Experience with kids dating

In My Humble Opinion
1

My eldest went on her first date a couple of weeks ago. And I thought it would be interesting to hear your opinions/experiences, either with respect to your kids for you fossils out there, our the personal experiences of you young whelps.

My daughter’s date was not that big of a deal. She has a group of maybe 6 kids - boys and girls - she has hung with the last couple of years. Most of them are in the band or orchestra. Many are interested in forensics or theater. They get good grades. They play D&D. A couple of them are atheists, and at least one is out as gay. They clearly consider themselves “NOT” poulars, but I think they have quite a bit going for them. They hang out at each others’ houses a lot, including ours, and I know all of them.

Now they are HS freshmen. There is one kid, that my wife and I have wondered if he and my daughter were maybe going from good friends to boyfriend/girlfriend. But my daughter said no, and we didn’t make any deal out of it.

The first HS dance came up. As I understand it, my daughter and he were discussing whether or not they would be going. I guess the conversation went along the lines of, “If I WERE going, I’d like to go with you.” So I’m not sure who asked who out.

But he showed up at the door with a flower. In my book, that qualifies as a date. Later on, my wife says something along the lines of, “If ever there was a girl ready to be kissed, our daughter is.” WTF?! I don’t mind that he is a freshman and his mom had to drive him - instead of a drop out with a van.

Now for homecoming, they are talking about just going as a group. Some other guy called her, but she didn’t want to go with him, so she turned him down (politely.) One part of me said, “YES! At least she’s being asked!” It would be sad if she wanted to go, but had no one to go with.

Ms. D and the kid came home with a strapless number the kid looks drop dead gorgeous in. I asked if they couldn’t get one that was less revealing, and they say this WAS one of the less revealing ones.

I trust my kid a ton. She is really bright and seems to have good common sense. She seems to hang with a good group of kids and all. But I know what a sex obsessed little pervert wannabe I was at that age!

Just wondering what thoughts/experiences you guys might want to share about the dating game. Help me benefit from your successes and failures. What worked well, and what would you do differently. It is so funny when the kids grow into a new stage, and I start thinking, “What would Ward Cleaver do in this situation.” (Well, Ward only had boys, but you know what I mean!)

2

Well Dinsdale, I’ll join the ranks of being a fellow fossil. I am newly retired and my wife and I recently ‘got rid of’ our youngest daughter. She is 23 and the youngest of three. 2 Girls one Boy. :smack: two women one man!!

Anyway, our boy is the middle child, we did not have much trouble with him when he was in school, normal boyish things I guess. He started liking and dating girls around 14 and by 16 he had a steady girlfriend.

Now my eldest daughter, was a hand full when it came to dating, she is 33 now and was in high school during the 80’s. Sex was thought of much differently back then, this is when Aids was just coming on board and it was still thought only homosexuals got it. Her mother actually put her on the Pill with out telling me(DIFFERENT STORY ALL TOGETHER). I guess she knew our daughter would be sexually active at some point, and wanted to play it safe. But I was an open advocate of informing our children of everything! Not keeping any secrets in the family and being open and honest was the only way to avoid ever having to tell a lie.

But the main line of defense we took with all of our children was to make sure they were all well informed of the consequences of their actions. Also, because my wife and I were raised in very Catholic Families, we were trying to get away from putting our children through what we had to go through. Nuns drilling into our heads that we would go to hell for having sex before marriage, say a hundred rosaries for masturbating etc…etc…

So I would say you are on the right track sir, because you seem to be well educating your kids about the do’s and don’ts. And your daughter seems to have a level head on her shoulders. Remember they are a product of their biology as well as their environment. What you do and how you react to their situations will dictate their behaviors, whether or not they admit it or not.

sorry ladies but… Our son was much easier to handle than both our daughters. Teenage girls were a handful.

But as long as they know they are responsible for their own actions and they have a good head on their shoulders, they’ll turn out wonderful adults. It’s getting through the teen years that makes adults who they are!

3

LALALALALALALALALA I can’t hear you…

The Boy is 8, almost 9. Fortunately for me, he will never want to date, because I say so.

LALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAA

4

Semi-young whelp checking in. Dinsdale, it really sounds like you’re on the right track. Your daughter and her friends sound a lot like the crowd I hung out with. It’s great that your house is one that your daughter’s friends choose to hang out in. That definitely gives you a leg up over parents who don’t know their kids’ friends.

My parents always made it clear that my (boy)friends were welcome at our house when they were home, and they were usually willing to give us some privacy. I wasn’t allowed to have boyfriends over when they weren’t home. That system worked well for my family. I know it’s probably squicky to think that your daughter is making out in one room while you’re watching TV in another, but my mom’s attitude was “At least I know where you are and who you’re with.”

The older I get, the more I realize how much my father influenced my ideas about what men should do and be. By being a loving and responsible man, you are providing your daughter with a really important role model. Likewise, your own marriage gives your kids a blueprint of what they can expect in a relationship. If you and your wife are kind and respectful to each other, your kids will see that as the norm for relationships.

5

Man, I was planning on going out tonite w/ my wife and another couple to see a movie and quaff a couple of microbrews.

The kid wants to know if she can have friends over.

So as to not to have to deal with her having people over while we’re out, we’ll pick up a DVD and watch something at our house. Just have to make sure us old farts don’t set a bad example for the young’uns. Maybe a nice game of Twister?

6

First: How cute!

Second: I’m 23 - is that “young whelp” territory still? :wink:

In any case, your kid seems to know what she wants to do (in terms of romantic relationships) & what she doesn’t & can communicate that well.

I think that a lot of that comes from the way in which the child’s raised; you & her mother seem to be doing a good job. Trust, talking & mutual respect are essential. It worked with me, anyway.

My parents were like Burundi’s - my parents always wanted to meet & get the first & last names of my boyfriends. When I was your daughter’s age, boyfriends were only to come over when at least one of my parents was home. We were allowed to stay in my bedroom with the door closed - it has no lock.

My folks always asked where a boyfriend & I were going when we left the house & let me know at what time they expected me back. They also told me to leave a number at which I could be reached.

I followed the rules. Granted, I wasn’t a wild child who broke various rules with regularity, but your kid doesn’t seem to be wild, either.

As I got older & more mature, the rules slackened appropriately, a little at a time - around age 16, things with boyfriends got more…intense, shall we say. Yet, I was incredibly careful about using protection, knew what my personal boundaries were, & was sure that I deserved to be treated with respect. Why? That was what my parents had taught me from when I was small.

Keep on doing what you’re doing, set proper boundaries for her, let her know that she can talk to you, her mother, or perhaps another relative, & I think she’ll probably navigate dating just fine.

Oh…I forgot…Sitting on the front porch with a shotgun when you know a date of hers is going to show up probably isn’t the best idea, no matter how right it might feel. :wink:

7

Hey, 15-year-old girl here. First of all, I would like to say that you had better not be overprotective. That just pushes us further away. Also, my father walked in on me and my guy making out. He just left us alone and gave me a brief lecture on how that was normal behavior at my age, and that it was ok so long as zippers stayed up. (of course, this was accompanied by me rolling my eyes, that’s practically required.) And guess what? Zippers have stayed up. Just don’t be too forceful on anything, let your daughter know that you are understanding on the whole issue. Fathers sometimes have a bit of trouble realizing that their daughters have grown up. She’s not a little girl anymore. However, if you respect that, she is much more likely to be a good, innocent kid. If you have any questions about her behavior, be sure to let me know. Maybe I can help interperet.

8

Thanks, all.
Update, for those of you who wish to vicariously experience my kid’s dating, and her dad’s angst.
Fri noght she had her BF and another girl over. They were in the basement while we and another couple watched a movie downstairs. When my friends were going to go, we all went downstairs (this couple has known our kids well for a long time, and wanted to say goodnight). When I got downstairs, my daughter was staning next to the guy, with her head on his shoulder. My first thought was, “Aww, how cute! My second thought was, “Hey, wait a minute!”
The next day, I was out gardening when she came home from a football game - had a few minutes before a band competition in the evening. She came outside and I told her, the guy seems really nice, I’m really happy for her, and I undoubtedly sound like a total jerk, but I’m gonna exercise my prerogative as a dad and say when I come into the room I wanna see som air between them.” (Adopting a kinda light tone.) She jjust said “Sure” and that was that.
She had a couple of friends over, brother and sister, soph and sr. Seemed like really good kids. I chatted with them as they got lemonade. Long story short, the next morning she says the sophmore kid asked her to the dance and she accepted.

