A quick guide

I wrote this just to joke around with a friend at work, so in the pirit of being mindless and pointless i’ll post it here…

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have a hard time getting back to sleep. Last night I did a little analysis in my mind to help. Seeing how this might help you if you’re ever in a monster movie situation I thought I’d spread the information, seeing how Halloween will be here shortly.

Which monster would you prefer to be chased by: (In other words which is easiest to get away from or destroy)

PROS: (in your favour)

  1. Zombies are slow. Stupidly slow. Most of us could outwalk a zombie after Ettalers (FYI: ettaler is a local german beer) with a Black Velvet chaser.
  2. Being little more than reanimated corpses, zombies don’t actually “think”. You can set the on fire and rather than try to douse it, they’ll continue chasing you until they burn up. (see number 1). So its not too hard to set a trap for a zombie. They won’t try to avoid it, oer think of a way past the pool of gasoline you put in their path. This may be a con if gas prices don’t go down though.
  3. Zombies are relatively easy to kill. If you shoot a zombie in the head, he’s toast, unlike other monsters who may not be allergic to regular bullets. Also, you can shoot a zombies kneecaps out to keep him from chasing you. That’s kind of a waste of bullets though. If you’re gonna shoot a zombie, shoot him in the head.
    **CONS: **
  4. Zombies run in packs. Usually theres at least ten of them chasing you at once. Also, if you have the bad luck to face “reinvented” zombies (i.e. a zombie that’s been in a zombie movie made after about 2001) they ain’t that slow anymore. Some of them can run. So you might want to hold off on the Ettalers.
  5. Anywhere near a cemetery is bad when zombies are on the loose. They’ll sprout like dandelions. Plus, most times your car won’t start when you try to get away. I don’t why that is. Cell phones also will mysteriously not get a signal when you call the police.
  6. Zombie heads are vulnerable to being shot, so don’t miss. You can chop a zombies legs off and they’ll still chase you by crawling. My advice. If you think you may be under zombie attack anytime soon, get thyself to a range and practice.
    NOTE: 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later monsters are not zombies, so they don’t count. They’re people with the Rage virus, which makes them craz, violent, homicidal maniacs, but they’re not zombies.
    PROS: **
    1. The monster isn’t really evil. So if you don’t chase him with pitchforks and torches he may not attack you at all.
    2. The monster kind of wants a friend. That’s a big plus. Sure, he might not be pleasant to look at but I’d have an Augustiner with him. He’d make a good pal to go clubbing with since you know you’d be the looker. “My 7 foot friend here with the bolts in his neck said we ain’t payin’ no cover charge, bub!”.
    3. He really isn’t very fast either, so if you do tick him off, you may be able to escape. He’s not agile or quick, but he is extremely hard to kill.
    ** CONS:

    1. Frank is really afraid of fire. It makes him freak out. So if you clubbing go to the non smoking section. One guy lighting a cigarette could mean a lot of property damage.
    2. Another con, that you can’t ignore is that he can break you in half like a piece of dry spaghetti. Its good to have strong friends, but you can’t afford to piss of Hulk like friends.
    3. Has a bad habit of returning even when he should be dead.
    1. If its not a full moon, you’re good.
    2. Werewolves take some time to transform. If you’re stupid enough to stand there and see a guy growing hair and fangs and NOT run, well, I can’t help ya.
    3. Werewolves are severly allergic to wolfsbane and silver. So they have two weaknesses right there.
    1. They’re like superstrong land sharks. They’ll eat anything, and they prefer meat. Also getting bitten and not being killed means YOU turn into a werewolf at the next full moon. That sucks.
    2. Can you outrun a wolf? I doubt it. A supernatural wolf like guy is even worse. Werewolves aren’t as stupid as wolves either. They seem to have a bit of human cunning even when in a mindless bloodlust.
    3. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a silver knife or silver bullets. I also don’t know what the hell wolfsbane is.

