How will you survive raising a teen? Older, wiser, poorer and tired. But you will survive!
My 26-year-old recently apologized for being an insufferable brat during her teenage years. She started acting better years ago, but I suppose just now came around to regretting her earlier behavior.
Lots of good advice in this thread. Don’t take it personally. Don’t escalate. Don’t shy away from necessary (and loving) confrontation. Do not expect immediate progress.
In part, how the teen years go is determined by how all the years leading up to the teen years went. If finding out how she’s doing has been limited to, “How did school go today?” you’ll have a tough time getting her to open up now, even if she readily told you about recess hijinks and Jessie’s hiccups in the past. Make opportunities to talk. Some teens find it easier to write. My daughter and I exchanged letters often. She lowered them downstairs on fishing line. 
If she gets rude or hurtful and you haven’t allowed that when she was younger (If you have, God help you.), remind her there’s a reason for the rule. Make sure there are consequences.
On the other hand, be willing to admit you were wrong when you really were. It’ll teach her to accept responsibility for her own mistakes.
Have a sense of humor. I got my daughter to stop rolling her eyes at me (to my face anyway) by singing terrible songs painfully off-key every time she did. I told her it was my right. I only had to do it twice.
Coping with a teen is very different from raising a teen without conflict. The latter is impossible. She’s going to get angry at you. You’re an adult. You can take it. Your job is to teach her how to deal with her anger in ways that won’t hurt others and cause her long-term misery.
Finally, being a teen is no picnic, either,. There’s a lot of struggle in being born into adulthood, and it’s a painful, messy, glorious process. But it has its high points, and I loved spending my days with teens. You’ll have good times with your daughter, too.
I worked with teenage boys for a while. 14-18. For me, part of the fun, the really great thing about working with that age group, was that 14 y.o. boys are assholes. And then they turn into 18 y.o. people that you would be proud to have as your friend. And you don’t even have to be any good at your job!. They actually turn into 18 yo anyway, without any special input from me!
It’s a kind of magical transformation that still gives me a buzz.
this is contrary to my experience. IME 18-19 year old guys are a bunch of peacocking, reckless, irresponsible, destructive menaces.
Patience. A sense of humor. Some form of connection (I watched the raunchiest bad comedies with my son trying to connect - hated every minute of the movie - it didn’t work 100%, but it worked a lot better than trying to get him to do things I wanted to do).
And, if necessary, a countdown chart to “the day you are no longer my responsibility and I can kick you out of the house.”
My son did a lot of straightening up when he realized that he could get kicked out and have to pay his own rent - that’s years away for you.
I second the idea of finding her some activity (e.g., volunteer work) where she finds value in herself, gets out of the house, and let’s you know where she is. My younger brother was quite a problem child, including running away several times. He ended up having to do some community service at a local hospital. This experience changed him overnight. He began to view himself as critical to the hospital, walking a couple miles to get there when snow prevented my parents from driving him. In addition, he joined a local firehouse brass band he heard of through friends at the hospital. He went on to get a degree in respiratory therapy and still plays bass with local bands in his town. I never would have seen that happening.
Mrs Iggy has slowly started to calm down as Iggyette has reached the age of 18 and is not so melodramatic now. Mrs Iggy worried immensely about every little thing. Every time Iggyette would arrive home and go straight to her room without talking to her mother drove Mrs Iggy to tears. I kept reminding her that the kiddo was not on drugs, was not skipping school, and was not pregnant which put her ahead of several of her schoolmates.
Decide what is truly important. Really, truly, life changing important. And focus on helping her avoid such big mistakes while letting her have more leeway on the little things. After all, most of your parenting was setting a foundation for her years ago. Now is the time that will test how well you did.
I have a 15 year old daughter now going through some pretty heavy stuff. Here is my advice:
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Make sure she is eating. That may mean you have to make her lunch and maybe even flex a lot on what you get to put in that lunch. My daughter takes a lot of easy to nibble on food, or she wouldn’t eat.
