-No matter how many rounds you’ve already discharged into someone, shoot them again before you roll them over.
-Kill the supporting male character you trust most before you find out they backstabbed you, because they’ll make sure you’re unarmed when they inform you you’ve been double-crossed.
This is obvious, but if you’re a Red Shirt on the NCC-1701, go on sick-call or hide in a Jefferies Tube if you’re assigned to an away mission with the Capt. , Spock, and any combination of Sulu, Chekov, Bones, or Scotty.
Because, big boy, you gonna die.
Oh, something reminded me of this …
If you’re on a deep space voyage to, say Jupiter, and the computer says the AE-35 unit has failed. Don’t go out to check it.
The first woman you associate with today will become your lover.
Don’t drive a car. Anything you hit will cause your vehicle to flip over and explode.
Stay far, far away from anything even vaguely supernatural… the moldy old book really DOES summon demons… the puzzle box really DOES open a portal to Hell… the old gypsy really CAN put a curse on you… whatever it is, DON’T MESS WITH IT!!
If you’re a teenager at camp, DO NOT HAVE SEX!
AIDS aint the only thing you need to worry about.
Be under 13 years old. Cute helps, but being prepubescent is usually good enough to survive most horror, comedy or action movies. Watch out, though: if you find yourself in anything that could get an Oscar nomination, your chances of dying go up dramatically.
You’re best bet, though, is to be a dog. Dogs can walk across lava, run through hails of bullets, survive car and plane crashes, evade tornados, and get shut up with the nastiest monsters in the universe and come out again without a scratch. At worst, you’ll end up with a single bandage wrapped around your paw and everyone will carry you around and think you’re adorable.
Note: if you are a human, standing next to a dog will not offer you any protection whatsoever. Not only will you be killed, nobody will give a damn about you, instead feeling sorry for the dog as he looks forlornly at your dead body. What they don’t see is that after the camera cuts away, the furry bastard will take your wallet and blow all your cash on hookers and snausages.
Avoid the guy with the German accent.
Caveat: When being a dog in a movie, don’t be a dog whose name is in the title or is otherwise the central character. Your chances of dying increase exponentially, as most dogcentric movies involve tearjerking death.
•Don’t go on the “Maiden Voyage” of any ship, aircraft, or any other vehicle. (Aka the “Never fly the ‘A’ model of anything.” rule.)
•Always listen to the scientist, unless he starts telling you not to use force against the monster that’s already acted violent—without reasonable provocation—itself.
•Never speak any variation of “It’s all right…it’s just a dud!”
•If you’re in a small squad of troops battling some heretofor unknown threat or monster, you’ll only live if you’re the “hero.” If you have no personality, you’re not the hero. If you’re funny, but only because of a single gag, you’re not the hero. If you’re funny because you’re an all-around goofy guy, you’re the comic relief character. Which only means that you’ll be the last to die, before the villain.
•Body armor only works if you can unbutton your shirt to look at it after being shot.
•Rich = evil.
Your pistol can shoot 47 rounds without being reloaded. Don’t set, aim and fire, instead flail your pistol in the air while you shoot.
Don’t worry about sleeping with any hot woman you meet. Condoms are not required as she will not have a disease or get pregnant. If by some unfortunate twist of fate she does get pregnant, do not worry as she is about to die without ever discovering the pregnancy. Do not be nervous about the encounter either, you will be a sexual stallion and she will orgasm, probably several times, probably with a great deal of noise.
If you are driving and someone starts chasing you, head the wrong way along a one way street. You will not hit anything but your pursuers will most likely hit a vehicle carrying enough explosives to liberate a small to medium sized nation.
Never go into the woods to make sure that sound you heard/thing you saw wasn’t a killer
If you do go, make sure you take lots of guns, instead of a flashlight
If you still go, listen out for suspense music. If it builds to much (or suddenly goes quiet), run for your life.
When you run, try to remember it is easy to run. DO NOT FALL OVER.
When confronted by a killer in a hockey mask, hit them repeatedly with whatever comes to hand. Do not stand there looking shocked/screaming until you are stabbed.
Do not turn your back on the supposedly dead killer until you have removed his head.
When you finally drop the maniac/monster/bad guy and you think he’s/it’s dead, cut off the head just to be sure.
At the very least, it’ll have a hard time trying to locate you without eyes, ears, or nose. And you can get away while it’s looking for its head.
Never stand with your back to the big picture window, especially in a well-lit room at night.
If the Bad Guy you’ve just told that you know about his Evil Scheme asks “Have You Told Anyone About This?” NEVER answer “No”. Tell him you’ve deposited a letter with a lawyer and have another in the mail.
Better yet, don’t tell him – go straight to trustable authorities.
And don’t forget to mail the letter, anyway.
If you are on a two seat bomber, fighter plane or space craft. try to be the pilot. Fatality rates are higher for the rear gunner than the pilot.
Whenever you meet a woman, IMMEDIATELY have sex with her. Even if she is the mother/wife/daughter/ of the Evil Overlord, once she has experienced the power of your loins she will reveal the Secret Passage/Secret Weapon/Secret Plans of the aforementioned E.O.
(The above statement is rendered null-and-void if you are starring in any feature being shown at the All-Male Cinema)
Never, ever, ever ask, “What could possibly go wrong now?”
If you’re captured by the bad guy, ask him to explain everything before killing you, that way you’ll have enough time to work the ropes loose, escape and kill him.
If you’re the bad guy, don’t explain yourself, just shoot your victims in the head straight away.