A smidge TMI: how does one ask this delicate safe(r) sex question?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So we all know that in this modrun world, it’s only sensible to inquire of a potential sexual partner, “I realize that this is a bit of a prying question and I don’t mean to insult you, but, uh, is there anything relevant you need to tell me about your sexual history and medical conditions/assorted diseases before we do the nasty (with protection!)?” All the while bearing in mind that they might be lying through their eyeteeth if they’re so inclined…ugh.

Only thing is that a lot of people simply don’t ask this question just because it is so terribly awkward.

So tell me, oh wise and savvy Doperfolk, how best to phrase this question and at what point in your acquaintance might it be safely introduced? Surely not before you’ve even snogged, but also not 3.5 seconds before the moment of coitus. It requires enormous amounts of tact and delicacy to ask without causing offense, and everyone knows that Dopers are the most delicate and tactful people in the universe. :wink: How best to do it?

2

I’m not sure I understand. You’re going to be using protection regardless, so are you really trying to ask “What condom-proof germage might you be carrying, sugarbuns?”

3

Honestly, I don’t ask.

I keep any eye out for sores or other obvious signs, and use a condom. But then, I generally only end up in that situation with people I’ve known for a while and have a comfortable relationship with.

The best way to ask, if you need to, IMO, is to just be open and honest about it. I can see how it would be a sensitive and delicate issue, but I’d think that all parties involved would appreciate up-front honesty. Maybe make a semi-joke out of it so it doesn’t seem too heavy or intense a question.

4

Basically? Yes. (Although “sugarbuns” is just shockingly gauche. :wink: )

Honestly, if I had, say, HIV or herpes or hepatitis or something of that nature, I’d really feel obliged to tell a potential sexual partner about it, and I hope that they would extend the same courtesy to me. But naturally they might feel embarrassed about broaching the subject, which is why it is generally conceded that it’s a good idea to just ask, so that you’re opening up some kind of potential dialogue about it (although, granted, they might just lie). I’d also want to know if I were dealing with a virgin or with Wilt Chamberlain–this is not to say that those factors would make me change my mind about that person, but they both require a different sort of protocol. In other words, I like to operate with as much information as I can get.

5

I’m just hoping that this will prove an advantage someday. My painful and maddening years long droughts in the sexless desert has left me with pristine genitals. Never so much as a rash, itch, crab, pustule, or oozing. I am HIV negative- I can count the number of people I have had intercourse with on one hand.

I don’t think it’s really a delicate question, it’s really standard and expected nowadays. I wouldn’t pussyfoot around, just come out and ask.

6

I don’t bother asking. I assume the worst and protect myself accordingly.

7

Perhaps it’d work out well if you start out offering your own information, sort of a “Of course you’re wondering about so here’re the stats” and then just wait for a similar recitation?

8

He’s going to see you in all your naked, sweaty glory and vice-versa.

There’s anything to be embarassed about?

9

I came in with the intention of responding to your post by saying that volunteering your own sexual history to an unexpecting partner may be less than tactful.

However, I mentioned the discussion to my wife just prior to posting, and I rather came to agree with her approach. She said that no matter how serious the relationship is, if your partner isn’t adult enough to handle hearing about your sexual past for the purpose of protecting both of you, then maybe you oughtn’t to be sleeping with them in the first place.

Touché, Mrs. Asimovian.

10

Condoms do NOT protect against herpes, so it might be a nice thing to ask before even the “snogging”.

Honestly, in this day and age, I find it fairly shocking and dismaying that people A) don’t know HOW to have the conversation; B) don’t WANT to have the conversation; and/or C) don’t really want to know the answers.

Anyone with a brain would respect you for asking - it’s common sense and it shows maturity to take on a responsibility for yourself and your partner with regard to sex (Condom or not).

What’s wrong with a compliment and then dive into it. “I’m really attracted to you and I feel like I’d like to take this to the next level. So we can both be sure that we’re taking care of ourselves as well as one another, let’s have a discussion about our sesual health.”

