A student of mine was killed yesterday, and I don't know what to do.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yesterday evening, one of my students was killed in a traffic accident.

I feel so utterly useless. I only found out by running into one of her classmates at the mall - turns out I’d left home before the announcement came from the school.

I’d only known her for a little over three months, and yet there is this gaping hole in my heart. I know her classmates adored her, and I have no idea what to do come monday morning. I know very little teaching will be done for that first day, but I just feel so utterly blank when I think about what to do instead.

These are not children, she was 21. But no less tragic, and no less horrible for that. And no easier to deal with, really.

I’ve only been teaching for those same three months. I never imagined anything like this would happen.

The school has routines in the event of a death, but they really don’t give any guidelines to individual teachers. I think some sort of instruction will arrive during the weekend, I know the principal and councillors will have a meeting on sunday. But in the meanwhile, I just feel lost.

I just - I guess what I want is to hear from people who have dealt with something like this. I know we have a lot of teachers here. Or just anyone really.

2

I wish there was something to say or do. A student of mine was killed the June after I had him. I was just stunned. I wrote a letter to his parents about him mentioning some things about him. I wasn’t in town for the wake or funeral, so I didn’t attend those. That fall the school planted a tree in his memory. I still think of him; he was a sweet, funny kid.

3

I’ve been teaching since 1985. To be blunt, if you make teaching your career this is going to happen over and over. I’ve lost track of how many of mine died. My first one was killed in an auto accident just after school let out for the summer at the end of my first year.
I’m not telling you not to be sad. Only that this is an unavoidable aspect of the job.

4

[QUOTE=Scumpup]
I’ve been teaching since 1985. To be blunt, if you make teaching your career this is going to happen over and over. I’ve lost track of how many of mine died. My first one was killed in an auto accident just after school let out for the summer at the end of my first year.
I’m not telling you not to be sad. Only that this is an unavoidable aspect of the job.
[/QUOTE]

I get that. I’m just totally unprepared for the actual process of showing up for work and teaching her classmates on monday. Do you have any advice?

5

Wow… that really sucks. My sympathies to you, and to your class, and the family.

I’m not a teacher…the closest I can come is when I was a middle school volleyball coach, during 9/11. First practice, I started with “Did anyone have any family that was effected by all this?” Then we just talked. My goal was to make sure everyone was doing ok, and to let them know that I was available to talk, if anyone needed to. I also wanted to gauge what mood the team was in, so I could handle practice appropriately.

In this case, we were lucky…the worst of my group had a father who was a pilot and was grounded somewhere.

Hopefully the school will provide counselors on site, and they can lead a discussion and give some direction for you. Try to remember that everyone grieves differently. You can expect some people to be quiet, some people to be angry, some want to talk, some don’t…etc.

Good luck, and don’t forget to let yourself grieve.
-D/a

6

Awful news, Septima. I don’t think it really matters that you knew her for only 3 months; she was a student of yours, and aside from the impression she left on you, teachers generally imagine their classes to remain intact.

I suggest the weekend for these students may have been focussed on the shock and the sadness. Monday’s class (while acknowledging, but not concentrating on the sadness) could be spent talking about the funny and favourite things that made her so adored, and whether some things about her can be incorporated into daily life that can make it a better, or more useful way to be. Maybe set up some kind of class award in her honour or something. Whatever the circumstance of the accident isn’t the focus - who she was, and who she will remain for these people is much more fruitful.

7

Honestly, I’d just teach your class. My HS had a spate of student deaths while I was there, and the attempts by teachers to address them in class were mainly just awkward and, from what I could tell by the reaction of my fellow students, not particularly helpful. The school as a whole had counselors, and a memorial service. And students who’d known the deceased had friends and family to commeserate with. And the ones who were really affected by the death and didn’t want to be distracted from their grief just took a few days off.

Some awkward chewing over of the tragedy by teachers unused to addressing that sort of thing doesn’t really provide extra to that, IMHO. Better to just do your job and start the “life goes on” part of the grieving process.

