Everything I need to know, I learned at the movies..

We all know that the movies are not real life. But you can still learn some interesting things from the celluloid world. For example…

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight Involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hardworking policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

A corolary to this one : even if the megalomaniac does have you trapped in a complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, he will always stop to talk to you for at least 10 minutes before you’re scheduled to die, therefore giving you plenty of time to formulate an escape plan.

  1. Fat guys are either really funny, or very evil.

  2. If you are a teenage boy in love with a girl who doesn’t know you exist, she will fall for you eventually. However, if you happen to have a famale best friend, you will give up on the popular girl and discover your true feelings for your friend.

  3. Police chiefs always suspend the best cop in the precinct, who will then defy orders to solve the crime. Although suspended, this cop will have no trouble getting access to any evidence or witnesses necessary.

  4. The local police always hate the FBI, and resent any federal involvement in a case. The local department will always solve the crime, usually after the FBI has screwed up big-time.

  5. Even a small fender bender can cause an explosion that can be seen for miles.

  6. If you’re ever with a cop/superhero/any good guy, and they ask you to “Wait right here”–DON’T! You should follow him so you can surprise the bad guy and save the day.

  7. If you are ever in great peril, do not fear…Bruce Willis will save you.

The following URL provides excellent advice on what to do once you become an Evil Overlord.

http://crime.about.com/newsissues/crime/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.eviloverlord.com%2Flists%2Foverlord.html

Plenty of time to formulate the plan AND to find out all you need to know to defeat said megalomaniac!

You mean: this.

[sub]Now I must kill you[/sub]

There’s also this:
http://www.moviecliches.com

Good one, Dave mate!

27 Dried blood has a rich deep red colour, even up to a year after the killing

28 If you cough, even once only you are going to die very soon

29 Hotel rooms are only two types: either suites, decorated in Art Deco style, with statues and a foyer, or sparsely furnished with a neon sign right outside and no blinds (blink…blink…blink…)

30 You can easily get into a stanger’s hotel room by telling a lie to the maids who regularly patrol the halls with trolleys just the right size for hiding in

31 Casino Managers can make any roulette wheel stop just where they want

32 If a gun is fired, or someone dies in a crowded public place, there will not be a moment of surprised silence before a hubbub of activity . Instead two or three women will immediately scream and EVERYBODY will run, taking the longest and most confusing route possible to the exit. The running will sometimes continue for two or three minutes, as panicky people assess and then reject possible exits.

Redboss

Wierddave writes:

> Honest and hardworking policemen are usually gunned down
> a day or two before retirement.
>
> Police departments give their officers personality tests
> to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their
> total opposite.
>
> If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a
> world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs,
> hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
>
> During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit
> a strip club at least once.
>
> A police detective can only solve a case after he has
> been suspended from duty.
>
> Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
> their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses,
> deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all
> of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to
> escape.
>
> It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a
> fight Involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait
> patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a
> threatening manner until you have dispatched their
> predecessors.

Jeannie writes:

> 4) The local police always hate the FBI, and resent any
> federal involvement in a case. The local department will
> always solve the crime, usually after the FBI has screwed
> up big-time.

So . . . if you’re a week short of your 55th birthday, ready for your retirement, and you’re sitting with your wildly mismatched 22-year-old new partner just out of the police academy (actually, not necessarily blond, but he’ll be spectacularly good-looking) in a strip club working on what you think will be your final case, talking how you’re going to be spending your retirement fishing in some small town, you should know you’re in deep trouble.

Don’t waste your time trying to figure out how someone just out of the academy was immediately made a detective, something that in real life takes five years of experience as a uniformed officer. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out why a first-rate detective like you hasn’t made at least chief of detectives, if not police chief, at the end of your career. Despite your years of experience, despite the fact that you’re cautious and thoughtful unlike your wild and crazy partner, you’re about to walk into a trap and get killed. Despite your new partner’s lack of experience, despite the fact that the police chief will suspend him because he’s a loose cannon, despite the fact that the FBI won’t help him either, he will solve the case and immediately get the promotion you had to work ten years for. (Luckily all the minions of the villain will decide to attack him one at a time instead of all together.) As the megalomaniac villain attempts to kill him in an excruciatingly drawn-out climax, your partner is going to tell the villain (who speaks in an upper-class British accent, and how did you guys miss that cliche?) that he wants to kill him because of what he did to you. Ignore the fact that this makes no sense, since your partner knew you all of one day and obviously didn’t even like you. You know that within fifteen minutes your partner will kill him, not just by shooting him, but by throwing him off the roof of a high building and making some snide, clever comment as he does so. (Yeah, and ignore the fact that your air-headed partner was obviously cast for this movie more for the look of his hair than any brains under it and couldn’t really come up with a clever line if his life depended on it.)