9

Thanks, all.
Update, for those of you who wish to vicariously experience my kid’s dating, and her dad’s angst.
Fri noght she had her BF and another girl over. They were in the basement while we and another couple watched a movie downstairs. When my friends were going to go, we all went downstairs (this couple has known our kids well for a long time, and wanted to say goodnight). When I got downstairs, my daughter was staning next to the guy, with her head on his shoulder. My first thought was, “Aww, how cute! My second thought was, “Hey, wait a minute!”
The next day, I was out gardening when she came home from a football game - had a few minutes before a band competition in the evening. She came outside and I told her, the guy seems really nice, I’m really happy for her, and I undoubtedly sound like a total jerk, but I’m gonna exercise my prerogative as a dad and say when I come into the room I wanna see som air between them.” (Adopting a kinda light tone.) She jjust said “Sure” and that was that.
She had a couple of friends over, brother and sister, soph and sr. Seemed like really good kids. I chatted with them as they got lemonade. Long story short, the next morning she says the sophmore kid asked her to the dance and she accepted.

10

Sorry bout that. Not sure what happened. Early post and double at that! Sorry I didn’t even clean up the typos.

What I was gonna say was, I figure I can’t get too hung up in all the minutiae of her social life. There’s just too much going on.

I asked the wife if she thought there was anything wrong with her going with a different guy. I guess she had earlier been asked by yet another guy, and she asked the first guy if he wanted to go together, and he said he’d rather go with their group as friends. I guess my kid decided she would rather go with a date. IMO, the first guy blew it. But I respect the fact that she was up front with him - and us - all along the way.

Oh yeah, Ms. D independently told the kid to cut down on overt physical contact around other people, as it may have been uncomfortable for their 3d guest on Fri.

Glad we’re sending consistent signals independently.

And please don’t accuse me of being too much of a prude. I know where the kids are going. I just want to let the know I’m aware of that, and hopefully encourage them to make intelligent choices as the process unfolds, instead of being in too much of a rush and getting over their heads too early. What I’m happiest about is that she still talks to us about such things.

11

Middle aged father checking in. My son is now 20 and my daughter just turned 18. Dinsdale, as you are aware from my recent thread in MPSIMS, I have some experience with teen age daughters. ~wry grin~

I can tell that you already possess the most important thing… a sense of humor. (Trust me, there is going to come a time when you’re going to need it.)

I believe that exhibiting trust and respect for your daughter as an individual is important. Being a good role model is crucial.

Instilling a good sense of ethics and values is critical, but those are pretty much set in place by now. It’s essentially too late to try and change things.

The experiences I have had with my two teenagers are worlds apart from what dating life was like when I was in high school. Back in my day, you were pretty much an outcast if you weren’t going steady with someone. These days (at least around here) the couple “going together” is quite a rarity. The vast majority of the time it has been a handful of girls going out with a handful of guys. Dating has become a group activity.

Except of course for Homecoming and Prom. (although, this year as Seniors, my daughter and her girlfriends are all going as a group… they’re even going to grill out rather than go to a fancy restaurant).

So anyway, I suspect you’re looking for more pragmatic thoughts about dating. In no particular order, here are some we found helpful.

a) Provide a refuge. We deliberately made our home a place where our kids and their friends wanted to hang out. Anyone was welcome. Food and soft drinks were plentiful. The basement was comfortable with a nice TV, pool table, foosball, darts, etc. We knew we’d rather have our kids here than somewhere else.

b) ET phone home. Our kids were required to phone home with every change in location. If they said they were going over to Suzy’s house, and then later the group decided to go over to Andy’s house, they had to call and let us know. We told them that no matter how hard they tried to cover it up, we’d find out. Sure enough, each of my kids tried… once. They got found out. (Granted, I’m realistic enough to know that they probably got away with it other times)

c) Make the punishment fit the crime. Don’t threaten something that you have no real intention of carrying out. You just lose credibility.

d) No one of the opposite sex was allowed at our house if neither one of us was home. And neither my son nor daughter were allowed at someone else’s house in a mixed group if no adult was present.

e) No fault return policy. We made it very clear to our kids that they could call us anytime, from anywhere, to come pick them up. And we would come pick them up with no questions asked. (As an aside, we also made this policy clear to our kids’ friends… if they ever needed a ride home from somewhere, they could call us and we would come get them. Only happened once, but that girl is grateful to this day.)

f) Cellular comfort. We decided the extra expense of providing a cellular phone to our kids was worth the psychological comfort. This is pretty much a given these days, but six years ago it was not as common as today.

g) Good cop, bad cop. We let our kids know that if they were ever uncomfortable about doing something (going to a questionable party for example) they could always blame us as the bad guys (“My parent’s won’t let me go.”)

h) For Homecoming and Prom, where their goal is to stay awake as long as possible, give your kids a safe place to go. This is closely related to (a). For example, this past year we volunteered to have as many kids as wanted to, show up at our house for breakfast after the official post-prom lock-in party. So we had about 100 kids show up at our house at 4:30 am. It was a wonderful experience.

i) Alcohol and drugs. They were told that if they were at a party and alcohol or drugs appeared, they were to disappear.

Other advice? Well, you’ll get what you expect. And the corollary is you’ll continue to get what you accept. This is just a manifestation of the trust and respect I mentioned earlier.

Pick your battles carefully. It pays to be flexible and reasonable. Sometimes though, when it is clear that you should not bend, then be firm. They really do want to know where you stand. (for example, we remained firm on our prohibition on tattoos until they turned 18; yet were flexible when my son wanted an ear pierced (“you let her do it when she was 12, why not me?”… why not indeed.)

And be careful about making superficial judgements. I learned from my son’s friends that the weirdest (ie-most pierced) looking kids can sometimes be the nicest. This lesson was helpful when my daughter started hanging out with others.

I’ve been lucky. My kids have choosen to hang around with a generally good group of kids. It sure makes life less stressful when you know they’re with a whole group that you trust.

I hope there is something in here that is helpful to you. Good luck.

12

Dinsdale - As a relatively new father, I am not old enough, or experienced enough, to offer any advice as eloquent as Algernon’s. However, as I read this thread (along with several others which have been up recently), I have come to appreciate the truly amazing capacities of this community.

My own personal dating experiences ran the gamut from horrifying (an older “woman” picked me up for a date before I was old enough to drive and asked my Dad what time I had to be home) to the traumatizing (a girlfriend’s mother called my mother to inform her that she had discovered that I was having sex with her daughter - whoa that was a lot of personal pronouns, I hope everyone was able to parse that). In any case, I was (am) the oldest of five siblings and had a lot of ground to break with Mom and Dad. Throughout the entire tumultuous span of my dating life under their roof they never wavered in their expectations of me as well as their stance on what was acceptable. We often did not see eye-to-eye on many (perhaps most) of the issues I faced but I never had to guess about how they felt about anything. I guess what I’m trying to say is that now that all of that crap is behind me, I can actually appreciate them and the stances they took. Clear expectations coupled with clear consequences was pretty fundamental to my growing up into a decent human (I hope - its a work in progress). I think that its the best thing I can offer my own kids.

Algernon -

Beautifully said.

13

Ol’Gaffer, thanks for your kind words.

Dinsdale, I forgot a few. They’re all related. Permit me to append my previous list…

j) Does anybody really know what time it is? Curfew. We had a very strange policy. We never set a fixed time. When our kids first began to go out with friends, they’d ask if there was a special time they had to be home. We’d ask “what do you think is reasonable?” They’d give an answer and if that was OK with us, we’d go with it. If not, we’d suggest an alternative. They would nearly always provide a time that was acceptable to us because nearly all their friends had a specific curfew. The negotiated result was acceptable to both (well… usually, sometimes we were uncomfortable and sometimes he/she was upset), and then we said “OK, that’s the agreed upon time, be home by then.”

k) Home late. If they missed it by 5 or 10 minutes, it wasn’t a problem. Much more than that though and we’d express our mild displeasure. Sometimes they’d be late if they offered to drive a friend home, but they (nearly) always called to let us know.

l) Wake us up. Whenever they got home, an ironclad rule was to wake one of us up. This served two purposes: first, they could never claim they got home sooner than they really did, and second, we could rest easy knowing they were home. (This rule was a direct result of my own teenage experiences… I used to tell my folks I got home up to two hours before I really arrived. If they knew, they never let on.)

Ooh, ooh. One more thing that’s helpful. Be slow to anger. There’s very often another side to the story that needs to be heard.

14

17 year old guy here…
Everything was fine with my gf’s parents for about 10 months or so…

Things went fine the first time I met her dad, shook hands, just talked to him. Didn’t like her mom that much, but I was nice to her parents so I didn’t say anything.

I realize my gf’s being overworked by her parents (they own a video store), I talk to her about it, she talks to her parents about it… A little progress is made. yay. She’s now paid $2 an hour rather than $1.50 (yes, I’m pissed, but it’s an improvement).

And suddenly her parents decide we can only talk 3 times a week on the phone for 15 min. We live 40 miles apart and see each other about 45 min a day.

So I start to get a little pissed… But I can’t say anything.

Then my gf goes to her parents about birth control. We’ve been going out about 11 months, her mom was always one of those types who said “just come to me if you need birth control, I just want you to be safe.” Then I get a death threat from her dad, I can’t drive on any of our dates (her parents have to drive her to and from wherever, we’re both 17 years old and seniors in HS)

Her parents won’t let her go to any parties, it’s all just school functions or the movie theater. Just from what her parents have told me in odd conversations over the last 11 or so months I know they’ve both had fun teenage years (the stories of parties, friends etc…)
But myself and my gf has as much freedom as I did when I was 13.

And so now I have a death threat, no driving privlidges for dates, less dates/time on the phone.

And we went to a football game for our school last week. We were sitting far away from the bleachers and we didn’t stand for the national anthem. We weren’t like the stupid people buying pizza or on their cell phones, I’m just not a patriotic person.
I get a very stern lecture from her dad who “NEVER WANTS TO SEE THAT EVER AGAIN!!!”

And I call my gf today because I will be in her area tomorrow afternoon (my sister has a track practice and I’ll be in the area at this time). Her dad answers, loudly reminds me that it’s not a tuesday, thursday or saturday, then after I explain that I just found out today he gives me a quick “she can’t go. School night.”
So I thank him for his time (I’ve always been polite, right after he gave me a death threat I offered to help him at his construction site as a volunteer), at which time he says “BYE” and hangs up.
Not a single “You have a good night also”, or “Thanks”.
Just a “bye”.

And the last time I saw him he wouldn’t respond to me when I said “have a good night”, TWICE! to his face!!

And so now I’ve got the death threat, assorted strong lectures, no driving privlidges for any dates, less dates/time on the phone, AND I’m being ignored when I’m polite to him.

Go fucking figure.

15

Damn… I just read my post. sorry about the ranting… I just started typing. and if a mod would like to uh… edit my post where it’s not appropriate for this forum it’s k.

I just love my gf so much… lots of shit with her parents, kinda fit into this, sorry if it was off topic.

16

Can’t give you any advance Dinsy but, I bet you’ll have a thing or two to say to your daughter if she ever takes someone by the hand, aye?

17

Omni, you’re a BUM! :wink:

Algernon, yer a prince. Great rules. I actually went over the first batch with her while driving her to flute lesson last night. Really informally (at least in my befuddled aged mind.) They all come out just like common sense, and are very similar to what we had said before. One thing we don’t have is a 2d cell phone, but she brought up how easy it is to make sure she has change in her backpack and flute case, so she can always find a pay phone.

