So I think this thread has covered facts of life gleaned from Sci-fi. Now let’s discuss what we’ve learned from the related genre - horror.
The rural southwestern states are infested with inbred cannibal clans living in primitive state of squalor. In fact, cannibal killer clans are more numerous in Texas than Mormons in Utah.
Most suburban community police departments are staffed by a bitter, teen-hating sheriff and one or two dumb-as-rock deputies, none of whom have had any training in actual law-enforcement techniques such as, for instance, the concept of calling for back-up when entering into a dangerous situation.
When fleeing from a blade-wielding psychopath or hideous mutant, make sure to stay on foot and don’t even bother with your car - it will stall ALWAYS stall out.
Free advice to teenagers - don’t drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, use any illegal substance in any form, have sex, flirt, cuss, or demonstrate bad behavior in any way, or else a maniac will KILL YOU!
If a mystery person starts killing off your friends, it’s a safe bet that it’s connected to your own parents’ dark scandalous secret past.
Little girls dressed up in ‘babydoll’ clothes are EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!!!
All little boys have some form of ESP and are cognizant of restless spirits. When they whisper cryptic advice to you - listen up and heed them well.
When a maniac is running around town killing teenagers, it is simply useless to try to enforce a curfew. All the kids will sneak out and hold a rave in some locale conveniently close to where most of the killings took place. Despite the fact that all the kids in town show up to this party, adults - especially the police - will be oblivious to it until it’s far too late.
Ancient Native Americans practiced some freaky-ass burial / funeral customs because their burial grounds are always infested by badass, nasty demons.
That ominous freaky rattling noise coming from behind the cupboard door that’s freaking you out? It’s just a cat.
The words “I’ll be fine”, “Don’t worry about me.”, “Everything will be fine”, “We/you’re safe now”, and any variation thereof are a harbinger of death.
The protagonist’s love interest, if he/she does not turn out to be the killer, will invariably be slaughtered or severly wounded by the killer. (Usually slaughtered)
The killers in these flicks are immortal. No matter how many times you kill them they will keep returning over and over and over until they have become a ridiculous parody of themselves and their homicidal rampages become more comical than frightening.
If you happen to be a really nice guy, and have a friend who seems to be at the center of a lot of mysterious killings, do not go to help them, warn them, or rescue them. Call 'em on the phone if you must, but get the hell out of town as fast as you can.
Going to help / warn / rescue your friend will only get you killed - probably before your friend even sees you or knows you’re coming.
Large, old buildings, such as hotels and old “family” houses, are invariably haunted by something really pissed-off that will terrorize you and your family and then kill you, especially if they’re also “secluded”. Never take jobs at these locations, or buy them planning to “restore” them, or move into one if you inherited it. It’ll just get you killed.
Never steal a coffin from a man named Van Helsing.
Never read aloud from a book that appears to be covered in human flesh and/or written using some dark reddish-brown ink.
To expand upon what Art said–the first noise is the cat. The second noise is whatever is coming to kill you.
If your friend is bitten by a zombie, do both of you a favor and shoot him immediately. Do not wait for him to die and rise again because “he might be useful” before he turns.
Stay the hell away from Jamie Lee Curtis if you know what’s good for you.
The neighborhood crackpot/loon/alky isn’t the killer no matter how much he seems like he is. He may have some good advice on catching or avoiding the killer, though.
Homocidal maniac on the loose? “Let’s split up” is never good advice.
And for God’s sake, people, turn on the friggin’ lights when you walk into a room!
The Horror Film Herbal Dualism Principle: strange, offensively-smelling herbs are not to be worn around the neck (and especially if there’s a chance you might be pregnant), unless the herb is garlic and you have some reason to suspect local vampirism.
If your best buddy is willing to bare-knuckle fight you for twenty minutes if that’s what it takes to force you to try on a pair of cheap-ass sunglasses, maybe you should just try them on already.
