If strange things start happening around the house put it on the market, gather the children, call your mother to tell her your coming and vacate the premises immediately. Under no circumstances delay until a menacing disembodied voice instructs you to ‘get out’.
Do not accept invitations to dinner from people who live in large, old creepy houses or castles. Instead, tell them your parents are coming to town that night, politely decline and suggest that they invite the attractive couple across the street.
Go to the bathroom before all your scenes. Bad things happen in toilets.
Treat curious objects with strange inscriptions as museum pieces. It may help to imagine a prominent sign saying ’Do Not Touch’ nearby.
Never, ever, ever go anywhere near large movable objects that swing, cut, slash, stomp, crush, etc. This is critical to remember when said object appears not to be functioning correctly. If you have a close shave with said object early in the movie, someone is toast. Don’t let it be you.
Do not be tempted to pass off weird shadows, lack of reflections or eerie glows as tricks of the light. Especially in toilets.
If you absolutely must inspect a door that is mysteriously open/closed/ajar when it shouldn’t be, fire several rounds from a 12-gauge shotgun through the doorway before entering the room. At worst, you’ll be in need of a new cat.
Horror movie villains are generally too stupid to understand how to operate firearms, or too psychotic to want to use them. You shouldn’t be.
Avoid vacationing in places in which there is only one one way into/out of the area (such as a bridge, ferry, or helicopter), especially if bad weather is expected.
Do not vacation in towns where the population is listed on a chalkboard.
Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock. Axe beats blanket, chainsaw beats shower curtain, icepick beats pillow, and bowie knife beats quivering hands held in front of face.
Never stop to read messages scrawled in fresh blood. They won’t tell you anything that’s worth the time it takes to read it.
While at summer camp, it’s generally a good idea to avoid the following locations after dark: the lake, the woodcarving hut, the maintenance shed, the archery range, the kitchen of the mess hall, and any buildings in which people have died under tragic circumstances.
Contacting the police in horror movies is a dicey proposition, particularly in rural areas. There is approximately a 60% chance that they won’t believe you or will be otherwise unwilling/unable to send somebody to the scene. There is approximately a 25% chance that the officers dispatched will promptly killed by the villain to pad the film’s body count. There is a 14% chance that they will arrive too late to be of any use. There is only a 1% chance that they will arrive in a timely fashion and provide useful assistance in dealing with the villain.
When in doubt, running is good, investigating is bad.
If I am being chased to my car by the monster/alien/psycho with a chainsaw/big baddie, under no circumstances will I take the time to frantically roll up the windows and lock the doors as the monster/alien/psycho with a chainsaw/big baddie rapidly approaches.
Instead, I will start up the car and get the hell out of there, hopefully running over the bad guy in the process.
And if I DO manage to get away safely, I will NOT glance into the rearview mirror.
And if I am stumbling around lost in the woods, I will NOT be filming my “documentary” as I run from unseen scary things. I will throw the camera down and run. I certainly will not take the time to film an extreme close-up of my crying face with snot dripping from my nose.
Obviously, you’ve never seen Cherry Falls, where these people are the slashers intended victims. Kinda throws that plan out the window.
And I may have just missed it, but I’m suprised no one’s mentioned one of the largest things to do in order to survive a horror movie (now, don’t hate me for this, but it’s true):
Don’t be black!
They’re always the first to go (Scream 2), or even if they manage to make it out of the horrors of the pitt, or whatever, they’re picked off right before the white guy can finally kill it ([BLeviathan**), or left in a situation where they’re either going to die (The Thing), or die anyway (Night of the Living Dead).
And people say they’ve reached equality in the media.
It isn’t just sex; do not show any skin that isn’t appropriate for Nickelodeon’s afternoon lineup. Shower in a sweater and jeans, if you have to.
Also, if you’re boyfirend runs out of gas on a dark, deserted country road, and goes to fill the gas can at the service station 10 miles back, remember two things:
He’s going to die do not go looking for him
DO NOT take off your clothes and go for a stroll in the woods. Nothing good can come of this. (BTW, if anyone can ID the movie where this happened, I would appreciate it. It was mid-80s, and the girl in question was impregnated by some fiendish monster, which resembled a praying mantis).
