This little gem is critical. My parents were like this. Allowing me to fail taught me a lot more than I ever thought it would. And talking about it helped even more.
My parents rarely said “no” without explaining why. Sometimes it didn’t make sense to me at the time, but then I’d think about it, and realize that they were probably right (that’s what I thought then, anyway–now I know they were right).
One more thing–don’t ever, ever let your daughter find your stash. Just trust me on this one. 
So my alarm goes off this a.m., and I hear the shower in the other john is already running. I drag out of bead, take my shower, perform my morning ablutions, dress, go downstairs, and the other shower is still running.
I toast and spread 3 bagels (breakfast for on the train) pack a lunch, make and drink a huge mug of java, feed and walk the dog, take a nice long dump, read the comics, and put on my coat, and who should be dragging her butt downstairs but the teenager? *WHAT THE HELL HAS SHE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?! *
Dinsdale - that was a short shower…I used to take baths…2 or 3 hours (no, I didn’t wrinkle, yes, I was a book-aholic, so I read, & no, we only had one toilet & it was in the bathroom…good job my mom had good bladder control!).
One thing…I spent nearly three years in my room…whichever idiot decreed that kids should hit puberty at the same time that their mom hits menopause should be shot…it seemed like every time we talked, we rowed, so I decided that not talking was better than rowing.
And yes, we are the best of friends now & have been since about the end of the three years…<g>
Over heard conversation between two teen girls.
‘You know when it’s, like, really cold an’ you gotta, like shower yet? Turn on the shower with just the hot water and let it run, ya know, while you do whatever on the toilet an’ it really warms up the bathroom. Then when you shower, like, everything’s toasty.’
I figure Dad hasn’t yet figured out why the power bill is so high during the winter, or like, why there’s never enough hot water in the morning even with the new water heater. He’s probably also already called the water company to tell them about their lying water meter. 
Kids, ain’t they just cool?
Hedra: Sounds like your mom raised you a lot like my mom raised me and my brothers.
A Little more to add…
One of the quickest ways to get your kids to try things you dont want them to do is to strictly forbid them to do it. For instance, a neighbor across the street forbid his daughters to date. What did they do? They went behind their parent’s backs and had boyfriends. Most of my smoker friends had parents who forbid them to smoke. The ones who got tattoos as teens had parents who would have killed them if they knew their kid had a tattoo (of course this isnt true with everyone).
However, that doesnt mean i’m saying be mum on the issue. Talk with your daughter and explain why you dont want her to do certain things. My parents always explained to us why they didnt want us to do certain things,and talked to us about the consequencs, but they never said “I had better not catch you smoking!” (in fact they told us that if we did start that we had better smoke out in the front yard. None of us ever started to smoke). They also didn’t even mind that we were looking at porn, but they made sure to explain to us that that was all meant for fantasy and that real relationships do not work that way (well, most anyway).
Also, don’t judge your daughter’s dates by their appearance. That nice looking, conservatively dressed boy could be a complete asshole, while the scary looking guy with the piercings and odd colored hair could be one of the most polite, and kind guys your daughter could meet.
BTW: Where the hell do you guys live that kids are still wearing baggy pants with the crotches down to their knees, and underwear showing? I haven’t seen that style on kids in this area for several years now (there seems to be a trend for kids to dress a little more nicer here). Even the skaters here dont do that anymore.
She was probably thinking/daydreaming. I used to do that. Bugged the sh*t out of my siblings (mom used to shower first… I was child number 6, so she had seen it before!). There’s a lot of social and personal re-organization going on in her head… I would go over some dream I had, or think about a conversation I had (and what I could have said differently if I was a little more X or a little less Y), or i’d just wander off in fantasy land.
Welcome to la-la land. It is probably also partly due to hormones (but do not suggest that to her - it doesn’t feel like hormones, so she’ll just be insulted). It happened (and occasionally still happens) more to me during hormone surges - there’s an accompanying general sense of ache/discomfort, and the hot water feels really comforting. Oh, and since her hormones are probably all over the place, it will happen a lot. Unfortunately, while a heating pad would sound like a cheaper (and reasonable) alternative, it probably won’t get used even if you suggest it nicely. 1) someone would know she was feeling ‘something’ in her body, and that will ick her out, and 2) she doesn’t want to pay that much attention to what is going on regarding hormones anyway - it is a rare early teen girl who doesn’t just want to hide/ignore it until it all goes away. And ignoring it can be pretty successful - I managed to not notice a lot of things until they had been around a while (like PMS).
Oh, and speaking of bodies taking over, I remembered one more thing for general advice. I found it really helpful to know that my body didn’t care how old I was, it was going to practice being fertile anyway - which means that the very times when I would most consider saying ‘screw birthcontrol, I can’t wait a minute longer’ were the times when I was most likely to get pregnant. Hormones surge pre-ovulation, and that is peak fertility. Your hormones don’t care, they are just doing their job. Which means that your brain has to do its job and remember that the hormonal goal is pregnancy, but your overall current goal is probably NOT pregnancy. This was enough to make me extra careful under those conditions. Hopefully she won’t need this info any time soon, but soon is the time to provide it.
Doobieous, I agree on the forbidden stuff, to some degree. I had friends who were forbidden to do drugs and have sex, and they went ahead and did them as fast as they could. I also was NOT forbidden to have sex (just told I needed to not get pregnant, and hopefully not catch something, this being just pre-AIDS…)… and guess what, I went and had sex a few years before my mom thought it would happen (and she still doesn’t know, from what I can tell…). Now, I didn’t get pregnant, nor did I catch anything (thank God), but it probably would have been wise to include some more discussion about why holding off on sex until older might be a good idea. Now, at least, I can speak from experience.