She also said she really needs us to carry our cell. For example, one time she was at some band stuff, and we were out, and they got back much earlier than expected. The whole band went to one kid’s house to watch movies, and my kid wanted to make sure we didn’t head straight to pick her up at the original time and place. But we came home first, and she had left a note.

The late night thing is tough, mainly because Ms. D and I go to sleep so early. She says she tries to get rides so as not to inconvenience us. I guess I could have her wake me up when she gets home. So far, late nights have been from band competitions and other chaperoned activities.

When I mentioned no guys in the door without a parent home, she agreed, but said it was tough over the weekend, when she had not cleared it with us beforehand, and she wanted to bring this brother and sister over during a break in activities. (We live 1/2 mile from the HS, and we want to encourage our kids to have our home be a place where kids can just naturally go before and after school activities.) We agreed that some of the rules might need common sense tweaking. And that a brother/sister during a prescheduled activity were different than just a boyfriend.

She said she told the 1st boy about her date, and he seemed relieved. She said she didn’t think he was ready for “real” dating yet, other than like holding hands. Which, of course, prompted me to inquire exactly what “real” dating entailed?! Followed by the obligatory eyeroll.

This is neat stuff. The next time someone starts one of those “Why have kids?” debates in GD, I’ll have to put in my 2 cents. It just seems you’d be missing out on a lot if you didn’t get to go thru this kind of stuff.

18

Dinsdale, based on what you’ve shared about you, Mrs. D, and your daughter, I think you’re doing everything right.

You have a good relationship, you have a great sense of humor, you’ve exhibited pragmatic flexibility… heck, the fact that you even care about doing things right tells me you’ll be fine.

These years ahead of you are a whirlwind: it moves fast, it is sometimes tumultuous, it is a continual blur of activity, and yet it ends before you know it. In a way I’m envious because these years are now in my past.

Your daughter seems like a cool kid. But I’m biased to band kids. Back in my day there was no such thing as competitive band so I got my musical competition needs fulfilled via Drum and Bugle Corps… an activity I participate in even to this day.

The experiences I had in Drum and Bugle Corps were as influential in turning the boy I was then into the man I am today, as anything else in my life.

While my wife and I can objectively claim a lot of successes in raising our kids, my one profound failure was my inability to instill in either of them the love of playing a musical instrument. Oh well. I didn’t expect to hit a grand slam when I started this game anyway.

One more thing. Take advantage of the fact that your daughter and their friends can’t yet drive themselves, and volunteer to drive them places. It is amazing what you can learn by listening to them talk in the back seat (why they think I wasn’t listening is beyond me. ~mischievous grin~)

19

I think you’re fully entitled to that rant, what a horrible unplesant person. Also my compliments on being nice to a guy like that, to me you certainly seem more mature than him.

Btw. I never had a time where I where supposed to be home or any rules about drinking/ being with girls, I guess the situation is quite different here, my parents wheren’t especially uncaring or anything - it was just kind of a silent agreement that I wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to.

20

I would like to emphasize that fact that as teens, we need to make our own mistakes. You can’t protect us all the time. The more overprotective my parents become, the more times I have actually thought, “why bother staying a good kid if they don’t appreciate it? Might as well do other stuff.” I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’m a virgin. And they don’t seem to appreciate this; on the contrary, they just impose more and more restrictions.

You, Dinsdale, seem to be doing a great job. The fact that you are so flexible will help prevent your daughter from feeling a need to break out of her bonds.

Another thing I would like to add is that when you tell your daughter to do something, and she argues against it, don’t just say “I told you so” That’s a real good way to lose her respect. Instead, actually consider her arguments and explain to her rationally why they won’t work.

Oh, and one more thing- Us teenage girls can be really emotional sometimes. Often, we will break into tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Sometimes there is an explanation, sometimes there isn’t. You can ask ONCE, but don’t push. If we want to talk to you, we will. If not, pushing for an answer will only push us further away. Just let us know that you care and are willing to listen.

Sounds like you are doing great, Dinsdale. Good luck!