Tips on how to survive in a horror movie.

Cafe Society
1

(nods to Evil Overlord thread)

You are in a situation where there are slashers, flesh eating aliens, living computers, etc., and you want to survive.

What do you do?

If I am walking alone in the woods and suddenly hear all the crickets stop chirping, I wilL not stop to look around and try to figure out whats happening.

I will immediately start running.

Run my little ass off.

RUN LIKE A MOTHER-FUCKER!

If I am a teenager, I will NOT partake in any activity involving alcohol, sex, or drugs. I will be a good Christian soul and stay out of trouble.

I will have no qualms about shooting undead pets or children.

If I escape in a car, I will first check the back seat.

2

I’d pretty much give up. Because no matter how large the final explosion, or how thoroughly the fiend is staked, or how completely the Raid is sprayed on the insect horde, you know damned well that in the last scene you’ll see a twisted claw reaching out of the rubble, or a pair of red eyes and hollow laughter in the darkness, or one last insect crawling into a packing crate labeled “Teenville, USA”.

I’m thinking of calling this Finagle’s law of horror movie survival futility.

3

I will obtain weapons that are superior to those of the psycho-stalker-mutant-alien-monster-person-thing that’s trying to kill me.

Then, while being stalked, I will run into a room and hide behind the door and, when the PSMAMPT enters the room, I will then shoot/bash it in the back of the head. Twice.

Then I’ll burn its body and mix its ashes into mud using holy water. Then I’d stir the mud into some wet concrete and make a nice concrete block with it. Then I’d engrave crosses and other holy symbols into the block and toss the block into the deepest trench in the Pacific.

Then I’d go have lunch.

4

I will wear sensible shoes and not the cute high heels that will cause me to twist my ankle and be easy pickings for the creature/crazed killer chasing me.

5

I will find the alpha male amongst my group of friends and kill him my damn self, thus saving the rest of us from being offed one by one by whoever wants to make him pay.

My friends, being sensible people, will of course see this as a rational sacrifice for the greater good.

6

I will refuse to go anywhere in the house alone until the bastard’s dead. Then I will still refuse to go anywhere alone ever again. I will also refuse to sign on for the sequel.

7

I will fight the monster/killer right off the bat, however I WILL NOT make a heroic last stand to try and stop them.

Killer on the loose? Skip town for a while.

Super android looking for me to alter the future? I’ll change my last name to Chang and move to chinatown.

Book of the Dead? Burn it.

8

If I hear a noise, I’ll call for a buddy to help me invesitgate, or at least let him know that I have heard a noise, so if the killer gets me, at least my friends will be forewarned.

The stubborn refusal of movie badguy henchmen to call for backup, or at least alert central command of a potential intruder is astonishing.

Plus, I’ll put a really loud bell on any cat in the area. There’s no point wasting energy on false alarms, i.e.when the cat suddenly lunges out of a closet at you, typically just a few seconds before the killer lunges out of the other closet at you.

9

When you whomp the bad guy in the head with a frying pan/two-by-four/blunt object of your choice and he’s knocked out, don’t heave a sigh of relief and say “Oh well, that solves that problem!” Keep pounding. And then pound some more. When his face looks like ground round and his brains are running across the floor like oatmeal, you’re done.

10

I will ask the screenwriter to let me live.

11

As soon as I realize I’m in a horror movie, I’ll start killing everyone I encounter… if I’m the killer then I don’t have to worry about the killer.

12

Try to be alone in a room with the killer early on. Get him to say a clever line that can later be said to him during his death scene. Being that you were the only one around to hear it, then YOU must be the one to throw that line back in his face.

The other option is to just become the killer. This option will get you a severe beating but you will be resurrected just before the credits roll.

13

Hope like hell that your love interest/female counterpart is either Beverly Garland or Patricia Tallman.
Ranchoth
(Natasha Henstridge might, MIGHT do. But don’t bet your life on it)

14

Note to self - a torch does not constitute adequate firepower.

15

If I have any key suspicions, for example, the identity of the killer or the weakness of the monster, I will tell people about it. I will write this tidbit down and make a thousand copies and toss them all over town, so that in case I meet some horrible end, someone can find it and do something about it and we all won’t be doomed.

I will not investigate anything alone. If it’s a human monster we’re dealing with, I will keep an eye on my companion(s) at all times. On a similar note, my SO, kids and pets, if I have any, will never leave my sight.

I will not be a bitchy, whiny, clingy, self-centered slut, nor will I let myself be reduced to a screaming, helpless chick. They’re the kind of girls most people want to see get killed, and I want the audience to cheer me on.

I will be heavily armed and on guard at all times. I will also sleep as little as possible, and regard every bit of food and beverage with suspicion.

16

When I smack the evil thingy hard, and he/she/it/other/NA goes down hard, I will NOT, under any circumstances, approach and stare right over the thing, a perfect target for whatever weaponry my Nemesis may posses. Instead, I will continue blowing away at its limp form, then begin beating it wildly with a melee weapon until its pathetic body is so smeared out on the pavement the pizza delivery guys will think they spilled something.

Then I bring out the flamethrower.

17

If I find myself being chased by a car down the middle of a dark, wet suburban, I will dart quickly SIDEWAYS and run in between houses instead running down the middle of the street where I’ll be horribly crushed.

18

If I encounter a smouldering hole in the wood filled with some sort of goo, I will not stick my finger in it. Even if I did, I would not then stick my finger in my mouth.

If some large thing is bearing down on me, I would avoid stopping in my tracks, holding my hands up to my face, and yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”. I would just keep running.

If I got a note from a friend telling me to meet him at the old abandoned hotel, I would call him to confirm.

If the island is infested with zombies, I would avoid taking a shower.

If I heard about a film crew that disappeared in the wild while trying to make a documentary on cannibals, I’d avoid the tempatation to make a documentary about what happened to them.

I’d take two maps.

If my cat stops and stares in fear behind me, I’d just start running and look behind me later.

Hell, I would get rid of my cat altogether.

I would charge my cell phone, put new batteries in my flashlight, fill my car, lawnmower and chainsaw up with gas, grab a candy bar, reset my watch, refill my zippo and tie my shoes

If my keychain with the keys to the gas pump / front door / car is particularly bulky, I would sit down and remove all the useless keys that I don’t need anymore, like to my old car / parents house / mailbox.

I would keep several sheets of 5/8" plywood in the basement, no wait, in the livingroom, with a box or two of nails and a hammer.

If my basement has a dirtfloor, I would pour six inches of concrete over it before I move in.

I would avoid hanging decorative weapons around my house, such as swords, crossbows, battle axes or flamethrowers.

I would put the petri of blood on the counter before sticking a hot wire in it.

I would avoid going to see a movie where there are fewer than three people in the audience. And I’d definitely never go to an X-rated feature.

I’d take all the lids off my jars of acid.

I would promptly finish any remodeling projects I had started, and quickly take down those large sheets of plastic hanging from floor to ceiling. I’d then take the nail gun back to rental city.

19

I wouldn’t take that too far, though. The audience would love to see an annoying, preachy teen who’s spent the movie criticizing others for their sins get whacked.

20

I WILL NOT open the door.