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Have a journal that you guys use to pass notes. Hear me out. There will be things she wants to ask you, and maybe she can’t. Tell her she can write it in the journal and you will reply - IN WRITING. This is a hard rule. Sometimes, they don’t want face-to-face
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Monitor their social media. I like Pocket Guardian, because it just let’s you know when there is a concern, and you can talk about
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Will this matter in 5 years? is a great way to pick your battles
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XX - this is a code they can send at the end of a text message. It means “Pick me up, I am not comfortable”.
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Check in with more than “Are you okay?” or “How was today?” Know their friends, and spend time learning a bit about them. You don’t have to like them, they are their friends not yours, but you can now ask “Wow, did Cressida change her hair again?” You will be amazed at how much a casual conversation can open up
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Have condoms in the house and let her know where they are. Explain this is NOT permission to have sex, but similarly to wearing a seatbelt in a car, you want her to be safe.
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If she suddenly starts wearing long sleeves or pants all the time, ask her about it. This is around the age that some teens cut - please note that this is NOT indicative of suicidal thoughts OR “pain that needs to be released”. This can be from a few things and they may not know themselves why they are doing it, but it’s soothing at the time.
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Drop any and all references to “That outfit is slutty” or anything like that - you can absolutely say “Hey, that is not appropriate for school.” but don’t make any judgment calls as to why.
All really smart Poysyn - best of luck with your own situation, but it sounds like you are approaching it very thoughtfully.
Another idea, come up with a reason to drive some place, just the two of you, for at least a half hour, each way, regularly - once a week, once a month. Trip to a farm stand, maybe? It is easier to talk when you’re not face-to-face, and harder to be rude when neither of you can escape. However - this is important - you have to find something innocuous for the radio, or you’ll just spend all your time fighting about that.
Not to their parents. That is when they become human again.
I was going to say things very similar to this. I have boys, both in college now and I am very proud of the young men they are becoming. My older son was the wilder one, but because we went into the teen years on a very solid footing of trust, honesty and respect, he thankfully didn’t stray too far. He was no angel at times, but a sense of humor helped tremendously. My younger son is a gamer, so I had one kid I couldn’t keep in the house, and another I had to light a stick of dynamite under his chair to get him to GO somewhere.
I have to say, though…more than once I have thanked my lucky stars I didn’t have girls. Girls are just harder in the teen years, imo. It is merely the consensus of my social group, but one of my friends who has raised both boys and girls put it this way:
You can stop a teen-aged boy on his way out the door and the exchange will usually go something like:
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“With who?”
“The guys.”
“When are you going to be back?”
“Later.”
Pretty simple, but you get a basic exchange and a fairly good idea about whats happening.
Now, same scenario, but with a teen-aged girl:
“Where are you going?”
“I hate you! You are always trying to ruin my life!” (Crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, hair-pulling and slamming of doors will soon follow)
Teen boys are not any more or less prone to get into mischief than teen girls, but boys are easier to catch and will usually own up to it and take their lumps of punishment from mom and dad and get on with their life. Girls…well girls are sneaky and they plot and plan their mischief in much more detail than boys, (this I know, I used to be one) so you have to be a bit more crafty yourself to catch their weasely little asses, but it can be done. And of course, just expect more of that crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, etc…
Keep reminding yourself that all this will make for stories that you will probably laugh a lot about together when she is 30.
Your question seems like a difficult one to answer without more information, though I’m impressed at how well dopers above me have done to offer good advice. Let’s see, we’ve established that you are a single mom and you think dad is crazy. But still, I’d like to know more:
- Do you coordinate parenting strategies with your ex?
- Was there a precipitating event that made your daughter start acting out (a move, the divorce, you getting a new boyfriend, loss of a good friend…?)
- What are you actually worried about, besides your sanity? Does your daughter appear to be at risk of dropping out of school, drinking, getting pregnant?
- What are the rules at your house, especially the ones she finds most objectionable - curfews, chores that are required, limits on what she is allowed to do?
- What are your daughter’s best traits - is she a good student, compassionate to animals, a talented artist, great at making friends, an athlete…?
Etc. I could think of plenty more questions, but you get the idea. Context is always useful.
