A RESPONSE to the multi-posted British retraction of independence

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I really hope no one has posted this yet…

A Response
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, we welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o, chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3 percent of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a “backwards step” by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

  1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminum” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “aluminum” (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminium” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We’d also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American Civil War veteran named Dr. William Charles Minor.

  2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

  3. Review your basic arithmetic (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15).

  4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Trainspotting, and The Full Monty. We’ve also heard good things about this Billy Elliot. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you’re doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

  5. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that “Rule Britannia” ditty, it’s toe-tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle In the Wind” again for you guys.

  6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men’s soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident. Hey, we’ve got more soccer moms, too.

  7. Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt ‘n’ vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there’s a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans and warm beer. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren’t the spawn of Satan they’ll teach you how to cook.

  8. You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.

  9. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for Teletubbies.

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. Regarding WW2: You’re welcome.

2

could’ve said it better, even if I tried real hard. Thanks man.

3

I’m not going to try to take issue with any of this…the original email was shit and not funny anyway. However, fair’s fair…

You can hardly blame us for not beating the USA, nor winning a competition which, to my knowledge, we didn’t (and couldn’t) enter.

4

Revocation Reply
As I am sure you are aware, it is not considered a good idea to shoot across our bow unless you are prepared for the ramifications. Thus I take issue with several of your comments.

First, I fail to understand how you would enforce the revocation of our independence. You guys couldn’t effectively quash a rebellion in the Falklands let alone a great country like ours. In fact, were we not so heavily involved in the various peace keeping efforts for the UN I could make one phone call and we could take that little drab piece of real estate you call your country and seize control of it over lunch with minimal resistance. So before you cast another stone, why not first figure out how to beat up on a few Irish rebels before you pick a fight with someone who is bigger than you.

Second, while we are having some consternation over who will be our next leader, at least we ascribe to fair and equitable principles when performing elections. Though you consider yourself a mature nation we do not jump to remove a head of state just because some portion of the population has a brain fart and loses confidence in them. And just out of curiousity, what does the Prime Minister do and why would they need around-the-clock protection?

Third, and this is a stern reminder, had we not bailed your ass out in WWII you would be sending us this little diatribe in your native German language.

Fourth, I think it is well past time you got over the tea thing. If we send you a few cases to make up for it will you climb back into your proper little prims and finally have a rest.

Fifth, as to your mention of Tony Blair and that “other country”, they at least show us the respect we are due. Besides, like you, they are still bantering about with the French, who continously get in their way. Or as we Yanks say, “Canada is the place where they started a country and nobody showed up”.

Sixth, our government actually elects people. We do not have a bunch of overstuffed legacy wealthy families who feel this divine entitlement to serve the government so that they can spend time debating nonsensical issues with other nepotistic individuals. And we are much more clever here in that we don’t just dub someone Sir or Earl and then know that that will appease them and they will go away.

Seventh, call it tradition as much as you want, but none of our leaders go anywhere in public wearing a skirt. Don’t think for a second that we aren’t laughing our asses off every time we see the prince prouncing about like some teenage school girl. Don’t even get me started on this whole Queen mother nonsense, a legacy coverup for living off of the common folk, referred to in the US as a welfare dependent.

As to your rules:

1 and 2. Get over the speech impediment thing. In fact, perhaps you need to look into the dictionary as you will find many things including the proper use of the letter “Z”. Were you even aware that there are 26 letters? Nor do we feel the need to use overly complicated words to converse, though we shouldn’t be surprised as it seems that nobody there has anything to do anyway. And do you think the word bullocks has any intimidation associated with it at all. Oh, and before you rant on and on about our so-called slurred speech, try and have a conversation with a Cockney gent and come away with an impression other than a rambling idiot.

  1. This is actually simple as you say. The Kiwis make sense and well we are just being cordial to you. Oh, how many medals did you win in the Olympics? Perhaps tea drinking should be introduced to give you a chance.

  2. And when was the last time that anything in the media on your side showed us in a positive light? How about changing the historical texts to reflect the truth about the revolution (we won by the way) instead of referring to is as “a small misunderstanding with a country that wasn’t worth the bother”. We consider the best film example of your countries military might to be Monty Python and the Holy Grail - who needs armored personnel carriers when you’ve got coconuts.