On the one hand, the killer will be able to see you from a few hundred yards away, depending on how bright your flashlight is. Furthermore, it ruins your night vision.
On the other hand, you’re that much more likely to spot the killer who is hiding right behind that tree.
Of course by the time you see him it’s probably too late anyway and your ruined night vision will have you tripping over every root in the forest anyway…
[list=1]
[li]Never, never, NEVER take up the profession of grave robber. Consider stealing dogs, instead.[/li][li]If you do become a grave robber, in defiance of custom, decency, common sense, & any smidgen of understanding of the principle of “self preservation”,** do not** rob the fancy tomb of the Count or alleged werewolf. There are plenty of others.[/li][li]If you do rob the tomb of the Count, DON’T PULL OUT THE STAKE!!! :eek:[/li][li]If your partner, the silly git, does, in fact, pull out the stake, push him headfirst into the coffin, & then run like hell. It’s all his own fault, & anyway, better him than you.[/li][li]Archaeologists take note: as far as the Mummy is concerned, you are a grave robber. Period. They don’t buy the “it’s all for Science” schtick. Luckily for you, Mummies are slow. Strap on your Nikes, & show Amon-Ra a clean pair o’ heels, & a receding cloud of dust on the horizon.[/li][li]In closing, Black Lagoons are never a good idea. Next year, go to Bermuda, instead. :)[/li][/list=1]
Leave the guns at home, kids. Heavily armed folks die faster than black folks having sex in horror movies. Cops, soldiers, hunters, gang members, armed citizens, all of’em die first when the Bad Stuff happens…
Example: Jesse Ventura in Predator…Everyone was well armed in this movie, but only one carried a mini-gun. He died before he got a shot off…
And whatever you do, don’t go toe-to-toe with the bad guy. You won’t win. I don’t care if you 16 Golden Globes while part of the USMC Hand-to-Hand Anihillation Unit and studying under the finest Anime sensei…you will not win.
Unless, of course, you are in the heroine in the last scene, then neither of these apply…
Psycho Killers always have to have some interaction with their victims before they kill them-
Thinking the killer is somebody else and talking to them
Running away
Screaming
Witty repartee
Etc
So when the killer shows up, have no reaction whatsoever.
It worked in Hellraiser2 and Dr Giggles
Do not play with mysterious puzzle boxes. Do not hang out with catatonic people who play with mysterious puzzle boxes. Do not be related to people who play with mysterious puzzle boxes.
Do not crossbreed fire-spitting insects with common beetles native to your area.
Do not go in the basemt if the lights have gone. Actually, just do not go in the basement, period. Or the attic. Basements and attics are bad places.
Do not borrow a yellow leather jacket from someone named Buffy who has borrowed the jacket from a third party.
Do not pick up hitchhikers played by Rutger Hauer.
If you have just moved into an apartenment building full of Satan worshippers, this is probably not the time to start a family.
Why the “Sorry”? You just explained my point. Now, if the character had been white, he would have gotten away when the black character came to his rescue and got killed instead. Maybe you’re just pointing out that they don’t always go at the beginning or the end. Either way, if you ain’t white, you’re just screwed.
There are :: directions, folks. Remember that in addition to the cardinal points, there’s above and below.
Never try to perform an exorcism alone. Never try to bless the Incredibly Haunted House, even if you’re with someone.
When religious people projectile vomit within five seconds of being in your house, it’s time to move.
Whatever is outside can just wait until daytime to be investigated. Screw checking things out at night. Especially screw checking things out on a really foggy night.
If you’re the school geek and all of a sudden the head cheerleader wants to have mind-blowing sex with you, she’s probably possessed. Don’t do it.
When someone tells you not to go to sleep, do not lie down on your comfy bed with headphones on.
If you discover you bear a striking resemblance to the local mass murderer, go to a plastic surgeon immediately.
: directions, folks. Remember that in addition to the cardinal points, there’s above and below.