I’m turning to the SDMB for wisdom. Nothing tongue-in-cheek about this topic - I’m very much dreading the next four years of my life. I have a 14 year old whose level of disrespect and etc., etc., etc., is already more than I can tolerate. I can’t stand being in the same room with her lately. None of that was easy to type and I am truly asking how I might get through this with my sanity intact. I do consider myself to have an above average level of resiliency, however, I am already feeling beaten down by parenting her. The thought of four more years of this makes me weep. What have you got?
my daughters are three years apart, so I had two teen aged daughters in the house at the same time. There is no real answer. Think back to your teen years. It will help you understand what is going on. Just my opinion, but one important thing to think about: If you expect your children to behave better than you did at their age, you will be disappointed.
ETA: My girls are now 37 and 40. You will get through this.
Keep a good humor. Get massaged. Get tranquilizers. I had a rebel child. I just kept telling myself this won’t last forever. The older she got the better it got. She was maturing. She is now in her 20s, married with 2 boys. She is a lovely young woman and a special Mom. I couldn’t ask for better.
Don’t do any thing that will permanently ruin your relationship. Keep her close. Stay on top of who she’s running with and her grades. The more you stay dialed it the more she will know you care, she will resist but stay in there. If you shut down she will see it as a license to do what she pleases. It will get better, teens grow into adults. All too soon.
My baby is now at college and I would do anything to have her home. But alas, not gonna happen. ( I have 3 kids, my middle daughter was the rebel.) And, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Thanks, longhair. I have been thinking back to how I was as a teenager and I was no choir girl, that’s for sure. I’m reminding myself daily of how irrational I was as a teen and try hard to see my own kid through that lens. In my own defense, I wasn’t awful until my 3rd year in high school - this kid is just finishing 8th grade.
I’ll be mighty proud of myself if I do manage to get through this!
Pick your battles. Maintain boundaries. Take care of yourself. Don’t personalize what they say. Remember that their brains aren’t done developing yet, and are being overwhelmed by hormones constantly. Keep in touch with your friends. If there are two parents in the household, take turns being the sane parent. Forgive yourself when you lose it. Don’t hit. Acknowledge and own your own mistakes and share of the blame, even when they don’t do the same for their share.
Time passes, things improve.
Thanks, Beckdawrek. I appreciate you pointing out that I shouldn’t shut down - because I do feel myself doing that. Just as she is pulling away from me - which understandably is what she is supposed to begin doing now(developmentally) - I’m detaching, too. Maybe too early on my end, because I haven’t reached the finish line of parenting her yet. She is rather mean and a bully to me lately - which is incredibly hurtful to me - so I have stepped away as a bit of self-protection.
Is there any consensus on where peak “bratty teen” is usually found? I was never much of a teen rebel myself but I went to an all girls school and remember the worst drama-llamas being around the age of 14 to 16 or so, after which people mostly started calming down a bit.
Advice: give her plenty of safe opportunities to make dumb decisions and suffer her own consequences for it. Now is a perfect time for her to be responsible for her own homework for instance
sorry, nothing. my experiences as a teenager being around other ones put me off of ever wanting to have any of my own forever.
Thanks, Q-the-M. I’m working on the things you have listed. As for picking my battles - I’ve learned now to ask myself “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Boundaries, self-care, and personalizing her garbage still need working on.
I’m the primary residential parent (single/divorced parent). Not a day goes by lately without her mentioning (threatening) how she wants to go live with her dad. On occasion, it takes everything I have to not say “and don’t let the door kick you in the ass”.
For what it may be worth & IMHO, I am her only sane parent (though she is working on that).
Like the “terrible twos” which I found to be a myth, because age 3 is when you’re really tempted to put them up for sale, the teen angst tended to start here at 11-12 and was mostly gone by the time they were getting their drivers’ licenses. “Thank you for this lesson in patience”, I would mutter to the gods above. I learned that from a friend.
Days later, they were all grown up. It seems like that anyway.
I thought I didn’t have anything, but I’ve come up with a few.
-Find her a few outlets that are hers. Mine were drama and swimming. Yes, kids can be over-scheduled, but give her a focus that isn’t just school, and angst.
-Exercise. She needs it. Find a way for her to get it.
-Food. Sounds stupid, but growing like a weed is hard work. My blood sugar would crash and I would become the world’s largest bitch until fed. You might try keeping an eye on her eating habits and make sure she’s getting what she needs.
I had three children in the space of 2 1/2 years (two of them were twins) so I spent several years with multiple teenage moods thrown at me simultaneously.
Like Qadgop says, you have to pick your battles. To be precise, you have to prioritize your rage about what they’re doing.
- Is it life-threatening?
- Is it illegal?
- Is it going to end up costing me a lot of money?
- Is it worth my getting out of a nice, warm bed?
Buy this book: Back In Control. Read it daily. Implement his methodology and above all, DO NOT DEVIATE OR GIVE IN!. It probably wouldn’t hurt to get his first book,Parent In Control, just to have some background.
Your kid is going to push back hard against this. You will have to have a come-to-Jesus meeting your daughter and say, “Here are the rules. Nobody cares if you like them or not. But you will obey them.” The book will point out that you have to set very specific guidelines and stick to them. Make any rewards or punishments meted out be the direct result of the child’s actions. And be consistent.
Good luck!
Well, if the peak brat time is 14 to 16 (just 2 years!) then I may stand a chance. Thank you for that bit of sunshine.
She is definitely on her own with homework…has been for about a year or so because it was just so stressful to her when I would dare to say something like “Have any homework tonight?”. Sink or swim, baby.
But, JZ78817- may I ask how old you are? and offer a cautionary tale: Like you, I also hated myself as a teen and swore up until just past age 40 that I would never be a mother…and, well, never say never. Forever is a tough bet. Good luck to you, though!
Terrific points! As a matter of fact, I have just made plans for her to begin volunteering! Spring Break was going to be a trip out of town, but then I caught myself - why trap myself in a car and hotel room with her and her phone? Instead we will be assisting an organization in food packaging for starving refugees (we will work at separate stations). This is going to be a surprise!
On exercise: about 10 months ago I got her the puppy she’d begged for years for (I wanted him, too - still do, for the record) - you think she walks him? Never.
On food: she likely is a wreck with this. won’t eat healthy food, skips meals to be skinnier (this has just started). But beyond making healthy food and vitamins available to her - I am powerless to oversee her food intake at her age. I completely agree with low blood sugar not helping her attitude, though.
[quote=“kunilou, post:12, topic:811100”]
you have to prioritize your rage
This is brilliant - worthy of post-it note on the mirror! Thank you. & if I can manage to do this, I can add it to my resume - because it is a highly specialized skill.
Gosh I hope to feel that way about it someday. Thank you for providing hope.
Thank you, Clothahump, for the book recommendations - I will check for them at the library this weekend.
Be someone they can trust to be fair. Children have a keen sense of fairness, and playing by themselves, a group of children will default to fair play, and police themselves.
Give your kids credit for wanting fairness, assume you will be caught if you try to sneak unfairness past them.
Kids understand rules, and will cooperate with you as long as they intuitively understand that your rules are fair. You may have to explain to them why you think a rule is fair, but be prepared to listen to their dissenting opinion.
Let them know that trust is important – that they can trust you. They will then earn your trust.
But never take your eyes off them, because they are constantly exposed to bad influences by toxic companions and acquaintances. Watch for the signs.