I’ve said it. Then I’ve pulled out a recent health test with results. Paranoid? No, just precautionary. If I’ve been with a different partner since the last set of results, then I get another test.

I had a boyfriend ask that we both go get tested at the same time and place - kind of like he was willing to show me he was being mature about it as well. I deeply appreciated it. It was even before I knew as much about all the diseases out there as I do now. It was even before I watched a dear friend die of AIDS. It was before they really openly said “heteros” need to be concerned about AIDS. But it felt good that he was willing to go with me.

And I made it a practice since then. And after watching Christopher die and the way he died, I have NO PROBLEM AT ALL asking someone about their history. I’ve dodged my own fair share of bullets and, thank og, came away from more than one gunfight with nary a wound. I won’t play Russian Roulette any more. And I won’t do it to anyone else, either.

Get a spine (not necessarily the OP, but folks in general). It’s your LIFE you’re talking about here. And things that WILL affect you for the rest of your life. Talk about it. Want some more suggestions on opening lines? Mail me - (mail in profile). I talk about sex for a living. I have a lot of sex. I am not afraid to ask or answer any questions about it, me, my past, or my health.

With all respect and a healthy, hopeful dose of optimism

Inky

11

I’m a 26yo woman and have never had an experience like Inky had (sorry you had to deal with that :frowning: ) but after my first boyfriend slept around on me and his “lover” threatened us both with herpes scares, I have never thought twice about asking a guy straight up about his sexual history.

If any of his partners have cheated on them, or they weren’t sure, I told them I wanted them to get a STD test - I even recommended the local Planned Parenthood, where I got mine.

Even though I don’t have intercourse w/o condoms, oral sex is still unprotected sex. I want proof that I’m safe.

It’s never really seemed awkward to me to ask. I guess if I’m close enough with someone that I’m going to be having sex with them I’m certainlly close enough to ask them how “clean” they are. It only makes sense.

If you’re not ready to ask, then I’d think you’re not ready to have sex (not that you’re not mature enough - just not far along in the relationship! :slight_smile: )

12

I generally skip this step and go straight to having intercourse with my hand.

13

Really sorry - but this is a terribly frightening statement. I mean this should strike fear into the hearts of all your potential and past partners. I don’t mean to be rude, but you obviously do not know about sexual diseases, and how they can manifest - or not manifest with symptoms.

I really really don’t want to sound mean, but you need to to some learning before you’re ready to play the horizontal bop ever again.

May I reiterate, CONDOMS do not prevent against all forms of Herpes. Or Hepatitis? A, B or C? And there are only vaccinations for type A & B, but once infected with C, it’s your lifelong friend? (In the midst of my Hep vax’s now. Happy about it, too.)

HPV has no outward symptoms a man could see. Chlamydia may or not present with any symptoms a partner could see. Neither may gonorrhea. A smell does not indicate a presence of infection either - it varies on the time of month and other factors. You really need to take a sexual education course or do some reading.

Again, I am not being rude. I just want people to be aware and take precautions to protect themselves and not assume a condom is the end-all be-all of prevention. If you go to play football, do you wear a helmet and disregard the rest of your equipment and feel safe? No. Think of the education as the rest of your protective gear.

All respect - just trying to help

Inky

14

Being someone who tries to be scrupulously genuine, I just ask plainly, usually during some flirty banter about sex. I tell him about my own recent history, my expectation that we’ll use a condom for intercourse, and that I test every 6 months or sooner. Then I ask, knowing that some men won’t be honest.

I sometimes wonder whether middle-aged men are more likely to go to prostitutes. I don’t ask if he does, because it seems too invasive (and unlikely to get an honest reply), and I use protection.

Asking about history will sometimes reveal that he’s not quite the person I thought he was. If he acts offended, arrogant about the local germ pool being safe, or refuses a condom, then I’m not interested in him afterall.

