If you’ve just fallen in love with your costar and have had your first magic night together in bed, neither of you should go for a bike ride or short job. The one who leaves won’t be coming back.
Generally speaking, try to avoid living in movies with the words “Slumber party”, “Sorority”, or “Camp” in the title. While they may sound like fun, the odds that you would make it out alive are pretty low.
Always carry around a misc. sharp object for no reason. The corkscrew/bit of broken glass/razor blade that the camera makes special effort to show you pick up will almost definitely come in handy.
If someone yells “get down!”, don’t bother getting down. They’re getting ready to push you down, anyhow.
Don’t worry about taking the impossible head shot at the climax of the film. Everyone always manages to shoot over the hostage’s head, every time.
If you have to make a wild-assed guess when disarming a bomb, never go with your first impulse. Always cut the second wire.
Never wear high heels.
If you are in high school, go out with the dorky girl. Chances are that with a little work, she will be EXTREMELY hot.
Yeah, like if she removes her glasses. Dorky girls with glasses are like Superman disguised as Clark Kent.
Always turn the light on as soon as you enter a room.
If you’re being fired upon by one or more machine guns, be sure to hunch over slightly and make a few zigs and zags as you run across a wide open space. They can’t possibly hit you as long as you do that.
Women, if you meet a nice-looking man with whom you have a handful of things in common, you must fall into bed with him. He is your soulmate, and you will get married and have a happy, wonderful life together. Really you will.
If you’re going to be fired upon by one or more machine guns, make sure you are in a place where there are lots of places to hide behind. Back allies are a great place for this (parked cars, garbage cans, dumpsters, etc.) Not only will you remain safe, but with all the things the bullets can ricochet off of it will sound really cool.
Never, ever, ever say: “See, it’s safe!”
Don’t get shot or stabbed unless your character’s surprise return is going to be crucial to the twist ending. Anyone else who gets shot or stabbed dies instantly.
Remember that prophecies, predictions, and premonitions always come true. So if someone is having a psychic moment, listen to them!
Image and charisma are all you need to get by in this world. Morality, ethics and social redeeming value are outweighed by the smouldering look, keen fashion sense, properly antiauthoritarian attitude, and the smartass comeback.
Never make fun of the dorky/quiet/shy girl in high school. She has supernatural powers.
Never go to the prom, especially if you made fun of the dorky/quiet/shy girl.
Never have a Hallowe’en party on a train.
Never go swimmng in the ocean at night when you’ve been drinking.
Never be involved in any sort of experiments done on animals. The animal will always escape and kill nearly everyone.
Don’t put the gun and/or knife down, even though the danger seems to have passed.
If you get hurt, find The Hero, not a doctor. He can patch up injuries and extract bullets/pellets/Venusian Burrowing Death Leeches/shrapnel/arrows with improvised materials and without professional medical assistance. The only permanent effects will be Heroic Scars.
Women should not stand around screaming instead of helping the Hero when the Bad Guy or Monster attacks.
If you need to reload, move off camera or wait for the camera to pan away from you. You may instantly reload whenever you are off camera, even if you are using a muzzleloader.
If you are in a car and someone starts to shoot at it, jump out. The car will explode momentarily.
Whenever possible, use bandages that are torn from a woman’s clothes. They have 10 times the healing power of normal bandages.
If you are a man, take your shirt off, you will become harder to hit.
If you are a woman and are about to be captured by the Bad guys, open/pull up/take off your shirt. The Bad Guys have never seen boobs before; yours will distract them long enough for you to get away. This tactic may also be used to distract/lure the Bad Guys into an ambush.
Do not read aloud from the Ultimate Evil Tome of Really Really Bad Stuff. If must you do so anyway, do not record yourself.
If you see “GET OUT” written in blood, get out.
Don’t go into the basement without a gun, a flashlight, and similarly-equipped friends.
If you need silver ammunition in a hurry, raid a jewelry store for silver jewelry. Remove the shot from some shotgun shells. Cut the jewelry into pieces if needed, then load it into the shotgun shells. Remove the crimp, replace it with a small disc of cardboard held on with thin tape.
If a Rural Guy With A Shotgun accosts you and accuses you of trespassing, apologize and politely ask for directions back to town. Do not mouth off to him.
Remember that tracers work both ways.
If someone begins to behave bizarrely, disarm and restrain him. THEN attempt to determine whether or not he has been possessed, mind-controlled, or replaced with a clone/robot/shapechanger.
If you are driving a full-sized car, SUV, truck, or bus and are being chased by a sports car, do not try to outrun or outmaneuver it. You might try letting it get immediately behind you and then slam on the brakes. Exploit your vehicle’s superior mass and durability.
Remember that shooting a computer’s monitor or smashing its keyboard will not stop the computer itself.
Plainclothes and undercover police/feds do not have to be truthful when they are asked if they are police/feds.
If you know that the Monster or Crazed Killer is coming then look for(or make) weapons, gather supplies, prepare traps, and plan.
Don’t sneak away with your SO to fool around. Unpleasant Things always happen to couples that do so.
When the Monster or Crazed Killer comes, unite to fight instead of splitting up and running into the woods.
The Things I Will Do If I Am Ever The Hero
TTIWDIIAET Sidekick
TTIWDIIAET True Love
The Normal Innocent Bystander’s Survival Guide
If you and a group of friends are driving in the country or on the outskirts of town, do NOT stop to make out. Nothing good ever happens to teenagers who stop in the country or on the outskirts of town to make out.
If your child suddenly begins to speak Latin, or any other language they should not know, take them to a priest.
If super-natural things keep occuring, ignore that guy that says, “There must be a scientific reason for this.”
If during a drive in the country your car runs out of gas, even if you could swear it was full a couple of seconds ago, it’s best not to go to that creepy, abandoned looking house where lightning keeps striking.
If you are a bad guy ninja, and the hero has beaten twenty of your ninja friends single handedly, at the same time, what do you think you can do by yourself?
… and in the sprit of that classic movie, try to avoid graves. A shock capable of causing you to jump so high that you put a dent in the ceiling awaits you 
Nice to know I’m not the only one who has experienced this.
If you suddenly lose power at your house just leave. Immediately.
When your pet dies don’t bury it in the pet cemetary. If you do and it returns, kill it. Don’t get all mushy and think Fluffy came back because it loves you. It doesn’t. Shoot it in the head and chop it up into itty bitty pieces.
Get rid of your VCR so that when someone tries to get you to watch a videotape, you can beg off, saying “Sorry, I only watch DVDs.”
Make sure to stop right in the middle of the crisis to tell an attractive member of your group about some horrible, traumatic experience in your past… this significantly increases your odds of suvival… AND your chances of scoring.
I would have to recommend against being any form of police officer or security guard. Chances are that Neo and Trinity will show up and kill you. Sure, you might be a great person, have a nice family and give to charity, but you need to be killed for reasons you can’t comprehend. If you are forced into these professions and one day someone in a shiny black outfit or long leather coat is shooting at you and running along a wall, don’t call for back-up or try to shoot them, drop the gun and run away.