1: If the weird person you’ve just met knows a lot about the super-natural happenings in your household, you just may want to listen to him.
2: If a stunning woman, completely out of your league has taken a sudden interest in you, do not trust her.
Any more?
Make sure everyone knows your name.
If you are a cop, never announce your impending retirement.
On the same note, if your name is “Guy,” you just may want to change your name.
If you are an ensign/private, do not volunteer to go on the dangerous mission.
If you’re an evil overlord, and you have an opportunity to kill your adversary simply and directly, say by shooting him at point-blank range while he’s defenseless, do it. Resist the urge to capture him unharmed and execute him more glamourously.
Don’t ever go to camp.
EVER.
The cat only brushes through, unreasonably startling you, once. After that singular episode, get out of yuor house.
Stay away from small towns in Maine.
ALWAYS lift off and nuke the entire sight from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
If a ship with a new form of space travel disappears for eight years then mysteriously appears in a decaying orbit around Neptune, don’t go onto the ship to discover what happened to the crew, just blow it up and head home.
If you find a frozen alien in the antartic, do not unthaw it, do not study it. Destroy the alien, blow up it’s ship and go back to play the computer in a game of chess (which is a cheating bitch).
If someone offers you the adventure of a lifetime, say “FUCK NO!” and go back to bed where it’s safe.
Sanscour
Make sure your the best looking guy or girl
If anyone says “it’s awful quiet around here” or anything that means the same thing, get the hell out immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Don’t walk backwards.
Don’t be Black. Aliens/Zombies don’t like black people.
Oh, don’t be silly. Aliens LOVE black people…for dinner!
If you’re someone’s archnemesis and you’ve just captured them, consider a strip-search. You can never be too careful.
And if you’re not the Evil Overlord, but are on his payroll, leave as soon as you can. If you are his “Second in Command”, or “Right-Hand Man”, there’s probably no hope for you: you’re a gonner as soon as something goes wrong. But if you’re a mere peon, you might be able to request a transfer before the hero shows up and the Evil Overlord sends all his minions into the meatgrinder.
Don’t be bald.
One review of Jurrasic Park 2 had the immortal line “He’s bald, and he’s gonna pay.”
Be the police captain. Your star detective will hate you, and you may or may not be dirty, but you’ll live.
Except in the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy.