Parents of teen daughters past and present, how bad is it and what helps?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My daughter will be 12 soon. So the teenage years are getting frighteningly close. I’ve heard many horror stories but I am hoping to also hear some good stories too. Currently my daughter is wonderful. She is smart pretty girl who is doing very well in a very good school in the top classes. She is helpful around the house and a real joy. She is of course the most wonderful daughter ever but that goes without saying. :wink:

  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    a) If so when does it start and end?

  2. How bad was it when she started dating?
    a) When did you allow it?
    b) How did you handle sex ed?
    c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight?

  3. Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
    a) If so does anything help?

  4. Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?

  5. What am I not asking?

2

There are two resources you have at your disposal to ensure that she gets through her teen years smoothly.

Father Karras
Father Merrin

3

I have one daught, now 27 years old.

  1. I don’t think she ever thought her parents were idiots.

  2. She had lots of friends, but I don’t think she was ever in what you would call a dating culture. (She’s Australian). I wasn’t really aware of her having boyfriends until she started going with the young man who’s now her husband.

  3. I don’t think she ever went through a moody phase.

  4. Don’t discourage her from her interests, whatever they are (as long as they aren’t self-destructive). My daughter has practically always been very keen on drama, and is now teaching English and Drama at high school.

On the other hand, I have three sons, and two of them are rather difficult (in the views of my wife and myself), even though they’re both now grown-up. So I suspect you can have problems with any kind of child.

4

1) Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots? Not mandatory, but it probably will happen, no matter how close you are now. It’s a teenager thing, not a teenage girl thing.
a) If so when does it start and end? I think that depends on the kid. My daughter is 16 now, she really only has had bouts of this thought process for about a year and a half – only bouts, not constant. She and I are very close, though – so much so that even strangers have noticed/commented on it.

2) How bad was it when she started dating? Well, it’s kind of weird – she’s dated a few boys, but not really been “into” any of them until this last one. When he first asked her out, he used the “g” word (girlfriend) and she told him off and sent him on his way. :smiley: He’s a good kid (mostly) and we like him, so it’s not horrible. It’s kind of handy, since he drives and she doesn’t – free taxi service!
a) When did you allow it? When she was 14, chaperoned. When she had shown maturity, we allowed unchaperoned, but I still must know where she is at all times.
b) How did you handle sex ed? We started with sex ed when she was a toddler. She understands that sex can lead to pregnancy, illness and death. She also knows that it can be fun and enjoyable. She is on birth control and knows that even that is not 100% and if she chooses to have sex, she still needs to use a condom to protect from STDs. We’re very open about it because I would rather she have protected sex than be afraid to ask about it and end up pregnant or worse. Her cousin’s mother took the head-in-the-sand approach and said cousin started popping kids out at age 12. FUCK THAT!
c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight? Yes. You might find that you like one or two of them if you give them a chance, even.

3) Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody? I think so, yes. But so do boys – it’s hormonal.
a) If so does anything help? Reminding them that you love them no matter what and lots and lots of valium (for you). Actually, it just seems to be something one must just live through. Patience is the only thing that helps – I have very little of this. Actually, this is one of those things that you will appreciate about the dating – when she’s being a shit, you let her go on a date and the boy has to deal with her while you get a much-needed break!

4) Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up? Try to do family outings to science-y places (science museums, etc), bring up science facts that you see/hear/read about – my daughter is a huge science nut, when I see a cool article online, I email her a link. Our dinner table conversations have been very odd because of this. Oh, yeh, that’s another thing – at least one meal a day as a family – be it breakfast, lunch or dinner – no television. It encourages openness and conversation.

*5) What am I not asking? * “Where’s the valium?”

Believe it or not, you will survive this. Have faith in her and in yourself in how you have brought her up so far – things are always better in hindsight than in anticipation.

5

Two daughters, one now 27, one 22.

  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    a) If so when does it start and end?

Not idiots, just evil and horrible and we don’t understand her. I fared better than my wife did, but I usually respond to nasty cracks with humor, while my wife gets upset.

  1. How bad was it when she started dating?
    a) When did you allow it?
    The older one went on feeble “dates” in elementary school - with his parents there. It was
    cute. Understand, today kids don’t date all that much. They hang out with a mixed crew, and then all of a sudden they have a boy friend. The older one had only one real one, who she met at 16 and is now married to.
    b) How did you handle sex ed?
    My wife has a Masters in reproductive physiology, so that was her job. :slight_smile: We told them that birth control pills (at 15 or 16) were perfect for regulating periods, so they got on them quickly. No issues (or issue) resulted.

c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight?
I don’t know about Texas …
3) Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
a) If so does anything help?
Yes. Growing old enough to not be a teenager any more.
4) Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?
Don’t push it. Kids need to experiment. My older daughter acted professionally at 12, and wanted to be a film maker for a while. She acted in a bunch of NYU student films, so this was not as big a fantasy as with some people. She went to a great summer program in California which required a tape of a film she made, made a couple of films, learned to edit, and decided it was not for her. The other one always loved animals, owned a horse, and started double majoring in the Animal Science program in college, and then decided that was not for her. If you follow their lead, they will either decide it is not for them, and not blame you, or grow to love something.

  1. What am I not asking?
    Be prepared for a bunch of "I hate you"s. The most worrisome thing is when they don’t talk. It is much better to listen to them, even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes, then to have them sneaking off to who knows what. And they do eventually figure out you know what you are talking about, though it may take years.
6

I wholeheartedly agree with Voyager. Mine are 23 and 26. It’s not easy, but they do turn out ok eventually. LOL! Oh–you can shoot them in Texas if they’re on your property and you fear there could be a loss of life or property. So if you hit 'em in the street, drag 'em into the yard!

7

As the mother of two teenage girls, I don’t have a lot to add. The most important things I have learned thought is to pick your battles carefully, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Make sure they know you are there for them, and keep open communication. When they come to you for advice or just to talk about their day Don’t Lecture. You can disagree without lecturing.

8

Former teenage girl, so I probably can’t help as much, but…

-Build self-esteem. Not the mindless ‘Sure you can sing you should go on American Idol’ crap, but real, solid self-worth. Believing I was ‘better than’ something or someone prevented me from being in plenty of stupid situations. ‘You really think I’m going to take those drugs? What am I, a crack whore?’ ‘You really think I’m going to sleep with you? What am I, desperate?’ I didn’t really date as a teen (though neither did most of my friends) and am better for it.

-Always be there. Again, not to the point where you have no spine or are letting her get away with murder, but never leave her room angry. I remember those moments well, when I got one, two, three chances to tell a parent what was on my mind or to apologize for something I’d did. They’d often leave angry and I’d feel completely alone. She needs to know that even if she fucks up in every worst way you will be there and you won’t be saying ‘I told you so.’

-Never say ‘Oh it’s hormones’ or ‘You must have PMS’ (I guess that goes for adult women, too), but do give her access to info about what’s going on in her brain and body. Even thorough sex ed doesn’t tend to cover brain development and the effect of hormones. I knew at 14 that I was acting crazy and that I wanted out, but at the very least I could understand why.

9

Excellent advice so far.

My daughter is 17, and although there are difficult days, there aren’t very many of them.

One thing that worked for us was supporting activities she was interested in, even though I sometimes questioned her choices. Positive peer pressure is a wonderful thing. When she entered high school her activities brought her into contact with older girls who were positive role models.

Make friends with her friends. Become the house where her group likes to hang out. If her social group does sleepovers, host them at your house as often as possible.

Good luck!

10

Father of two girls in their last teenage year.

  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    Not necessarily idiots, but there will be some conflict as she continually re-establishes who she is. Mom seems to bear the brunt of conflicts, just as dad generally does with boys.
    a) If so when does it start and end?
    When they’re capable of winning an argument with you. It ends when they leave, or are mature enough to realize some fights aren’t worth it.
  2. How bad was it when she started dating?
    a) When did you allow it? -
    Wasn’t really an issue; we were ready for them to date before they dated. Now, one of them is bringing home her boyfriend for spring break. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that. The other hasn’t ever had a true date.
    b) How did you handle sex ed?
    To my dismay, I’ve had to handle that. I made their first gyn appts. I think all three of us would have been more comfortable with mom handling these things, but there ya go.
    c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight?
    One poster here once said to get a hammer and talk to it, “Would you like to meet Mr. Hammer?” Frankly, their boyfriends to date seemed overly obsequious. (Of course, I have enjoyed pointing out that, “I could take him.”
  3. Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
    Mine did not.
    a) If so does anything help?
    Business trips.
  4. Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?
    One of mine is majoring in physics. :slight_smile: I think just having books around, engaging in stimulating conversation, etc. helps.
  5. What am I not asking?
    You know, I like my teenagers and their friends. The teenage years are not some grim, parenthood death march. I think it helps to enjoy the process of them maturing, and not them being some certain age, if that makes any sense. I think maybe you should be asking, “What will you enjoy most?”
11

Thank you everyone so much so far. It is very heartening. On this board I only seem to see the sob stories and not the good stuff.

I love this one, so …

“What will I enjoy most?”

12
  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    a) If so when does it start and end?

Well… I never thought my parents were idiots, exactly. I’ve known since I was about 5 that my mom was not as smart as my dad and was probably not as smart as me (though she thinks and says the same about herself). Now I think she’s a lot smarter than I thought, just in a different way. And my dad… I thought he was the smartest guy ever until I realized a few years ago that he likes to make up stories and lots of the “cool facts” he knew and the answers to my questions were lies. I still think he’s really smart and knows more than anyone I know and would kick ass on Cash Cab, but I don’t take his word as gospel.

I do think they don’t get it. At all. Like I’ve never been able to talk to them because they just. don’t. understand. I used to think they somehow forgot what it was like to be a kid/teenager, but now I realize part of it is just that we’re really different people and they wouldn’t understand me even if they were my age.

Oh, and I definitely think my dad’s view of the world is wrong and he’s very old-fashioned. He’s Catholic/conservative/republican/etc. who hates the gays and so on. I hope that I never stop thinking he’s wrong for that.

  1. How bad was it when she started dating?
    a) When did you allow it?
    b) How did you handle sex ed?
    c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight?

I don’t really date, but… this depends on your daughter. I have some friends whose parents I feel really sorry for.

As for sex ed, if it were my parents (they never really did anything) I would kind of want them to do something like tell me they wouldn’t be mad if I had sex as long as it was safe, tell me they wouldn’t ask questions if they needed my help to get birth control, and then shut up and walk away really fast.

If there are any other trustworthy adults in the picture who

  1. are not therapists/counselors/etc.
  2. will not tell, are under no pressure to tell, period, ever, no matter what
  3. are not mom or dad. mom and dad are completely chaste. I was fashioned by the hand of God out of raindrops and branches and delivered by a stork onto my parents’ doorstep and it’s the same for my sisters. They know nothing about sex because they have never, not once, done it. ever. especially with each other. They’ve never even thought about it.

that’s also good.

  1. Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
    a) If so does anything help?

Yeah. sorry. I don’t know what there is to help you, but for us (or for me)

  1. Don’t dismiss it as teen angst. Maybe that’s what it is, but it sucks when something is serious to you and nobody takes it seriously. Also realize that some things are probably more serious or suck more than you think.
  2. If you have any insulting jokes that you think are funny and are actually not funny at all, ditch them. Things like, “WOW YOU CAN SEE THE FLOOR” when she cleans her room or “ARE YOU SICK?” if she does something good or, “AWWW YOU POOR FRAGILE PRINCESS” if she’s annoyed/upset/whatever.
  1. Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?

recognize that not every interest has to lead to a career.

Let her be interested in things without telling her why she can never make them a career. Like I won’t tell my parents that I like marine biology class because I know they’ll just tell me again that if I want to be a marine biologist, I’ll have to learn to swim better. Like the thought hadn’t occurred to me yet. “I like marine biology” does not mean the same thing as “I plan to devote my life to marine biology and anticipate absolutely no obstacles.”

and let her be interested in it without insisting that it will totally be a great career. My sister can’t have any hobby or express interest or enjoyment in anything without my parents doing the exact opposite of what they do for me- she likes taking pictures and my parents get all enthusiastic about what great colleges there are for photography and what awesome careers you can have with it, which puts a lot of pressure on her.

13

http://www.hulu.com/watch/37264/american-dad-hayleys-puberty

14

Mother of a 33 year old, and teacher of thousands of the teenage darlings over the years. I really like teenagers - there are MASSIVE benefits to their company - see the end.

  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    a) If so when does it start and end?

Not mandatory, but highly likely. And all part of them gaining independence. The alternative is that you might have them around the house forever!

Varies, but around 12 or 13. Our daughter changed from perfect at 12, to that described often above, for about 2 years. I fared OK, her father (an extremely gentle man) fared very badly. With her first pay packet she took him to a fancy lunch to apologize and thank him for tolerating her! You do regain your intelligence rating pretty fast. Then, when they have children (as she has now) you suddenly become a genius. We are still at genius level - so it is all worth it!

  1. How bad was it when she started dating?

She started dating late, and left home for uni early, so it was out of our control by then.

b) How did you handle sex ed?

As mentioned by others, from a very early age so it was no big deal. Gave her books and made sure she was at a good school - in terms of peers as well as responsible and realistic attitude to sex education. When she wanted advice - and company to go to a doctor - she asked. It often came up naturally as a result of watching something on TV. I just took advantage of those opportunities.
3) Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?

Yes.

a) If so does anything help?

Depends on who you are helping. Lots to help you - like knowing that it is not you, it is natural.

  1. Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?

I taught mostly the sciences and what I noticed about the parents who did well was that they talked about science naturally over dinner - read science journals or articles in the paper - but did not push the idea. Many teenagers have wildly imaginative science ideas. The parents who did well let them run with them even if they knew there was a major flaw to their argument. The response to an interest in an idea doesn’t have to be serious research into the ‘facts’. A mix of science and science fiction and fun in the conversation, with genuine interest in the wild ideas - multiple universes, cross breeding animals of different species, amazing potions. Ask questions - even wild ones. Take the topic from school and ask what really extreme thing could this lead to. Science isn’t all about facts - it’s all about imagination. Sci fi and fantasy are the favorite genres for kids - with good reason.

  1. What am I not asking? The good stuff - which you have now asked. What is the good side?

Teenagers will make you younger if you let them. They will change your thinking and make you see the world - politics, religion, relationships, right and wrong - quite differently. The only rule is that you have to hear them out without disagreeing. It is so easy to realise that they are making unrealistic statements and claim that they will understand better when they are grown up - and have a mortgage and kids. They have enough time for that in the future. Their idealistic black and white version of the world can be very refreshing. So when they agree with someone in the news who you think is a total idiot, your response should be “Why do you agree with them?” and “hmm, really?” and “Hmmmm, interesting, I hadn’t thought of it that way.” You will find it amazing if you can manage it - but it does lead to a bruised and bloody tongue from so much biting. You may even find, as I did, that she was actually right - occasionally!

The content of the conversation is close to irrelevant (unless of course it leads to risky behavior). What matters is that you are respecting her right to an alternative view and, more than that, that you are willing to consider it in terms of your own thinking. You are treating her like an adult, which is what she will want. It makes the big issues easier if you really don’t stress the non-dangerous ones.

I had many long conversations with my daughter and her friends about topics which were not my usual fare - especially on observations on human behaviour and motivations among their friends, teachers, shopkeepers… I grew younger in my thinking because I was forced to reassess my ideas because I didn’t keep reinforcing them by arguing my side. But don’t take it too far. They don’t want you as a friend. That leaves them without the security they need when they are in the insecure phases.

Teenagers are moving from a parent centered world to the adult world, and they oscillate unpredictably from wanting to be grown up to wanting to be secure. I find conversations with teenagers some of the most interesting, if challenging, that I ever have.

15

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is to keep your marriage intact.

16

My daughter is about to turn 17, her older brother left for college this Fall, and I teach math at her high school.

Yes, it’s pretty much mandatory. Deal.

Soon to start, and it may never end. Deal.

You have to get right out of the mindset that you’re in. You will go nuts and drive her away in the process. Today, this is entirely her show and if you don’t turn over the keys to her body soon you will regret it.

No, it’s the luck of the draw.

As previously mentioned, approve of her. That’s it. Stop doing everything else. Just approve, warmly, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, enthusiastically, genuinely.

Work on letting go.

17

One daughter, aged 19.

1) Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots? Not sure. There will be times when she is impatient with your intelligence or lack thereof. Doubt she’ll see you as complete idiot.
a) If so when does it start and end? Ours was about age 14 to about 15 and change. YMMV.

2) How bad was it when she started dating?
It was fine, until the Psycho Mom from Hell broke them up (the boy’s mother, not me). She didn’t date after that. Her choice. She did go to several dances.
a) When did you allow it?
She was in the summer between 8th and freshman year, so almost 15.
b) How did you handle sex ed?
If you’ve waited until 12 to start this, you might as well forget it. This is an ongoing (age appropriate) multi-leveled discussion. There was no one Talk.
c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight? Har har. Not so funny. Why not trust her to make good choices? Why not educate her about the possible “boy types” she might meet out there–the masher, the manipulator, the nice guy (genuine) etc.

3) Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
Dunno. Do boys go through a several year phase when they don’t speak? This is too variable to stereotype, IMO.
*a) If so does anything help? * Patience. Teens need as much sleep as infants (IMS) and they are going through hormonal changes and social issues etc. You were moody, too.

4) Right now she is interested in science and I think I have had a lot to do with that. How do I keep it up?
I’d share her interest. Find stuff on astronomy (funny stuff like that one astrophysicist getting hate mail from 3rd graders for downgrading Pluto etc), biology or whatever. Don’t lecture her. Don’t stress the importance of science.

5) What am I not asking?

You didn’t ask how you can help her feel like an adult woman: this is a fine line and each situation is unique. She needs to know from YOU (not just mom), that she is attractive, intelligent, poised etc. Show her you value her as a person, not just a set of good grades or nice manners to your friends. Listen to her. Take an interest in her concerns. Show her you trust her. Allow her to make some decisions and bite your tongue and let her learn from her mistakes. Where else does wisdom come from but mistakes once made and learned from?

FWIW, I think you’re a good dad already. There’s a lot of nonsense written about being the parent of teens. It’s not that bad (for me. Knock wood). My kids don’t climb out of windows to break curfew or experiment with every illicit substance there is. Some kids are just that way. Some kids seem to want to redefine rebellion in the worst way possible. There’s no telling (and I’m not judging). I hope you have an easy time of it.

(I wish I had had the dad in Sixteen Candles. My dad was not only absent from the home, he was controlling and hyper-critical when I did see him. It did not make things better for me). Doing so may not seem to help, but I think it will in the long run. Also, once she does grow up and move away, continue to tell and show her that you value her. She may be 35 or whatever and have a mortgage and kids of her own, but she still needs to know that she’s your little girl (or daughter) and that you love her. (Gee, this isn’t hitting too close to my bones, nope, not at all…)

18

My daughter is just a little over a year older than yours, so I’ll tell you what I do and let you know whether or not it works. My daughter is a lot like yours, probably less helpful around the house and prone to slobbishness mostly in her room, but has a habit of taking her socks off wherever she pleases and tucks them away in secret hiding places. She’s smart, pretty, fairly athletic and artistically and academically gifted to some extent. She turned 13 this past December.

So far we haven’t hit the “parents are idiots stage”, but she does occasionally clash with her mom. She also won’t let her mother leave the house in clothes which she deems embarassing – mom is a nerd in the classic sense and it shows in her dress at times. I go out of my way to find excuses to talk with her, about nothing, mostly, but it does give me an opportunity to sometimes get information out of her without the need to be too direct.

She is not dating yet, although she does go to school dances and sometimes the girls go out and meet up with boys. So far it’s only been boys her own age and they tend to be smaller than the girls at this point. She asked me about a year or so ago, at about your daughter’s age, when she would be old enough to have a “boyfriend”. My rule on this is that she can only have a boyfriend if he is mature enough to meet me. There was a boyfriend, once, for about a week, but he fell out of disfavor before he got to meet me. There are also several boys that I think pine for her and her friends. She’s in drama and does school plays and they go and watch horrible middle school plays, so there must be something besides idle curiosity there. I think real “dates” need to wait for a while yet, and it has not been an issue to date.

We suspect that part of the reason for this is she is “too smart”; she scored the highest in sixth grade (last year) on the AMC and third best in the whole school which goes through eighth. I believe, supported by some studies, that participating in sports increase their self esteem and keeps them from becoming sexually active earlier than necessary. I don’t want to deny my kids their sexuality, but feel that there is pressure to get into things earlier than they are emotionally ready. My hope is that she’ll progress to that stage of her life when she’s ready and not because friends or media or whoever seems to think it’s appropriate.

I have either coached or helped out with her soccer teams since she was six and she does some things that make me beam with pride. This season I loved that she makes sure she says goodbye to every girl on her team after every practice, to make sure that even the newer ones or the ones who aren’t as good feel included. She doesn’t gather her friends based on looks or clique, and seems to genuinely like people on the basis of their character.

A couple of the “little” things: we started jogging together this past autumn, inspired by the Couch to 5K thread here in MPSIMS. She didn’t always run, sometimes having other stuff, like practice or homework, but generally runs with me 1-2 times a week. This becomes a great opportunity to talk, as we spend about 45 minutes doing this and there’s really not much else to do. Mostly it’s lighthearted, silly stuff, but sometimes some meaningful stuff leaks in. And I do believe that lighthearted and silly holds a purpose. If nothing else it allows her some time to remain a child.

We allow her to watch shows with more adult themes than her younger brother, but will watch with her or pre-screen for inappropriate stuff. Mostly this just means discussing that “television and the movies doesn’t equal real life” and why do media tend to exaggerate or simplify certain things.

I tend to travel a lot for work, so when I call home I make sure to let her know that she is loved. Her mother didn’t have a great relationship with her own mom, so when they butt heads I make sure that mama goes and reminds her daughter that even when they don’t get along that she still loves her. This is, in my opinion, extremely important. Talk to her about what shes going through and let her know that this is normal and you’ll be patient and there for her when she’s ready. Maintain boundaries but let the boundaries expand, so that they feel like they are in control, to some extent, but that things are not out of control.

19

Speaking as someone who has herself been a teenager daughter within the past decade, I just want to throw one thing out there: when I was 14, there was this Whole Big Thing which I at first was not directly involved in, but then intentionally involved myself in, and there ended up being a Board of Education meeting about this Whole Big Thing, and it was a Whole Big Mess. Shortly after the Whole Big Mess finally was settled my mom was driving me somewhere and the topic came up. She said something along the lines of, “Well, you know, I wouldn’t have done what you did. But you thought about it, and you felt that your way was the best way to handle it, and you followed through until the end. And that makes me very proud of you.” It has been eight years since that conversation and it still makes me feel good when I remember it.

She is not you and you cannot expect her to be you. She will not think exactly the way you do and she will not act exactly as you would. She will be very aware of this. It’s good to tell her that you don’t want her to just mimic, you want her to be her own person.

ETA - Also, I’m sure she has no idea I still remember that so vividly or that it meant anything to me. Teenagers can be very stealthy about what they’re really paying attention to.

20

I think most of it has been covered already, but I wanted to throw in something my sister used with her kids, all the way up, but especially when they were teenagers. Car time. You’re probably giving her rides to various places anyway. Somehow, being in the car makes it easier to talk about random stuff. If you give them a chance they’ll talk, when otherwise they might not. I think it’s because they don’t have to look at you, and you’re both kind of doing something else.

I was never as good at that as my sister was, but I still think it’s a good idea.