15

Appreciated, but you skipped over the part where I said I only have sexual relations with people I already have a comfortable relationship with. Perhaps I should have clarified that by saying that the topic comes up beforehand and is settled before it becomes an issue.

In the end, I don’t have sexual relations with people whose history I don’t know and trust. And even then I take, admittedly, generic precautions.

16

I’m sorry if what I said sounded pretentious or preachy. It’s just, these days, there is no such thing as safe sex; it’s called safer sex. Because, loathe as I am to admit it, abstinence is the only form of completely safe sex. Unless you’re not cleaning your toys correctly, whch is a whole other matter.

I just want everyone to feel GOOD about sex - it’s what humans were made to do - enjoy our bodies, whether in recreation, running, walking, reading, having sex - our bodies were made to bring us joy in so many ways, and sex is one of them.

But life has gotten more complicated. Butter is bad for you, butter is good for you. Carbohydrates are bad, carbohydrates are necessary. Better to be prepared with a full arsenal of mental and physical ammunition than face any of the consequences.

All respect,

Inky

17

Thank you for your sympathies, Zipper. It was a truly horrifying, yet mind-opening experience. It’s tragic that it had to take something so painful to really expand my world and societal (sp?) view.

I now think of Christopher as my guardian angel. Not in a typical “guardian angel” sort of way, but as a spiritual guide who often puts roadbloacks in my way to make me really examine things and determine if this is a step I want to take on my life path.

Christopher was the biggest, brawniest, most masculine man I’d ever met. He oooooozes testosterone and pheromones that would turn on anyone around him. I initially hated the fact that he was gay. (In a joking kind of way.) Once he went from HIV-positive to having AIDS, the tramsformation was…wow. Something I’d never expected to see. He developed Lymphoma pretty quickly. The doctors gave him six months. He died in six weeks. Within two, he looked like someone you’d see in a concentration camp - gaunt, skin around his head sharply outlining the shape of his skull.

My boyfriend at the time tried to warn me not to react - it was the opening night of a play Chris had produced and it was a celebration. I walked up to Chris and tried not to let any expression except love and admiration cross my face and raved to him about his play, which was a take-off (with permission from the author, which was rare) of Closet Land. I had to go outside to cry my heart out and be sick. And then pulled it together and we went and partied our hearts out.

Luckily, Chris had enough time to write his own ceremony, plan it, and know how he wanted to be remembered. Every person who attended received a gift from Christopher - one of his prized posessions and a note about how you had meant so much to him and had affected his life. It was really a beautiful ceremony. And that was how he wanted it. With beauty; sadness, yes, but recognizing beauty around us at the same time.

This is so out of place and shouldn’t be in this thread, but…it was something that made me a sexual educationalist, writer, and activist today. And why I am passionate about everything now. And why I am so pissed (sorry, but it’s the only word that really conveys my utter anger and dismay) about the current governmental actions toward health clinics, PP, and other free testing stations. You almost have to sign a waiver that states you’ll never have sex again just so they will test you. Cutting of funding to any health clinic that also might offer abortion services or just TELL you about abortion services - that just isn’t right!

Ah…I’ll go drink some diet coke and do crunches. Maybe the anger will help me get more crunches done.

Inky

18

I said (once the relationship was progressing to that hot and heavy stage), “I have been tested and am clean, I wouldn’t sleep with anyone that hadn’t been tested. When were you tested?”

If you are comfortable enough with someone to have sex, you should be comfortable enough to ask.

Otherwise you have no business have sex with them.

Something I feel pretty strong about.

19

When the necking gets sufficiently advanced, I will generally draw back, utter, “Whew!”, and casually elicit a frank conversation on sex.

I mention in passing that I have never caused an unwanted pregnancy, nor contracted an STD (both true), but I still insist on using condoms.

Since I’m a male (and male-to-female transmission is much more prevalent), this sounds like altruistic concern for the woman, but serves the dual purpose of getting a fix on whether I should be wary.

It’s one of the hassles of being single and sexually active.

20

I agree with Mr Unpronounceable here.