Parents of teen daughters past and present, how bad is it and what helps?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Thanks everyone for the posts. They are all very helpful and informative. I know my niece and my sister never went through a bad phase and always stayed close but my niece hated her Dad for an extended period.

I am happy to report that on everything but the sex ed front I appear to be doing the right thing. (My wife is handling this though.) This spring I will have to get back to taking bike rides with my daughter and similar activities. I was very bad about it last year. We do a lot of museums, zoos, aquariums and science centers. In fact we are members in the Wildlife Conservation Society which operates the Bronx Zoo, New York Aquarium, Central Park, Queens, and Prospect Park Zoos. I help her with her homework and we do a lot of projects together. In fact we just made a wood cut Okapi puzzle for her.

I am a little surprised by how early some kids seem to be dating and then others don’t date much at all. I am probably a bit of a dinosaur on this front.

Thank you all again, Dopers are great.

22

Define dating. To some parents, it’s the formal thing where the boy comes to the house, does a meet and greet and then takes the girl off somewhere. To others, it’s her showing an interest in a boy. Or a boy calling her over a few days/weeks.

IMO, the lower key you can be re dating (not “anything goes”, but not weird about it–see Pit thread re this very subject), the better things will be.

23

To me it means the boy actually taking the girl out on a date. Which pit thread?

24

Pit thread: Fathers of daughters: Do you think all men are scum till proven otherwise? - The BBQ Pit - Straight Dope Message Board

25

Thank you, I should have guessed. I did not read the thread, but Skald’s title was a small part of what inspired me to start this thread.

26

Not a parent, but as a former teenaged girl: It was when I was about 12-13 that my mom started muttering, “I hope you have 10 just like you!”

Now she claims I ran off to college just as I was turning human again.

So there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…

27

Heh, I’m 25 and I don’t get it either. But I was never very good at social situations when I was a teenager - surprisingly, I like teenagers much better now, when I’m not one of them anymore. It’s much easier to get along with them when you don’t have to play by their social rules.

I remember that “dating” really took off in grade six and seven, but that was the old-fashioned type. Parents drove the girl and the boy to the movies, picked them up when it was done. Only the really popular girls (and boys, I suppose) dated at this age.

In late high school, people tended to get together with a guy from their extended group of friends. Since I was involved in very girl-heavy activities, like music, the few guys in this group could go through three or four girls in the group in a row - which naturally led to DRAMA. I have only one friend who started dating a guy in her geography class who she was not friends with before, nor friends with his friends, and they got married last year. It seems more likely to work than when you’re only dating someone because he’s the only available guy in your group!

28

DISCLAIMER: IANADad, but having watched my dad raise my sister (very well, I hasten to add):

Girls of all ages need their dads’ love, consistently. Don’t be afraid to hug her and show affection. If she has a boundary and you’re close to crossing it, she’ll let you know. Respect it.

Don’t treat her menstrual cycle as something to be dreaded and feared. If you expect her to be psychopathic and unmanageable during her period, she will be. If you treat it as just another part of life, it will be just that - another part of life.

Don’t fear her dating. If she gets what she needs from you (love, attention, etc.) she won’t seek it out from boys. Teach her to respect herself and she’ll expect boys to respect her. Teach her to defend herself - maybe even enroll her in martial arts - but don’t treat all boys as The Enemy.

Don’t attempt to intimidate boys that she dates - that will just driver your daughter to feel like she’s being persecuted. Shake their hands, introduce yourself, offer them a soda, etc.

29

Never had kids, but as far as thinking parents/adults are idiots, my sister found it helpful when I told her teenaged daughter;

“Your world is this big” (holds hands to size of basketball)
“And you know this much of it” (holds hands very slightly smaller)
“Therefore you think you know everything. However, the world is…well, the size of this planet. And you only know this much of it (hands to size again). One of the biggest things you’re ever going to learn as an adult is how much you don’t know.”

30

Since you asked, things I enjoy about teenagers (I don’t think it is gender specific).

