What I would do if I were a slice-'n'-dice film slasher

Don’t get enamored of my cleverness and be more aware of my limitations. Sure, I might be the smartest slasher to walk the face of the Earth, but I am only one smart slasher: Comparably, the police has access to a nearly infinite amount of resources and people.

To that end:

  1. Don’t send taunting notes. You’ll just piss them off and give them more incentive.
  2. Don’t leave “bizarre” clues. You might think you’re being clever by using 13th-century Catholic imagery next to your victims, but think about it: You’ve just told the police that you’re Catholic, dipshit.
  3. Work in a variety of states. Countries, if possible. Driving 10 miles away from home to do my work just won’t cut it in the age of Zillow and Google Earth.
  4. Don’t take my work home with me.
  5. Don’t forget rule 4.
  6. Myspace is not my friend. Corrolary: Don’t link to my marks on the Facebook page. DUH! You’d probably be best just ditching the computer altogether.
  7. Learn that memories are best. Videos and sound recordings might be nice learning tools to improve your craft, but to the rest of the world they’re nothing but damning (and pesky!) evidence.
  8. Always have a dead deer in the trunk/bed of your car/truck. That goes a long way towards explaining the blood. And the hatchets.

Alternately, use random kinds of bizarre clues. Catholic imagery for one, a lyric from some obscure Eastern European death metal band etched into skin for another, a dog’s squeaky toy for the next, nothing unusual about the next, etc. Make them think there’s no possible link.

If you use library books for hints about what to do next, don’t check them out. That anti-terrorist legislation where they track checked-out books might be used against you by a determined investigator. Better yet, go to a big bookstore and read the books on the spot; with a cup of coffee you’ll fit right in with everyone else who thinks those stores are coffeehouses with lots of nice reading material.

If my abilities, invulnerability, or anything else about my role in the story appears to be supernatural, before proceeding with my fun I will learn all I can about the supernatural agency in question, including any inherent weaknesses that such power carries. I will also keep in mind that any evil cult that appears to be helping me along at any point is as likely as not to vanish without comment in the sequels.

Jason peered through the eyeslit of his hockey mask, watching as Michael Meyers stripped off his shirt, hefted the axe, and began chopping at the body of the teenage co-ed they had stalked the night before. Jason licked his abcessed lips as the muscles bulged and rippled on Michael’s body, sweat glistening on his swarthy skin, the veins of his biceps pulsating, as the axe went chop-chop-chop, pounding a seductive rhythm which Jason secretly longed to pound inside of him…

Oh, you meant slashER film. Never mind. :cool:

I’d find a homeless or otherwise low-society (ideally a druggie) patsy to take the fall for each of the murders. I wouldn’t make it obvious, but maybe just his fingerprints on the hatchet, which is dumped miles away from where the homeless guy normally sleeps. Make the investigators work to figure out who the patsy is, so that they’ll be satisfied with catching him (hey it took hundreds of manpower hours). It’s a win-win, as they get to boost their indictment rate, and I get to slash again, somewhere far, far away.

I will re-examine any important decision at least twice before acting, keeping always in mind that I am almost certainly insane, therefore prone to errors in judgment. It is amazing, yet predictable, how many in our field of endeavor lose sight of this.

Before embarking upon my Great Work, I shall start an open-discussion thread on a relevant message board, in case the obsessive 'net-nerds might think of some precautionary rules that might have escaped even my fiendishly brilliant insight.

Mindful of the exceptionally high risks of human-to-human contagion, I shall consume no flesh of my victims unless it has been cleaned and immediately and thoroughly cooked. It is embarrassing to brilliantly elude the Special Night-Snatcher Task Force for six months only to die of food poisoning.

Unless my obsession with her or him happens to be the principal impetus of my career, I shall resist any temptation to fall in love with a potential victim, however attractive. It is unprofessional to allow work and social life to mix.

Despite a wealth of evidence plain to see in the genre, I will never operate on the assumption that officers of the law are clueless asstards.

:smiley: “I knew it was true love, when twelve bystanders died from the foreplay!”

To reiterate what others have said: don’t taunt – the police or your victims. Slashing is a job – do it and move on. Gentlemen slashers don’t complain and don’t explain.

Personally, I would stay away from power tools. Too hard to clean. I don’t think a chain saw would fit in my dishwasher.

Also, it’s important to remember that slashing needn’t always result in splashing. Blood, that is. Neatness counts.

I have to ask this… is the goal to be a successful slasher or a popular slasher? Because, frankly, my ideal slasher would make for a fairly dull movie character.

I recall a B&W comic-book story I once read. The main character is a balding middle-aged nebbish with an obsession with slasher films and (IIRC) a drug habit. When a teenage girl drops by his place on some sort of door-to-door collecting business, he excuses himself, then pops back into the living room wearing a leather hood-mask and wielding a roaring chainsaw. She screams – and defends herself with the coffee table, into which the chainsaw is embedded, and abruptly stops. As she flees, the frustrated slasher muses in astonishment, “Hm! This never happened to Leatherface!”

We’re trying to devise rules useful from the slasher’s POV – so it all depends on his particular motivations, but successful would probably be preferred. (OTOH, remember Freddy Kreuger’s publicity-seeking motivation in Freddy vs. Jason.)

If I’m one of those nigh-invincible undead slashers, I’m not going to bother attacking isolated teenagers at night, or tormenting people who’s story the authorities will never believe. No…I’m going to take creative advantage of my strengths. I’m going to attack crowds of civilians, in broad daylight, with plenty of cameras present. I’ll wade through Time Square cutting a swath of carnage before me while the authorities unload everything in the arsenal into my shuddering hulk without any effect, until they actually run out of ammunition. Entire continents will be gripped by the fear of me.

Happy Halloween!

Before we get too far along, I’d suggest that a good resource for some other basic precautions would be The Evil Overlord List . While my goals are not world domination, there are certain parallel interests. Not least are the shared concerns for the dangers presented by wise-cracking sidekicks, heroes, and law enforcement types.

I would remember that no matter how appealing any of my victims may be, unless I have some fool proof means to dispose of bodies there are good reasons to ensure that I leave no DNA samples with the corpse.

To that end, I will invest in a new look, too. I will shave my head, and make extensive use of dipilatory treatments to minimize the amount of trace evidence I leave in my wake. Of course, for some of us, that means getting Nair[sup]TM[/sup] in industrial quantities.

However, while working I will wear a wig and fake eyebrows, so if any witness spots me, the authorities won’t be looking for a bald and browless killer.

Ewwww - keep it under your leather apron there, man!

I dunno…the name escapes me but there was an 80’s flick where the guy was a cicada man. Oh, yeah…“The Beast Within”.

http://www.clownz.com/stories.html

Except for, you know, everybody.

Everyone knows clowns are evil. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. The FIRST thing the cops do when there’s an unexplained murder is round up the clowns and work them over until one of them talks.