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Netflix: Bigmouth. Binge watch it. It’s a funny cartoon, but it gospel.
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Be a safe, consistent place for her to turn to. Kids seldom make your life a living hell just for the fun of it. What you experience is usually overflow from what they are dealing with internally. For all the flailing and wailing, she will need a rock. You’re going to get splattered, deal with it and to the best of your ability demonstrate to her what self-restraint, patience, and love look like.
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If you think she needs it, or if she hints at needing it, BIRTH CONTROL. Part of you will resist, squash that part. If she wants ta, she’s goin’ ta. And don’t kid yourself by handing her a box of rubbers her guy(s) will dutifully not use. IUD, shots, implants, pills, whatever works. Be proactive and frank about this–Babby is not something you need her to have on her mind.
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“You can’t make them be you.” Barring significant trauma or god-like parenting skillz, your kid is who she will be by the time she’s, like, 4. Teen years show you the very worst and the very best of who that person is. At this stage you can advise or strongly encourage various choices, but ultimately you’re just a kid with 20-30 more years of experience making mistakes. It’s frustrating as all get out, but you have to let her make mistakes and step in as needed for damage control. Don’t own her mistakes either. Instead, review situations with her and ask, “So, what’s your plan for this one?” and support.
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Pretty much nothing a teen gets up to cannot be fixed, even grades. I went to a very selective private college right out of high school because I was a good student, but I was not ready and damn near flunked out before I got my shit together. I had a close friend who bombed high school, worked for a couple years and then decided she wanted to go to college. She applied to the same place, was turned down, attended community college for a year and got all As, reapplied, got accepted, and graduated cum laude with a double major in 3 years and got accepted into grad school. Similarly, my oldest was too cool for school and barely graduated. She worked a couple years, and is now getting As in nursing school. It all works out. Just don’t panic.
It was worth nothing. Bodenhamer’s recommendations are built solely around the concept of actions have consequences. It’s plain common sense. I agree she’s going to have a harder time because she started later, but the methodology works. I speak from experience.
tuesday, I feel your pain. I have a 14-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl. The boy is a fairly “easy” child, which means that he is an annoying and self-centered teenager but is generally reasonable.
The girl on the other hand is already giving me more trouble than her brother ever has. If she wants something she will not take no for an answer and after about 30 minutes of explaining very calmly why she cannot do what she wants to do and having her argue every little point I lose it and we have an epic shouting match. It is not pretty and it is only going to get worse when she is a teenager. I’m reading this thread with interest - lots of good advice, thanks everyone!
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Unfortunately, collaborative co-parenting is not employed and not for a lack of trying on my part. The ex and I have different parenting styles. My daughter brags “there are no consequences at dad’s house” and I believe her due to constant evidence. When I give a consequence, her dad is quick to bail her out of it. One example: if the consequence is no taxi service from me for a week, she’ll tell her dad and he’ll come by and give her rides.
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Precipitating event: she acquired a boyfriend this past summer and they continue to be an item. He lives in the neighborhood. He is the same age.
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I’m worried because she defies the reasonable rules of the home. I’m worried she is sexually exploring with her boyfriend in a way that is beyond her maturity level. I don’t think she has engaged in intercourse at this point, however, oral sex was referenced in a skype chat left available on the computer screen. I’m worried because every time I attempt to enforce a rule she goes straight to “I’m going to live with my dad”, which would not be in her best interests.
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The rule she finds most objectionable: putting her phone away for the night. Her dad provided her with the phone and does not enforce any time limits with its usage in his home. I, however, established time limits which she agreed to at the onset, but now refuses to abide by. Because I don’t have access to the phone’s service account info, and can’t get it, I don’t know how to cut off access when she refuses to put the phone away. I can’t physically take the phone from her.
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Some of her best traits include being a strong student, being involved in band for many years and enjoying it, and making friends easily (she is very social).
I’m thankful for all of the replies to my post.
I found that threatening them with death by dismemberment worked pretty well.
In my experience as a parent to a teenager, what helped more than anything else was being sure he was physically active.