With any luck, you share some interests in which they can now carry on intelligent conversations. Ancient history is a bit of a hobby of mine, but I know no one (IRL) with whom I can converse about it, except one of my girls. She has introduced me to a bit of linguistics. Whether we share some interests and aptitudes because of nature or nurture is irrelevant. Even if none of yours share a hobby with you, they are just better conservationists.

They occasionally do something handy. One daughter knitted me some mittens I use to run on cold days. Her twin sister will run with me. My sons have figured out that if they bake cookies, there are cookies around to eat, which I find no end of useful.

Their friends and acquaintances can do things or make things that bring joy. One of my girls’ best friends is one heck of an artist. Yeah, as a young girl she could draw. Now she produces art. My son can play the violin well. One of his friends is incredible. I truly enjoy going to their concerts. I would otherwise probably never hear classical music performed live, as Mrs. Slow does not share my interest.

You have someone to commiserate with about your spouse, or even yourself. You are both closer to being real people to each other. (“I hate it when mom does X.” “Yeah, it pisses me off too. She’s gotten [better, worse]… Once she…” ) As long as it not simply bitching. They can even help settle disagreements. (“No dad, you way overreacted…”)

You can tell them the occasional dirty joke. Go see a movie your spouse has no interest in. Talk about music and groups. Any number of things you can’t do with a child.

They can push you to try things you might otherwise never do. It can be as simple as a ski run you never take, or volunteering for something you hadn’t thought of. Girls will even swap clothes with mom, if they are the right size, helping mom to try styles she wouldn’t otherwise.

There are things I do well, and take pride in, but Mrs. Slow disdains. Seeing my kids’ friends give them respect, because I can do something well is strangely gratifying.

There’s more, of course. You are not their friend, but your relationship is more mature, better, and deeper.

31
  1. Is it mandatory that she goes through a phase where she thinks my wife and I (especially I the Dad) are idiots?
    a) If so when does it start and end?

Both my daughters went through this. It started in the early teens and ended in both cases when they were living somewhere else, as in away at college. My younger daughter was a real problem at home until she was at college and began to realize how good she had it.

  1. How bad was it when she started dating? Bad. Really. Bad.
    a) When did you allow it? High school
    b) How did you handle sex ed? Reasonably well, all things considered.
    c) Is it really illegal in all 50 states to shoot would be dates on sight? Unfortunately, yes.

  2. Do most girls go through a several year phase where they are very moody?
    a) If so does anything help?

It is not at all uncommon. Nothing helps except time.

A psychologist friend of mine points out that every person must go through the process of individuation, separating themselves into an independent adult instead of a dependent child. Problem is, they are not yet equipped in most cases to actually be an adult, yet they MUST test the boundaries constantly. And you must maintain boundaries. However, those boundaries must constantly change, since obviously you permit a 17-year-old to do things you would forbid a 13-year-old to do. And you do want them to individuate, and not be a dependent child forever.

You also have to watch for any signs that moodiness is not something more serious like clinical depression, bipolor disorder, or some other malady. Not an easy thing to do.

One of the things I told both daughters was that if EVER they were someplace they didn’t want to be, either physically or in any other way, to call me. I didn’t care what the reason was. The first priority would be to get her home, safe. Then we could talk about what went wrong. Believe it or not we had to do that a number of times.

The good news is that at some point, lord willing and the creek don’t rise, your offspring will out of a clear blue sky come and ask you for advice. You will give it and they will follow it, and they will thank you.

32

One does their best, teaching them the “right” things. And always remember, no matter what, they are their own person. No matter what you’ve taught them, they become who they choose to be. Mine is 33, but I realized many years ago, that you can only do your best and trust that you’ve taught what they need in life. Then, it’s up to them.

33

I was, indeed, once a teenage girl.

I don’t think I was as bad as I could have been, however, I was no picnic. When I look back and wonder how things may have been better all around, a few things come to mind.

