Tips on how to survive in a horror movie.

Cafe Society
21

I will not be the cocky, annoying character who the whole audience wants to see get smeared all over the pavement (a la Jamie Kennedy in ‘Scream’ or Matthew Lillard in ‘13 Ghosts’).

I will not be the preachy goody-two-shoes who the audience also wants to see get whacked.

I will not be the studly boyfriend of the female lead; he’s always either the killer or the first one to eat a chainsaw.

I will not be the oddly endearing, extremely intelligent and cool (yet can’t seem to get a break) sidekick; you know things are going to end badly for him. (I’m thinking ‘Night of the Creeps’ here.)

I won’t have sex. You have sex in a horror movie, you’re gonna be stuck to a wall somewhere within ten minutes.

Come to think of it, there’s no male archetype in a horror movie who’s safe. I think I’m screwed.

22

I will chop off my right hand and replace it with a chainsaw. Then I’ll pick up a shotgun in my left and say “Good? Bad? … I’m the guy with the gun”. I figure that as long as my supply of one liners doesn’t run out, there’s no beastie that can kill me.

23

As truly seems to be Ash’s case.
If I walked in to a room/house/space ship/cube/breadbox/etc., and everyone there was going mad/being eaten/getting slaughtered/etc. I would nod, quietly lock the door, and leave for a safe location until the protagonist wins the day.

24

If I receive a phone call from someone who states that they want to see what my insides look like, or threaten to kill my friend on the patio, I will immediately hang up and dial 911 as they have access to a SWAT team and I do not.

25

If you can’t find your friend, don’t wander around yelling “Tommy!”, they are already dead and you are just giving the killer a beacon to home right in on you.

If the lights don’t work and you have to use a candle/torch/flashlight to find your way around, then just stay put. Build a huge bonfire and stay within sight of it at all time. If you must go somewhere using flashlights or candles, a minimum of 20 heavily armed people should go.

26

A bonfire? Are you crazy? That’s just begging to become the main course in an evil luau.

I’d just say, “I do beg your pardon, is this room 3B?” Then turn and run so fast I’d leave an afterimage. As Rincewind said, it’s not a question of where you run to, just run.

Then, if all else failed I’d try the “I work for Mel Brooks” escape clause.

27

Most important safety device:
Get your agent to sign you up for part II of the schlock movie.

then you can go out in the garage alone to see what is making the noise;
you walk backwards down a hallway;
you can get in the shower and close the curtain
and you can even run out of gas on a lonely road in the rain.

28

Being a camp counsellor? That’s OUT! I’d rather earn a few summer bucks by flipping burgers in a major fast food chain. Movie murderers never go to McDondald’s. They always strike at knockoff chains like “BurgerHouse” and “Burgerama”.

29

If I heard a noise and went to investigate, for the love of baby Jesus on a tricycle, I would turn on the freaking LIGHT.

Find a book in Latin? Burn it. Even if it’s a high school text book, it still might raise the dead.

And no showing my sweater kittens.

30

I would listen very carefully to 2 things at all times

#1- The background music. When you hear “Ha…ch…ch…ch” or shrieking violins you know trouble’s a comin’

#2-The audience-If I can hear a bunch of people yelling “Don’t go in there!” I won’t

31

Geez, Audrey, that’s me everyday!

32

Question:

Has anybody tried attacking the slasher by whipping him with a leather belt? Maybe he’ll remember how Momma treated him as a little boy and get really passive.

33

I will never reach down and take the bad guy’s pulse after I knock him out. Not unless I’m doing so with a blow torch. He’s never dead, I know that, so why check?

If someone I don’t know well invites me to go somewhere, I will be busy. Especially if they want to break into an abandoned house/cave/lab.

I will always carry a gun with silver bullets. Chances are I won’t meet a werwolf (or vampire a la “Blade” or the Anita Blake books) but bullets are pretty effective against humans too.

I’ll have the sudden urge to join the convent. I know if I have a boyfriend and a friend has one too, mine will probably be the killer, or will be killed, or I will be killed. There is only one couple alive at the end of horror movies, and I’m not that cute.

