Rule 1. If I am stalking a group of teenagers, I will not start out by targeting the horny couple screwing in a parked van out in the woods; such can easily be picked off at my leisure. I will start with the spunky, smart virgin who might do some research or investigation and work out how to defeat me.
If I were in the movie, but not the slasher, anytime I managed to knock the slasher down, I wouldn’t run only to be attacked later. I would stomp that motherfucker with both feet until he was a bloody smear on the rug. And then I’d stomp him some more. Then I’d set him on fire.
I will remember that while I am invulnerable to bullets, machetes, flamethrowers, and pretty much anything designed ot be a weapon, those nasty impromptu bombs, traps, and melee weapons can kill instantly.
I would confine my slaughter to farm animals, and cook and eat the remains. Mmmm, remains.
I keep telling you, the only way to be safe is to nuke the entire site from orbit.
I guess, slice, dice and burn all the remains might be good enough.
Jim
If I were the slasher : First, I’d get a gun, at least as backup. This is the twenty first century.
Second, I’d get myself some body armor, asbestos longjohns and a helmet. So when someone uses those traps or fire weapons or the Sacred Silver Dagger of Eshkrigal or whatever on me I’ll just keep on coming.
I will not keep my Chamber of Horrors in a remote farmhouse or barn. True, that is well situated to keep screams out of earshot of the neighbors, but if every hundredth van full of lost travelers mysteriously vanishes in that vicinity, sooner or later questions will be asked and the countryside will be combed. I will keep my Chamber of Horrors someplace where neither screams nor disappearances will attract attention, e.g., the South Bronx.
My exercise regimen will include serious time on treadmills at running and jogging speed. Yes, a slow march towards my victims conveys a terrifying sense of implacability - but a brisk jog towards my victims should be almost as terrifying. It’ll be better cardio, and help avoid those pesky last-minute rescues.
If I have any kind of non-murder-related job or social life or public visibility, I will make a point of being garrulous; everybody knows it’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch.
I will deeply and carefully meditate on the proper role of free will in human moral actions, as well as the nature of absurdity, before committing any murders at the behest of a supernatural being speaking through my dog.
I would disguise myself as Ronald Reagan, kill hippies with an axe, and feed their body parts to a pig named George W.
[ul]
[li]Study the masters: There is a reason Jack the Ripper got away with it and Ed Gein did not. Well, multiple reasons, but the big one is that Jack targeted people nobody cared about. Therefore, killing pretty high school cheerleaders is not a way to increase my lifespan. Killing ugly geeks, on the other hand, will only be noticed if share prices start taking a hit.[/li][li]Never keep to a schedule: Everyone expects the killer to return ten, fifteen, and twenty years later. Thirteen years is also predictable. Who returns nineteen years later, and then eleven years after that? Be the cicada.[/li][li]Make up rules, and break them: Act like you can’t cross running water, then in a chase blaze across the bridge like it’s nothing. Feign a dislike of circus peanuts and then be just fine with a killing rampage in the circus peanut factory.[/li][li]Self-publish your tomes of eldritch lore and distribute them widely: Foolish mortals never have the sense to leave them alone, and it’s always nice when someone uses his own sanity to ring the dinner bell for you.[/li][li]Destroy all books that say how to defeat you: A no-brainer, but surprisingly hard to master.[/li][li]Franchise, franchise, franchise!: Does your cult-cum-feed-trough look a bit depleted? Take a hint from Reverend Wayne’s Pearly Gates and set up shop everywhere that will have you! 1-800-CTHUL-HU puts you in touch with our spiritual and menu adviser.[/li][/ul]
I will not kill the black kids first.
I will try to a zero impact carbon footprint. Just because I must kill teenagers does not mean I am not a friend to the environment. To that end I will use a hydrogen fuel cell chainsaw.
I will not call the babysitter to taunt her. Heck, if I could talk to girls on the phone I probably wouldn’t be a psycho-killer.
I will say to the mirror, You’re smart enough, you’re handsome enough and, gosh darn it, people fear you.
Jodi Foster will be impressed.
I just have to say that I love this. Can I make “be the cicada” my new mantra?
Of course. Achieve inner tranquility through the magic of small primes.
I’d do may dirty work in Russia, where random disappearences 20 years ago don’t become frat boy lore.
The funny and/or hot ones are easy pickings after awhile, but I will leave the chick riding shotgun alone.
A butcher’s yard or hell cube is too obvious. I’d make my base of operations a party balloon factory, nobodys affraid of clowns.
I’m going with the Home Lowe Depot style killer. Battery packs for cordless tools have become so long lasting and reliable I recomend a nice lightweight cordless circular saw. Even a recripocating saw for those tough to reach teenagers.
Lightweight compact and you don’t have to worry about stalling and jerking the rope over and over again on the chainsaw to get it started.
Ace is the place for the helpful slasher folks!
I’m imagining the bearded guy from “Tool Time” going on a murder rampage-cum-ad spot with all of those wonderful Benford tools, and I’m ashamed I watched enough “Tool Time” to think of it on my own.
Two words
Wood Chipper
:eek:
Run by solar panels