There will be a time when her friends are an all consuming process. Please, don’t hate every single friend she has. I’m 40, my mother has never liked ANY of my friends. Including boyfriends and even now, my husband. Needless to say, I do not trust my mothers judgment about anyone in my life. I know the answer. As an adult with perspective, I understand it now, I certainly didn’t then. It would have been nice to have been able to have friends come over, but I didn’t dare, I didn’t want to hear the shit. Let me emphasize, you do NOT want to be the parent your kid is afraid to bring their friends around.

Value WHO she is, not who you think she should be. Acknowledge the good things she does that display her character. Ultimately, her character is what her life will be based on.

Upthread was mentioned, don’t make every fleeting interest into a career. If she picks up a Rubik’s Cube, don’t enroll her in the physics club. Let her interests ebb and flow, encourage diversity and exploration. (BTW, the astrophysicist mentioned upthread is Neil DeGrasse Tyson, he was recently on The Daily Show, you can watch it on Hulu.com)

We aren’t birds, don’t throw her out of the nest and expect her to fly. She’s been working on walking out your door for many years. Act like you expect her to grow up. Prepare her. Teach her about finances, budgets.

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. I had a curfew. I believe that curfews serve two purposes, one, it gets your kid home at a time you agree on and to me, most importantly, it gives your child an “out” of doing something they may not be comfortable with. You are the parent, allow them to make you be the bad guy sometimes to allow them to safe face with their peers.

Her looks. My god, if you notice a zit, it is THE END OF THE WORLD. There is a happy medium between telling her she is beautiful enough to be a super model (even if she is) and being overly critical. Trust me, she’ll start dressing in ways you won’t imagine.

Never, ever underestimate what a small gesture or comment can do. When I was dating, I came home late one night, we really actually did have car trouble. When I came home, my stepfather was sitting in the chair waiting. He stood up, put a quarter in my hand and said “It fits every payphone in town.” and turned around and went to bed. I felt like the worlds biggest jerk. It never happened again. Another occasion, I loved decorating my room. One day, in comes my stepfather, he says “It’s amazing the things you come up with to decorate, you can really do a lot with very little.” A guy. Complimenting me on my design. WOW.

There is a huge struggle trying to become an adult. One minute, parents suck, the next, you got a kid that desperately needs a hug. Again, she isn’t a baby bird, let her come back to her childhood when she needs to. Think of it like punctuated equilibrium. Even the sea has rocks to crash on. She’ll learn from you how to handle conflict.

You probably won’t have any idea what she is really doing. To a certain extent, you’ve done what you can do to instill the desire to make good choices. I hope you have taught her was a true friend is, and how to distinguish them from acquaintances.

I guess what I’m trying to say is good luck. This too shall pass. Try to remain someone she WANTS to know, not someone she has to. I know the book gets a lot of flack, but I really like the book “Reviving Ophelia.” It goes into the types of experiences girls have.

I apologize for the length, it hits a bit close to home to me. I’m trying like hell to raise my daughter to be a good person and to not make the mistakes my mother made.

34

I second everything Auntbeast said.

My parents had a really silly curfew. I had to be home by midnight regardless of the event, up until I was 18, got married, and left home. Also if I was late and called home to let them know, I got chewed out twice, once on the phone and again the next morning. So I never bothered.

With my own girls, I was much more flexible. My younger daughter got into a bad problem of coming home later than expected. I explained it to her this way: “When you don’t come home when you say you will, I am afraid. If you call and tell me where you are and set a new time, at least I won’t be afraid. From now on, for every MINUTE I have to be afraid, you are grounded for one day.” She was much more timely - and considerate - after that.

Also, regardless of whether you like a friend (male or female) do not criticize that person to your child. Welcome the person into your home, invite them to supper, etc. If you criticize, your kid has to defend her choices, and it gives one more reason to “hate” you, and to see that person in order to show her independence. However, if you are welcoming, the kid will see soon enough if the friend fits in with the values you have presumably displayed. Or you may find the friend is not as bad as you though. Obviously this doesn’t apply in extreme situations when you have reason to believe your daughter might get into actual danger.