A tragic and terrible announcement: my pet goldfish died

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

sniff, sniff

Alas, poor Patrick! I knew him, Dopers, a goldfish of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy…

:frowning:

Patrick was brought into the house when I was nine. We bought him a nice little tank and watched him swim around happily with the other fish, a tiny flash of gold and white with big black eyes.

The two other fish passed away after about a year or so. Patrick, however, kept living. And living. And living. He lived to be eleven years old, a big, old, fat, white goldfish. From time to time he would flip over and swim upside down, or just float there.

A few days ago, Patrick became dull and lifeless, sitting in the bottom of the tank and labouring to breathe. This morning my dad took mercy, scooped him out, and put him in a small cup of water. He twitched for a few moments, gasping, then went still and bobbed to the surface.

We’re going to bury him (really deeply) in the backyard today, and have a little funeral.

It falls to me to write his eulogy; Dopers, can you think of any jokes / one-liners I can crack for the speech?

2

Hmmm, white goldfish… White rabbits.

You’re sure you didn’t sit on your goldfish?

And now, watch me pull a really strained parallel outta my hat:

Patrick. Pat the Bunny.
Hmmm.

(For those who have no clue what I’m talking about. http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=288734)

3

Eddy, Teddy, and Freddy send their condolences, and have volunteered to undertake the disposal of the remains.

4

Here I was thinking you’d named a goldfish after ME!

Then I see that nine year thing…

I suppose remarks about how he’ll be sleeping with the fishes, how he isn’t part of the family anymore, etc. would be inappropriate?

5

Oh, dear.

But why would you joke about your friend’s death?
Is the sad fact that you’ll never meet him again bad enough? After all, he’s not going to cross the Rainbow Bridge – he’s going to swim under it.

6

iampunha and StarvingButStrong are on the right track… keep 'em coming!

EddyTeddyFreddy, should I wish to feed your cats, only the finest cut of freshest salmon would ever do–nothing less!

And no, TellMeI’mNotCrazy, I did not sit on my goldfish, as I don’t generally sit in water-filled glass tanks. :wink:

7

Well there goes that fant-er…I know! Is your fish still going to charged passage of the Styx, given that he can - y’know - swim it?

8

I’m terribly sorry that you lost your dear friend - but you may proceed with good spirits, knowing that he’ll be forever immortalized in cracker form.

9

Maybe you could put Patrick on the bar-b-que…

Kinda of a Buddist-Culinary send off.

One of my friends had a goldfish, Henry, for 13 years. Henry always swam upside down. Hated other fish. He was a misogonist Fish. One day he up and died. My friend was devestated. No, really. She was. Her husband had to come home from work to console her.

10

I’m passing along condolances from Sparky. Sparky was rescued from a horrible demise at the hands…er, flippers of the soft-shelled turtle. So far he’s been here for about three months.

Perhaps you could mention that at least your little guy didn’t end up a fish patty?

11

In fish circles, this is known as “going to sleep with the humans.”

12

I think I had a thread going a short while ago when my 3 piranhas died and I buried them in the back yard. After a couple weeks I decided I’d have a little fun to make myself feel better.

Next to where they’re buried I posted a sign “Reserved for Luca Brasi.” Made me feel a little better even if my wife has no clue what it means. :slight_smile:

And sorry for the loss.