8

Teach your class. That’s your job that they pay you to do. As has already been mentioned, attempts by classroom teachers to talk about the situation are seldom welcomed by the class. Remember that, if you teach in a school of any size, some of the students didn’t know the deceased, some knew the deceased casually but weren’t friends, and there may actually be a few who didn’t like him or her. Not every student is going to be treating this death as a central facet of their life, IOW, and they’d be better served if you just got on with teaching.

9

A student I taught last year was shot to death a couple weeks ago. Apparently he knew the perpetrators, but from what I understand from other students who are still at the school, the police have been pretty apathetic about following up on it. I don’t know all the circs, so I’m not going to speculate on anything.

What makes it really awkward, for me: when this guy was in my class, he and his buddies were absolute shitheads. They made life miserable for the other students, and constantly disrupted class with racist, homophobic, and sexist comments. I spend most of my time policing them and separating them during exams and quizzes where they were constantly trying to cheat off each other and the other students. I had other students in my office who were afraid of them as they were intimidating to their classmates inside the class and out, and I had to throw them out of my lectures several times due to their behavior.

This was at university level as well – and at first the university denied he was even one of their students when the local press was trying to find out more about him.

None of my colleagues were surprised, sadly; another colleague who’d had to put up with this guy had said that the student said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s awful all around.

I ended up giving the most neutral statement possible to my former chairman when queried about him because it is a terrible thing (and there were witnesses, other students, who saw this guy get shot point-blank in the chest).

10

Can you post some kind of news link or something like that, so we can get some further information?
This sounds like an totally fascinating story.

Thanks,
hh

11

Sorry you’re going through this, Septima.

That said – I’m going to move this from MPSIMS to IMHO, our forum for advice and opinions.

12

I would agree that you should teach your class. Feel free to share your shock and grief, but don’t draw it out: the kids don’t need to go through an encounter session in class after class after class. Expect to do a lot of hugging and have kleenex.

13

At the college level I think you just move on, teach the class. It’s not like high school where everyone sees each other at lunch time and football rallies, many in the class might have just known her as the person who sat over there, or may have no idea who she was. I only knew one or two people in my college classes (and even then only through that class) and I’m thinking that’s not unusual.

I understand that this is upsetting for you, but don’t assume it’s equally upsetting for everyone else.

14

When I was in high school there were several suicides in a short period of time and it ended up affecting all of us directly or indirectly even if we didn’t know the deceased personally. I think it would be appropriate to take a few minutes at the beginning of the class to acknowledge the tragedy and let any students who might want to talk to you about it know that you would be willing to talk about it with them after class. It’s possible that nobody will take you up on that, but I think it’s nice for them to know you care about what happens to them (both in regards to the one who died and those left behind).
I would not make it the focus of the whole class though unless the students indicated they wanted that though.

15

Maybe take a minute (and no more than that) to say something nice about the deceased or just recognize that many of “us” are still grieving. Then say something like: *I’m sure <insert student’s name> would want us to carry on and explore the subject of the class and that’s what we’re going to do. *

16

I recall a similar incident when I was in the 10th grade. Two of our students had an accident on the way in, and there were heroics performed by one on the other to save her life, and she wound up pretty critical, but survived, and as far as I know, both are still living. We were in a classroom of about 30 when the news came in that morning, and there was the announcement, and then a little bit of time to absorb it as a class. Then the teacher announced that he would be praying, and anyone wanting to join him could do so in the hallway. All went out, except for about six of us. We remained in the classroom and moved on to other topics. I know the group of us that remained found the victims standoffish, difficult, and unfriendly. Plus, we weren’t ones to pray. We didn’t wish them harm, but mainly felt as if we were hearing a news report on strangers that had been in an accident. Didn’t wish them ill, but didn’t know them either. And everyone seemed fine with the fact that there were different degrees of familiarity within the same ‘class.’ If time is allotted, then speak with different groups of students, if they wish. Don’t try to use your lectern to issue blanket statements to the whole group just because they are assigned to your class, some will be uncomfortable and will not be feeling what you, or others, are feeling.