Don’t waste your time thinking about this. Make the cliches work for you. Remember, Redboss wrote:

> 32 If a gun is fired, or someone dies in a crowded public
> place, there will not be a moment of surprised silence
> before a hubbub of activity . Instead two or three women
> will immediately scream and EVERYBODY will run, taking
> the longest and most confusing route possible to the
> exit. The running will sometimes continue for two or
> three minutes, as panicky people assess and then reject
> possible exits.

and Jeannie wrote:

> 1) Fat guys are either really funny, or very evil.

Look around the strip club for any fat guy who doesn’t seem to be laughing. He’s obviously the villain’s second-in-command. Shoot him. The strip club will break into a wild riot. In the confusion, pull out that unregistered pistol you have strapped to your ankle for a situation like this. Shoot your partner. You may need to shoot a few other random people in the club also. Then immediately go to the home of the chief villain and shoot him too. Tell your superiors you did it because he ordered the fat guy to kill your partner. They’ll believe it. Remember, all superiors are idiots in films like this. Then retire. Forget about that small town you were going to retire to. Move into a big loft in New York. You can afford it.

ROFLMAO! Wendell, you owe me a new keyboard! :smiley:

note to self: do not drink coffee while surfing SDMB

Thanks ThinkSnow.

Guns are most effective when you chamber a bullet in the presence of your adversary.

If a pregnant woman gets onto the elevator with you, the elevator will get stuck and she will go into labor.

**
A corrolary:
Everyone uses brown paper grocery bags. If someone drops their groceries, then there will lots of round fruit (apples and oranges) loose in the bag (no plastic produce bags) so the fruit will roll all over and trip someone.

**
Also: It is possible for one partner to light several dozen candles on a moment’s notice, so when the other one walks in unexpectedly, there is a nice romantic ambience.

Ammunition has no weight. You can carry a million rounds if you want, just keep on squeezing that trigger!

As a corolary, it’s always better to carry more guns than to carry reloads.

Visit The Movie Cliches list. These are all there, plus more.

End of thread.

Good-natured bullying is the best way to deal with authority figures. Police chiefs, mayors, even presidents may bluster a bit at first, but will ineluctably submit to your will when confronted with a self-righteous harangue.

English is universal. The Germans speak English, the Japanese speak English, the Ethiopians speak English, the ETs speak English. (i.e. movies like Amadeus or the recent Anne Frank movie). Even people who lived ages ago speak perfect 20th century English, like Jesus or King Arthur or even Shakespeare.

If a little child befriends an animal or an extra-terrestrial, the child will not be able to keep it. The animal is taken away or the ET goes home.

Forgot to mention:

Not only does every culture know perfect English, but they all have an American or English accent.

If two bestfriends try to set eachother up with someone they will promptly fall for eachother, and comedy will occour as they try to get out if this situation, but will all be resolved because the other two in this equation will find they prefer eachother’s company to that of the bestfriends, and it will all be happily ever after.

If you are in a horror flick and have light blond hair, you will die, unless you are Sarah Michelle (?) Gellar.

If Jenaffer love Hewette is in it someone will die or fall in love.

If you are a nerd, it’s ok, the popluar chick will fall inlove with you anyhow, if you endup helping her in some random way.

If you ever find that your boyfriend dumps you, make over some loser boy, turn him into a hottie, and when your boyfriend comes back to you promptly refuse him because you’re in love with your own creation, who has managed to maintain his own personality, and doesn’t hate you for making him change.

The killer is always the new guy, or the son of the former killer.

They don’t really speak other languages, they just speak english with accents.
-Morgain