34

I will listen, learn, and inwardly digest everything the mathemetician on the helicopter has to say about Chaos Theory.

I will stick to the part of the group that has the two kids in it.

I will close the beach on the holiday weekend.

If attacked by a giant shrew, I will yank on its zipper.

Odd noises on submarines are always giant squids. Surface now while you still can.

I will stay out of air ducts.

If I find the cast off skin of a growing alien, I will not hunker down over it, lifting it with my pen into better light. That shadow is the alien.

If I work aboard a run-down spaceship or in an asteroid mining colony, I will familiarize myself with the equipment so that when I pass through large, dark, high-ceilinged spaces searching for the alien, I will recognize new objects hanging from the overhead as the aliens that they are.

I will not open the valve on the barrel with the corpse in it.

I will not park my helicopter on top of the mall.

I will avoid the continent where Dr. Lecter is living.

35

Oh. In that case, I’d make friends with you, as you’re the most likely to survive.
I will not treat the psychotic inmate as my own personal moneymaking plaything.

If some big-time f-up crap starts happening in town, I will consider every possible explanation. I won’t dismiss any theory just because it sounds stupid.

36

If I’m at a lake and find out Betty White lives nearby, I’ll pack up and go to a different lake.

I’d do the same if it was Bea Arthur. Just because, that’s why!

37

If your best friend suddenly appears and has that glassy look in his eye, blast away.

38

If I’ve been working out in the nude, and a big, scary, horny alien comes shuffling slowly toward me, I will not stand there facing it and scream until it grabs me, throws me down on the floor and forcibly impregnates me.

If I’m in the basement checking the breaker box, and a big, scary, horny alien comes shuffling slowly toward me, I will not sthand there facing it and scream until it grabs me, throws me down on the floor and forcibly impregnates me.

And if I have just escaped from a spaceship where all of my crewmates and my robot have been killed by a big ugly scary alien, I will not go back looking for my cat. Especially if I have nothing on but my Fruit of the Looms.

39

Under no circumstances separate after you agree not to do so.

Don’t go investigate sounds when you know there’s a psycho running around the house. What do you think you’ll find, a burglar?

Stay away from the cute blonde.

Stay away from the girl with the big rack.

Don’t even acknowledge the presence of a cute blonde with a big rack.

Make friends with the mousey, brainy brunette. You have a chance, and at least, you’ll make it through half the movie.

Don’t go in the basement. There’s nothing there you need.

Don’t enter any room when the lights don’t work.

If you have to yell “Is anybody there”?.. There is.

Don’t try to get to town by running through the woods at midnight. If the psycho doesn’t get you, the bears will.

Button up your disco shirt. Gold chains, chest hair and a lady-slaying sneer only gets you mutilated.

If one of your friends is black, listen to him. He’s the only one with common sense that is going to actually have an idea that will save you, but is always ignored.

Sex, as mentioned, is out of the question. If all you can think of when a madman is trying to carve out your heart is getting it on with the cute blonde with the big rack, you probably have your disco shirt on and gold chains tangled in your chest hair and deserve to die a gruesome death while sneering though.

Don’t go take a bath. Its cool to look relaxed, sexy and hygienic and shit, but you are going to die by invisible hands drowning you as the water turns to blood.

If you find yourself surrounded by giant bugs, rats, aliens, or other nasty things, just stab yourself in the neck with a pencil. It will be much better than being eaten alive.

40

Resist the urge to place clowns, cymbal playing monkeys or ventriloquist dummies around the house.

Cut down all trees near your house.

Buy a generator and keep a flashlight and cell phone with you at all times.

Do not walk around barefoot, because you will step on a dead rat, and while you are grossing out, something much bigger will get you.

Never, ever, take a job at an out-of -the-way hotel.

If you are told NOT to go into room 216, Don’t go in there!

Pay close attention to what the local crazy person is saying.

If you find a big black book, with what looks like demon symbols on it, do not read the contents of said book aloud.