  3. Isn’t the real title “God Save The Queen Because No one Else Could Care Less”.

  4. Last time I checked more than 2.15% of the fans attend a sporting event without starting a riot and crushing their fellow fans. Why not try a sport where one does not need to leave your hands free for wanking. Soccer (its proper name, or haven’t you seen a dictionary latetly) is just so riveting, especially when 22 people run around for an hour and a half and never actually score a goal. How thoroughly exciting! There’s more action in the stands. Rugby I agree is a tough sport but after you keep getting physically abused at some point you consider wearing a form of protection. Lucky for you we have invented both plastic and teflon though teflon would not be worth the bother if you are going to be shot at with rubber bullets.

  5. Maybe its time you guys stepped up to the plate and stop this reliance upon us to bail you out every time there is a disagreement. If you can’t beat a couple of frogs you’ve got bigger problems to solve. Besides, you are just upset because their food is so much better than yours.

  6. At least everyone knows when to vote. It’s not some silly moving target based upon the non-confidence of the people. If you are considering holidays why not also add “The Day We Gave Up Hong Kong”, “The Day We Got Kicked Out of India”, or make it one day and call it “Eviction Day”.

  7. Shall we first discuss who has bought Rolls Royce, BMW, and the like? Then talk about which side of the road one should drive on and where the steering wheel belongs?

  8. We would have, but then MI5 and MI6 would have blurted it out to everyone else. Nothing like a group of security folks who are well subsidized (notice the use of the letter “z”) by foreign countries. Tell you what, you make a queens guard smile just once, and maybe we’ll tell you.

Just a few more things for your consideration:

a) it is not considered normal for it to rain 364 days a year
b) if police referred to themselves as bobbies criminals would just laugh at us - and no guns - that’s a really funny one too…
c) you should get out once in a while because your food sucks
d) warm beer also sucks
e) next time you have a few moments why not sit down with an Atlas and count how many countries have kicked you out
f) with respect to “e” above, those Carribean countries that you still claim sovereignty over are not worth bragging about - in fact, most of them have asked us to kick you out but we have been too busy elsewhere
g) that Eurodollar was just such a smashing success
h) maybe if you didn’t waste two hours every day sipping tea and eating dust-based pastries you would have a productive economy - funny how you took sawdust and made it into scones and we took it and made it into plywood
i) stop with the phoney accents, it’s enough already, you are not fooling anyone

So in closing I will say that we are willing to almost consider you as equals due to your affiliations with BRCo as long as you retract your previous e-mail and fully disclose and admit your errant ways.

And sleep well tonight, we’ve still got your ass covered.

5

ROFL! Loved this one. I think you really have to be under two to like them.

6

Or drunk.

But just for the record, in case its not clear, I did NOT write the OP. I found it on the internet. Fairly public domain, so I hope its ok.

7

Uhhh…why would the Brits care who bought BMW? BMW’s German. (Bavarian Motor Works)

8

You forgot to point out that there was no “United Kingdom” team at Euro 2000, either.

9

I just find it funny that the OOP (Original Original Post?) talked of revoking our independence as if it were something granted. Nope, we (and our dear Froggish allies) beat 'em, fair and square. Twice.

10

Well said. It must be pointed out, though, in all fairness, that the UK doesn’t enter a soccer team into the Olympics for traditional reasons (that are too complicated to state here).

Oh, and you guys (England)SUCKED at Euro 2000.

The Olympics were great for the USA, both Men and Women. Good showing by both.

Seriously. How could someone on these boards be so ignorant. Reading that was my first good laugh of the day.

Chris Sousa
GO QUAKES!
http://www.bigsoccer.com

11

Maybe I’m being too serious about this but taking the piss out of the Hillsborough disaster is just below the belt.

12

The first one (posted by connor) was quite enjoyable, but I get the feeling that the author of the second one (posted by SterlingNorth) has had their sense of humour surgically removed at some time in the not-too distant past. It wasn’t funny, just bitter.