Three things to steer clear of in a quaintly picturesque, isolated seaside village: 1) a local history in which a ruthless massacre was perpetrated by the villagers’ ancestors against, say, shipwreck victims; 2) a tightly cohesive local power bloc of area merchants and politicos, who care more about the almighty buck than, say, the public safety of beachgoers; 3) overt displays of pagan good cheer and religious festivities, especially when staged in anticipation of an upcoming May Day. (Trust me on this one. They may put forth a merry olde song-and-dance routine or two, but if you’re not one of them, you’re in danger…)
References: Rosemary’s Baby (& a zillion vampire flicks); They Live; and The Fog/Jaws/The Wicker Man.
One I just remembered - never, never, never go out of the house on any holiday, whether it be Halloween, Valentine’s Day or even April Fool’s Day. No holiday is complete without a psychotic axe murderer running around town randomly killing folks.
Ladies, if you are wearing high heels or are in your pajamas/night gown, sometime during the night you WILL be chased down a rain-slicked street by a lunatic in a car. Despite this knowledge, you will not be unable to run off to the side, thus avoiding a deadly squishing.
When you mock the ugly/weird/blind kid and accidentally chase him off a cliff, that’s rarely the end of it.
When some old Indian guy tells you not to disturb the resting spirits by trying to build your amusement park on the site of the Sioux massacre at the hands of the white man, he’s probably just drunk. Then again, why take the chance?
Ugly, pimply, fat teenage guys are just begging to be axed in the face, especially if they are obnoxious.
Handsome, obnoxious, jocky teenage guys are just begging to be fed to a meathook, especially if they have sex.
As mentioned above, under no circumstances should coeds have sex in a horror movie. Unless they’re snotty cheerleaders. Snotty cheerleaders might as well go ahead and get it while they can; they will probably be smacked in the head with a power saw, because as near as I can figure, horror movie scripts are written by ugly, pimply, fat, obnoxious teenage guys.
Also, stop running upstairs to avoid the killer. You’ll either leap out and hobble through the wilderness or be defenstrated. And yes, I really just wanted to write defenestrated. But really, don’t run upstairs people. I don’t know why this seems like a good idea.
When witnessing horrific disemboweling, do not shriek and stare. Silence & scurrying is a better option.
No matter how fast or slow you are, or how many times you fall over, the villian will always be roughly 4 seconds behind you.
I don’t remember the comedian who thought this one up, but it’s rather amusing…
if you’re being chased by an axe-murdering psycopath who kills teens for having sex, the best way to stop him is to have the most nubile, attractive woman in the movie have sex with the killer, he’ll have no choice but to kill himself…
The most obvious one: Mass murderers are never dead until you touch them or hover over them and they make one last attempt at killing you. Make certain to touch or hover, then finish the job.
If your goth friend gets laid and knows which wines go with what foods, it’s because he’s a vampire.
Vampires may or may not be able to withstand sunlight, depending on the lighting budget of the flick. If the vampire can’t stand sunlight, you’re in luck, because most vampires haven’t figured out the old let’s-brick-up-the-big-ass-tainted-window-in-our-secret-lair trick. Make sure you pack a stake and a brick in your vampire killing kit.
Avoid any location that happens to be located underneath a fog bank, in an isolated desert town, or Antarctica.
The best scientific discoveries usually want to kill you and take over your planet.
If your ultrasounds start showing a lot of extra parts, dark and unresolved areas, funny shapes, or otherwise fast-growing appendages, it’s time to consider an abortion. Otherwise the Seed of Satan will most likely have you running weird errands and buying strange groceries before it decides to eat you.
Whatever you decide to name it, opt against Damien.
And if there are a bunch of peculiar sounds coming from the next apartmant late at night, be sure your spouse is in bed. If not, get an abortion.
Invariably, the only one who knows what’s going on is some whacked-out unstable-looking character whom no one would trust with a Matchbox Car. When the old weirdo who wears hipboots 365 days a year and collects severed rats’ heads tells you not to shack up in that isolated cabin, he knows what he’s talking about.