Well, which is why I said it isn’t always true with everyone ;). Some of my friends who smoked, drank, did drugs, and did a lot of wild things also had parents who really didnt care what their kids did. So, this is why i’m all for having talks with kids about the consequences, etc. of your actions. Mom didnt mind if we had sex early, i think she kind of expected it, but she made sure to explain to us that we needed to use birth control and a good degree of discretion if we did do it. Naturally she said she’d like if we didnt have sex early, but knew there wasnt much she could do to stop it if it happened.
I also remember my mom saying to my brothers and I that if we DID get a girl pregnant (well for me that wont be a problem), that we had better take care of the kid, get a job, and support it. So, i think that kind of thing scared us into waiting, or making sure we took precautions (well, except my twin but he’s always been impulsive and he’s a whole other story :)).
Ranger, just wanted to let you know that you are in good company. Last June, in the thread in which Wally’s daughter, Amy introduced herself to the Board, aena posted a similar list of rules.
Wally’s response:
**
Thanks all for your responses.
Thought I should tell you she’s really a great kid. I’m kind of worrying that I might be on borrowed time.
She is in 7th grade, gets pretty much straight As in school, plays the flute in the school band and the piano, and does Irish Step dancing. Reads a TON. Seems to have some really nice friends. Friends are mostly on the brainy side. Probably her best friend came here from China 3years ago. Said some “cool” kids were making fun of them for drilling each other in French over lunch. Dresses for comfort, instead of what’s popular. Mrs. D makes sure her clothes fit well, match, are in good repair, etc. (That is, when she isn’t borrowing her mom’s clothes - either with or without asking first!) About 5’5", 125#, dark blond hair past her shoulders, developing quite a nice trim little figure.
Seems kind of interested in the idea of boyfriends, but not really interested in dating just yet. Has some close friends who are boys and goes out to movies and carnivals with coed groups. I’m guessing she hasn’t kissed them (or more) yet, or if she has, not too much. Also pretty certain she does no drugs, smokes, drinks, etc. She knows if she’s curious, she can let us know and we’ll let her try any of the liquor around our house.
If anything, seems a little naive compared to what I hear about kids her age, but I sense she is just in no real hurry to grow up. We talk about anything - drugs, drinking, boyfriends, friends, religion, books, what have you. She seems to be more open with me than her mom (same way my son seems more open with his mom than with me.) And I’ve stressed to them that even if I get mad when they screw up, I will do my best to help them with their problems. And however mad I get will be nothing compared to if they don’t tell me and I find out. And I guarantee them I WILL find out.
Things that bug her mom most is she’s kinda sloppy in maintaining her room (tho Mrs D is on the neatnik side and I am a total slob). And she and her siblings can get along so well at times, and at others, just bicker nonstop. She likes to sleep in when she gets a chance, but that’s pretty normal, and when she has to she gets up at 6 a.m. for band practice. I fear she may have inherited the bad complexion I had at her age. God, I hope not! She will describe herself as not good at sports. But that is simply because she does not play any regularly. Her dance leaves no doubt as to her athleticism, she has a back and shoulders any woman would kill for, and can drop and give you 40 push ups without hesitation. If I were to characterize her personality, I would say she may lack for some creativity, and I hate to see her sort of not showing as much confidence in herself than she is capable of. But she is very good analytically, and a very hard worker.
I’m sure this is more info than any of you care for. But I thought letting you know about her would in some small part reapy you for the effort you put into your replies.
[h]hedra** - your kid has a great mom!
One of the wisest things my parents did was to send us all to boarding school. Or more specifically, to allow us to go to boarding school. If you send/force them to go they get resentful and all that. The kids who caused the most trouble were the ones who were sent there to be away from home. We however really wanted to go. It was a Quaker co-ed school (Westtown Friends), very challenging academically, strong in sports (it is a requirement), good arts and music programs, relatively isolated. Also expensive.
The advantage to the parent is that you now become the good guy, the escape. The school has to deal with the hormones and the behavior problems. They had stricter rules than home, and required you to work either in the kitchen or cleaning the school. By comparision, home is heaven.
It also makes college easier. My roommate and I (who had both gone to Westtown) already knew how to do laundry. And the food at college was better! And some of the courses were easier!
Your other choice is to wait and then build a three-story playhouse with them.
[hijack]
Hey epeepunk, I went to Westtown too! Check your email.
[/hijack]
Sorry about that folks.
I second everything epeepunk has to say about boarding school. Until I was about 20 I thought it was been all my idea to go away for High School, but really my mom planted the suggestion.
It was the best thing that could have happened to my relationship with my parents, and taught me a lot about my self and how to happily co-exist with others. Mostly it meant that I associated my parents and being home with only good things like laundry service, home-cooked-meals and lots of attention.
Ship 'em off and let the teachers raise 'em I say. It’s what I plan to encourage for my own kids.
Congrats! You are officially an idiot. At least, that’s what my teenagers think of me. How I managed to walk and chew gum at the same time is a wonder to behold. And they have started working on the 7 year old now too. Last year, he told me I had lost the smart part of my brain. With the 3 wee heathens, tis a wonder I have a brain at all. So, prepare yourself for the door slamming and the eye rolling you mentioned, but add the blank looks, the need for 23 hours of sleep per day, loss of your telephone, crying at the drop of a hat, broken dishes and a generally sullen outlook. It does get better though. My 16 yr. old has a job now, and has discovered that I DO know something after all. Oh, and look forward to teaching her how to drive! That’s when the real fun begins!
all i can recommend is: duct tape… lots and lots of duct tape… there’s no other hope for your sanity.
wolf189 (learned many yrs ago that duct tape is the best baby-sitter/mischief preventer around…)