Things I have learned from watching horror movies...

Cafe Society
21

The entire world is full of cupboards, closets, shelves, pantries, and any half-open area near or above head-level, with cats just ready to loudly leap out as soon as anyone is nearby.

Just because someone appears to be dead, doesn’t mean they are dead.

Women always fall down when being chased, and are so uncoordinated, it takes them seemingly forever to get back up again.

Always turn on a light when entering a dark room.

Children are usually prone to possess psychic powers.

The blind are usually destined to be tormented.

Don’t vacation on small islands, or at rural seaside towns, or at previously closed down summer camps.

Use maps and don’t wander randomly through forests.

Bring a spare tire in the car. And if the car breaks down, and it’s raining, just wait it out inside the car.

That house you passed back there on the road a while ago, is definitely not where you want to go for help.

Police in small towns will never believe your “story”, and you cannot wait for them to help you out because by then it will be too late.

If you find guns, there won’t be any ammo. But if do you find a gun with ammo, it will jam up.

Don’t leave steak knives just laying about.

Never accept an invitation to spend the night at a haunted house, no matter how great the potential reward.

22

Anyone who participates in a discussion like this and names a specific mistake victims make will invariably die of the same mistake (I call this the Scream Rule.)

23

The trick to that is to name multiple options, not two of which can happen at the same time. This causes a wrinkle in the fabric of the universe and allows one to fall through undetected.

24

If you have a friend who happens to be Black, stay far away from him, because he’s going to be one of the first ones to die.

25

Radiation causes insects and arachnids to grow to giant size. People, too, except when they shrink.

If someone says, “there are things man is not meant to know,” it’s probably a good idea to days, “You’re probably right. I’ll study something else instead.”

26

And if he happens to be wearing a red shirt, run far and run fast (this applies doubly in sci-fi horror films.)

27

If the writing is any more complicated than a Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrapper comic, you probably shouldn’t read it out loud. This is especially true if the words are in Latin, Arabic, or Sumerian.

If you’re dumb enough to read the hieroglyphics off the tomb wall out loud, you deserve whatever you get.

28

Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc. take it! If you don’t, the killer will, and sooner or later the weapon will be used! Better you use it then the killer.

Old mines are boarded up for a reason.

Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighbourhood.

If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, take the hint and leave the vicinity with it.

If you open a partially closed door, don’t be surprised if a corpse falls out.

If it tastes like chicken, don’t ask for seconds.

If zombies appear in your neighbourhood make sure your lawn-mower is full of gas…

29

Whatever the scientist with the weird sexual habits involving sadism is working on all in his lab all night, it’s probably not the latest breakthrough in dandruff control shampoo.

30

If your neighborhood has been hit with an unusual number of locusts, ants, bees, snakes, spiders, scorpions, crickets, rats, alligators, or hippopotomi, and you feel the urge to go out digging in the graveyard after midnight in a thunderstorm, please consider either taking someone else along or at least go armed with a working firearm.

If lightning strikes more than a few trees near your digging spot, weigh carefully the advantages to waiting until tomorrow to finish digging.

31

For some reason, simply fleeing the area is never an option. Most people feel it their duty to uncover the truth. And if they do try to get out of town, their car breaks down, the airport or roads are snowed in, or they impossibly find themselves back where they started.

32

Psychotic killers never use guns, opting instead for a trademark modus operandi which frequently involves either power tools or cumbersome but distinctive edged weapons. Bloodthirsty loonies, however, are strict respecters of intellectual property, and will never trespass on another killer’s trademark technique, despite the inconvenience involved in adopting ever more arcane and impractical gardening implements with which to wreak grisly havoc.

As a corollary, however, the Sheriff’s Department will never visit the local hardware store or gardening centre to attempt to track down the killer: “The Gardener, you say? The feller that killed all them kids with a line trimmer on Arbour Day? Funny you should mention him - we sold the last line trimmer in the store to a tall pale skinny guy in a long black coat last Thursday, just before the killings started. Still got his credit card details, if you want 'em.”

33

If you’re working the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, getting stoned and taunting the inmates is a bad idea.

Bringing your girlfriend along on the graveyard shift in the insane asylum is also a bad idea, even though it always gets her horny.

Young, nubile women should just avoid the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, even if they happen to be nuns.

If something goes wrong during the graveyard shift in the insane asylum, under no circumstances should you phone 9-1-1. Instead, break a window and scream at passerby’s for help. If they’re in the habit of walking around insane asylums at 2 in the morning, they’re probably used to dealing with emergency situations.

34

If you think you see eerie, glowing eyes in that old abandoned house, you did. No matter what your Doubting Thomas friends may tell you. It was not your imagination, move on.

35

Let that be a lesson to all the tall pale skinny guys in long black coats with an urge to kill … PAY CASH!

36

If the armed maniac survives six shots to the face and keeps coming, throwing the gun at him probably isn’t going to work either.

37

Nor will dry firing the weapon.

38

Don’t go into the creepy mansion with anyone less slutty than you. I’m talking to you too, fellas! :dubious:

39

And yet Superman would duck when one was thrown at him.

No screaming while the bus is in motion!

40

Never open any door only halfway, cuz when you close it again the murderer will be standing there with an axe, knife, or croquet mallet. Open it all the way to the wall to prevent this from happening.

Attics are right out. If you open an attic hatch, chances are you will be pulled up into it by unknown creepiness.

Kill all cats first. Cats will always jump out at you when least expected.