This struck a chord for me, from when my eldest was about that age. I found it helpful to call her on it when she said something hurtful, just like “hey, that was pretty mean”.
Another thing that helped our relationship was me not pulling rank all the time. I worked really hard to have at least some conversations with her about something she was interested in, where I just listened or commented, but resisted the impulse to correct her thinking, or turn it into a teachable moment. If she was working hard at something, even if it’s something I saw as trivial, or a waste of time, I would still try to say something positive, that acknowledged its importance to her.
It does get better. 14 - 16 was the worst, for both my girls.
While I freely admit this is the textbook definition of “judging a book by its cover”, I think **Clothahump’s **book recommend sounds awful, that if I were reading it I’d be doing it with a large salt-shaker in the other hand, and that age 14 sounds like the absolute worst time in the world to try to exert **more **control than you would otherwise naturally be doing.
Remember when she was little and discovered she could say “no”? As soon as you started fighting her, you’d allowed her to control you, you’d already lost.
Do you have a trusted older sibling? At appropriate times, get them to tell your daughter something along the lines of, “Your mother did that at your age too.”
Not much to add. Maybe this: when it comes to respect, I focused on the basic, and engaged my kids directly. “If you want space, you have to demonstrate you get the basics. We all do - me, too. So: we each must communicate with respect and to coordinate living in the same space. Cool?” And I never varied off that - if I found myself yelling or taking tone, I would stop and apologize and cite that rule. And when I called them on it, they had to own their shit, too. Hard but THE critical starting point. Showing it was a two-way street and I had to honor it, too, is was gave it traction, IMHO.
We had at least one teenager in the house for 14 consecutive years. We survived and they are happy, productive, ambitious adults now (trust me, don’t get me started – I’ll brag until sundown :))
The suggestions here are good, and I’ll add one more with the caveat that it was true for us. I suspect it will work for most parents.
To a 14-year-old you are a dorky, clueless, and hopelessly out of touch oldster. Use this to your advantage. If you watch, you’ll notice that the last thing a teen wants is for Mom to be with her (at the mall, school functions, etc.). Rather than direct confrontation, use your pre-assigned status as a social anchor to encourage the important things you need her to do.
Trouble with homework? Go sit beside her in class, to “help”. Extra points if you gush about how excited you are to meet her friends, and maybe introduce yourself to that boy she’s been talking about!
Trouble with curfews? Don’t get mad. Show up and be the excited dorky parent who’s thrilled to hang out with her crowd.
To a teenager (esp at 14), you are social poison. Let her discover the best way to drive you away is to do (the few) important things that must be done. Otherwise she’ll be sharing her friends with you.
Is it really going to be a surprise? Springing something like that on her, especially if she thinks you’re going on a trip instead, is going to make her blow up, and the closer to the activity you wait to tell her, the bigger the negative reaction will be. You know that, right?
Do you often “surprise” her like this? If the answer is yes, stop doing that and you may well get along better. Grown adults don’t like big things like this sprung on them, and unsurprisingly teens don’t like it either. Introducing the element of unpredictability on a regular basis erodes trust. You’re the parent so you get to make the plans, but the outrage of learning that we’re doing X instead of Y two months out is a lot less most of the time than if you wait until the day before.
A lot of good stuff up thread. Consistency is important; if the rules keep changing, chaos ensues. I always made sure that my kids knew that there are consequences for every action, and that they had the power to decide whether they wanted a positive or negative consequence to what they did in their lives.
I have three sons and a daughter, and by far my daughter was the biggest headache in her teens. It seemed like she went away at about age 14 and some demon took her place in the home. Then, at about 17, she underwent some sort of exorcism and came back to us as a loving daughter. It was a tough three years, especially for my wife, who was just incapable of rolling with the punches.
The good news is you are seeking help, hence have not given up.
I can identify with the off spring. When my parents said “Don’t do this”, I immediately did it. If they said don’t go to the mall, I was on my way there. Not to rebel, but to expand my knowledge of the world. Be careful of the word “Don’t”.
She is attempting to understand how long is her leash. Give her a long leash, but you cannot allow her to put herself in situations that may have severe consequences. And explain your concerns.
The main idea is to keep the communication lines open. Even if you are arguing, it is still communication. If they close, the problems will increase exponentially.
My daughter is 16 and I’ve also noticed how she seems to be calmer or she’s reached some sense of peace within herself. I don’t really know how to describe it, but she’s not the kid she was at 14. Keep in mind hormones are at play and even if you think puberty is over physically, the hormones are still bat shit crazy. Very good advice up above, choose your battles. I also recommend active listening and realizing sometimes you will be the one saying sorry. Finally, try not to take it personally, it may seem as though you are her worst enemy and at times she hates you. Take deep breaths and know that eventually it will pass. It’s her coming into her own, pushing buttons, pushing the limits and trying everything on for size. Love her and be consistent with your expectations.
Especially considering the author also owned and ran a disciplinarian “wilderness camp” for wayward teens that resulted in at least one very suspicious death of a kid in his “counselors” care. Guy’s a former probatioin officer–not the person whose advice I’d seek in trying to helpfully guide a kid through the teen years.
When Sunny Daze suggested she have an outlet that’s hers, I don’t think being forced to volunteer with her mother was what she was talking about. What’s she interested in? Drama? Creative writing or journaling? Riding horses? Give her lessons. Give her a chance to try stuff and fail, now, when it’s not important. So she joins a pole dance class? At 14 that’s not the road to stripper-hood. Or she takes guitar lessons and learns she hates it - big deal.
This is when she’s figuring out what she likes, what she wants to be. Give her the opportunity to explore safely.
Teenagers can be totes disgusting creatures to live with. I had four of my own, plus miscellaneous other ‘drop ins’ who would stay from a few days to a few months at a time.
One of my kids was particularly obnoxious, and I had to call the cops on him a couple of times during his youth. The lil’ bastard was nearly the death of me, and I came <—> this close to killing him myself. Not joking. :mad:
However, he and his lovely wife and one year old son have just left an hour ago after a visit… it took a few years, but they do grow up eventually!
If ya haven’t killed them, you too will survive raising a teenager.
I have to echo what some others have pointed out upthread: If your parenting style involves springing a bad surprise on someone when they were expecting something good - and expecting that they will appreciate it and react well to such an unexpected reversal of circumstances - then maybe this indicates that part of the trouble in the parent-child relationship in this thread lies with you.
Not saying that your daughter is blameless, but if you spring “surprises” on her like this, that says something about your parenting approach, and will likely destroy her trust in you and cause her to see you as un-dependable and untrustworthy, if she doesn’t already.
This comes from having been a teenager, not from raising one:
Tell her - calmly - when she is rude, when she has hurt your feelings, when she deserves other people being mean to her, and, most importantly, when you don’t want her company and she should leave the room. Just the facts, ma’am.
She’ll learn.
When she really angers you, and you want to hurt her? Tell her that outfit doesn’t do her justice when she comes home.
My advice from raising a teenager is, get divorced. It’s so much easier when you can smile while you count the days until they go to the other parents’ house.
