh. By coincidence, today on Facebook a friend, whose 19-year-old daughter recently died after a several-year battle with cancer, posted a list entitled “A Bereaved Parent’s Holiday Wish List.” It was written for a website for parents of military children, but it applies to anyone who has lost a child. If you’d like to educate yourself on what it feels like to lose a child, and how you may help a parent who has, I offer this link so that you may read and understand.