**PROS: **
**1.**Only come out at night. Tip: If you know where the vampire is during the day don’t try to hunt him down until the morning. Geez, so many idiots go to Dracula’s house AT NIGHT!
**2. *Vampires can’t come into your house unless you invite them. (Unless its an Anne Rice Vampire, but they’re wimps). So you can stand inside of your door and yell “Nanny nanny boo boo, Nosteratu’s full of Doo Doo!” at them.
3. Vampires have a lot of weaknesses. Silver, can’t cross running water, crosses or holy symbols, etc. I think even salt can kill or chase them away. And we all know garlic can. You can hide from Vampires at La grappa’s (a local Italian restaurant) and be relatively safe.
1. You might not know who is a vampire and who is not. That friend of yours that says he works at night so he’s sleeping during the day? Could be a vampire. They girl you know that says she sunburns too easily to come outside until 8 PM? Yeah, could be a vampire.
2. Being basically blood drinking, undead humans, Vampires are smart. At least zombies are mindless, Frankenstein’S monster is kinda dim
and werewolves are for the most part animals. Vampires can do stuff like drive if they have to. Can’t be good. Plus, they’re pretty strong so hitting one is a bad idea.
3. They can turn into bats. While that is kind of cool, have you ever tried to catch a bat? Plus bats freak many people out so make sure your friends aren’t the kind that’ll scream “it’ll get in my hair” and bail on you if you have to defeat a vampire. Oh, and bring holy water. They hate that.

1.You think Zombies are slow? The mummy makes the slowest zombie look like Jesse Owens.
2. The mummy is really, really, stupid.
**3. **The Mummy is easily set afire, being an old dried up guy in old dried up bandages.
1. Other than fire, I don’t think the Mummy has any other weaknesses. That’s bad.
2. Yeah,. He ain’t smart, but he’s smart enough to make sure you’re in a corner before he reveals himself so you can’t run from him. And he’s superstrong for a dead guy. That sucks unless you carry around a flame thrower.
3. If you look like the chick he was in love with in Ancient Egypt, you’re screwed.
4. You’d best hope he’s the old school Mummy coming after you. The new one for the new millennium has magic powers! Yeah, I called BS on the movie too, but I wouldn’t want to fight that guy.

GHOSTS (Haunted places, houses)

1. Usually can’t leave the area the haunt. So if the ghost is after you, you know, maybe you shouldn’t be spending the night in the old house where someone met a grisly end or camping near that old Indian Burial ground. (I can’t remember the movie, it was a cheap B-flick with Roy Schieder in it…anyway, the people in it died because they were too stupid to pack up their junk and just LEAVE the haunted house!)
2. Can be exorcised rather easily if you know a priest. The hard part is getting the priest to believe you.
3. Rarely physically harm someone. Ghosts usually scare you into hurting yourself.
4. Ghosts usually give you advice on how to not piss them off like saying “GET OUT!”.
** CONS:**
1. Some ghosts aren’t easy to exorcise. Read up on the Bell Witch.
2. Being ghosts, they like to scare the crud out of people. Depending on your health that’s pretty bad. One good boo on a stormy night and some of us may do a “Fred Sanford”.
3. They like to move stuff around. Are your car keys never where you put them? You’ve probably got a ghost. Hey, the money in my pants is never there the next day! I think I’ve got a ghost!..or a wife with a huge change jar…
*Frankenstein’s monster being dim depends. I’ve seen movies where the monster is quite intelligent.

Wonderful! I can’t wait until your next sleepless night to read your take on various space aliens.

Aliens are a bit harder. The only PRO that comes to mind is that at least in the movies they always have some mundane weakness that we, as mere earthlings can exploit easily.
1.We can disable their mothership with computer technology that, and lets face it, by default has to a thousand years behind theirs.
2. They’re allergic to viruses and stuff in our atmosphere (Ala War of the Worlds). Which kind of leads into the next one, since they’d have to really dumb aliens to not have thought of that.
3. They’re just dumb. Like in Battlefield Earth. Of course if you take that movie for its premise, humans are even dumber for letting those bozos take over.
4. They’re vulnerable to water. That never made sense to me since the freaking planet is covered with it! What would they want Earth for? A hyperspace bypass? Would you want to colonize a planet that is 3/4’s of stuff that kills you on contact?

My friend emailed me back to remind me that Vampires have other weaknesses that I didn’t mention…like the fact that they (in folklore at least) cannot resist counting objects. (thats the entire premise of the Count on Sesame Street). Throw a bag of rice in their path and they have to count every single piece. Add that to the other stuff and they’re pretty weak monsters. Seriously. I can make a cross out of stuff just lying around if I didn’t have one. 2 pencils and a paperclip and viola!

There are some pirate threads, you might point your perceptive powers to that. I guess it would end up in Great Debates if you made a pro/con monster list about Democrats and Republicans, same with a pro/con Male or Female list.