I’ve had a rash of suicides, drug overdoses and unavoidable deaths due to accidents peppered among my peers the past 20 years, and in the case of the accidents, I’d have to say they are harder to talk about. If it were a drunk driver, then that could be a little easier, because blanket statements could apply to the whole school, and it’s not as personal. Such tragedy could apply to anyone in the room. A senseless random accident, there’s not really anyone to be angry with or lessons to really learn, other than that any of us may die at any time. A drug overdose, a suicide–they leave plenty to discuss with the same group. I think if a death happens again to one of your students, you’ll have to reassess how you deal with it, as the circumstances will demand different tact. The circumstances have a lot to do with how it should be handled in school. I still find myself touched by the suicides of high schoolers two counties away, that I never met. Drug overdoses also anger me, and I consider both a community issue that everyone should be concerned with. But the car accidents, especially when they’re largely not due to recklessness, I just kind of move on by, realizing with human error and road conditions, there’s not really anyone to be angry with or much to discuss.

17

I don’t know what you’re going for here but this is rude at best and jerkish at worst. Don’t do it again please.

18

Thanks everyone. I appreciate everyone taking the time, and for the good advice.

A statement just came out from the principal, and we will have a short meeting monday morning to discuss practical issues. My particular teaching time with her class has been confiscated by the councillors, so that solves that. I wont actually have to teach them until thursday, by which point the plan is indeed to just “get on with it and teach my class”. I’ll poke my head in and see how they are doing in the morning tomorrow, and if the mood makes it appropriate, commiserate and make myself available for talking (which is more or less the protocol it appears).

[QUOTE=Scumpup]
Remember that, if you teach in a school of any size, some of the students didn’t know the deceased, some knew the deceased casually but weren’t friends, and there may actually be a few who didn’t like him or her. Not every student is going to be treating this death as a central facet of their life, IOW, and they’d be better served if you just got on with teaching.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, it was just her actual class I was worried about, as it looked like I would be teaching them first thing in the morning. As that is not an issue anymore, I’ll just get on with it.

With my other classes I’ll just make a short statement at the beginning (“In case you haven’t been informed, a student at this school died in an accident Friday evening…”) where appropriate, answer any questions, and then get on with it (my other students are mostly young teenagers, so they may be shocked, or they may not care. I’ll take my cues from them as I go.)

[QUOTE=moejoe]
At the college level I think you just move on, teach the class.
[/QUOTE]

It is a high school, or our equivalent. We just also have an accelerated track for older students who wish to start a college education and don’t have a high school diploma for whatever reason. She had an actual class, who have been spending every day since august with her. I think they knew who she was.

qualityleashdog, it was indeed a completely no-fault accident, which makes it…harder? I don’t know.

19

What I meant by that…I believe it is somewhat easier to choose a direction to go with a general crowd of students when the death was the result of drunk driving, suicide, drugs, etc, because the situation can apply to many, many students, not just the ones close to the victim. In a no-fault, there’s no talks about reaching out if you feel suicidal, help each other if you find someone is experimenting with drugs, intervene if your friend gets behind the wheel drunk, etc. It’s still an awkward and delicate situation, but there’s pretty much a clear-cut response laid out for the school faculty to take. Random accidents, there’s just not the standard things to say, like in other situations.
Even though some in the class didn’t know the victim, the message you deliver about feeling suicidal or drugs etc, could certainly apply to them or someone they know. Sorry if I was…confusing.

20

I think you are being overly harsh to me.

I was limp in not quoting from Ms Boods, so my post may have been misconstrued as being a response to the OP.

However, I wasn’t being flip concerning one’s pain, I was fascinated by Ms Boods story, and wanted more information. You can find several requests among previous threads requesting information on notorious happenings, even when they are not the actual OP.

You didn’t find out what I was getting at, and yet you charged in and called me rude/jerkish.

You owe me an apology.