It’s in Mexico, in a particularly arty little town that my brother and his fiancee visted together and love.
It is not, however, a particularly warm spot in Mexico - it’s 57ºF there right now. So it’s not a warm-weather-beach-wear-linen kind of wedding.
Whynot - seriously, if this is his response then I would feel completely justified in saying “then don’t come” as well. I could understand if it was asking someone to compromise their own personal beliefs/ethics/morals or something, but if it’s just that they would prefer not to do something then, well, tough.
As you say this trip is being very generously financed by someone else and he’s not really in a position to complain about the terms being attached, and no-one’s forcing him to go.
How old is he? Six?
I’m sorry, that wasn’t very helpful, but seriously, if you spend time wondering about how you are going to phrase things to him so you don’t come off to him as “the boss of him,” there are deeper issues.
Ah yes, let’s continue this crap where we can all show off our wealth but demonstrating that we can afford to waste money on clothes only meant to be worn once a decade. The true value of a person is in their clothes after all, and we don’t want younger generations to get the idea that they are supposed to judge people on anything but apperance.
'im indoors is much the same when it comes to clothes - his usual attire is jeans and a t-shirt (always black, and almost invariably with some amount of toothpaste spilt somewhere).
He hates wearing suits and only does so for interviews and the direst emergencies. We managed to compromise with a pair of smart black suit-type trousers and a plain silky black shirt (both of which I had to shop for 'cos he’d just buy the first black outfit he saw). It’s not a suit, it’s not scruffy, it’s just about acceptable for weddings and formal occasions.
I long ago accepted the fact that if I wanted to keep the bloke, I had to get used to his attitude. Compromise works well for us.
Actually, probably what he thinks is “Only an idiot would really care what I choose to wear, and if they’re such big idiots that they would be seriously put out by what I choose to wear, then they deserve to be seriously put out.”
Yes, I admit I have issues. Some of those issues include not making decisions for competent adults. I have no problem telling him my preferences, but I don’t have the right to tell him what to do. The invitation was addressed to the two of us - I can’t and won’t uninvite him.
You did note the part where I said we’d be getting the suit at a thrift store, right? A suit costs about the same as a pair of khakis, mock turtleneck and button up dress shirt when you’re shopping at Salvation Army. I also think he’d be behooved to have a suit on hand for his defense and job interviews, but he disagrees there. Okay.
I also don’t think a destination wedding is the place to make a statement about shows of wealth. If that was really a concern, it’d be most ethical not to go at all, right?
If you were expected to be showing off your wealth, they wouldn’t have offered to pay for your trip.
Just tell your SO that if he is unwilling to accept the conditions on the gift (i.e., cocktail attire), he has to gracefully decline the gift. They CAN put conditions on the gift, and they DID. Whether or not he thinks that is rude, it would still be rude of him to ignore that condition.
If you’re not the boss of him, you’re also not the mom of him: if he says “I’m not wearing a suit!” then, fine; he’s not going. It shouldn’t be your job to cajole him into behaving like an adult.
I ran into this with my own husband, over dress shoes. I pretty much said it’s a FEW HOURS OUT OF YOUR LIFE. It will make me happy, it will be showing respect for the wedding party, and it will attract far less notice to you if you just blend in. He fairly readily agreed (I had to pay for the shoes, though) but I think I would have gone nuclear if he’d kept resisting.
Honestly, it’s melodramatic to frame this into some kind of “they are oppressing me by telling me what to wear” objection. It’s a FEW HOURS, that’s what I would emphasize. A few hours of observing a social convention that is entirely reasonable. Just like it would be reasonable for him to ask that you NOT wear pajamas and bunny slippers to his dissertation defense.
If what’s really going on here is an unwillingness to go, then going without him is really the best solution. I’m glad you’re open to it.
Here’s my fear: He goes, and doesn’t wear a suit. Help me deal with ME, my feelings, since I’m not willing to control him.
What do you suggest I do/say to myself (or to my family or new inlaws) to alleviate my embarrassment over the situation?
Really, all I can control is myself, and I get that. I won’t tell him he can’t come, even if all he packs is a merkin and a hat. I will tell him I’m not happy, and I suspect that as my husband-and-best-friend-in-the-world (and especially given his own ambivalence) he’ll acquiesce and wear a “stupid suit”, for my sake, not theirs. Or that he won’t go, but it won’t be over the suit. I hope, hope, hope that this will all be one big non-issue.
But, to go back to the question in the title, what do you do when it’s your spouse who should be in Etiquette Hell? How do you deal with the situation? I’ve already ruled out overt control and passive aggressive manipulation, which leaves me with quiet seething, giddy laughter and dramatic “I told him!” declarations to my family, or hitting the bar early and often. There’s got to be a better way for me to deal with the me part of this, right?
THat’ not being the “boss of him” it’s telling him “Sorry, but you may not insult my family.” Inapporpriate dress in such a formal setting is disrespectful to the host.
My husband isn’t a total boor or anything, but we definitely have different perspectives and priorities when it comes to social niceties. So I’ve been in your shoes. I just remind myself that I am not his mom. I didn’t raise him. It’s not my job to raise him.
Yes, marriage sometimes means that one spouse polishes the rough edges off the other, but that doesn’t always happen. And I think it’s unhealthy when one spouse tries too hard to “make over” the other.
So let it go, and stop thinking that the world holds you accountable for your husband’s manners. They don’t. Anyone who does is wrong. Most people in your family and social circle probably recognize his other qualities and realize that you married him for other reasons. No one’s spouse is perfect. While its a drag that some of his less-admirable qualities are most on display when it comes to manners, that doesn’t make him a bad reflection on you.
The family are the ones who are insulting him by telling him what to wear – not that a destination wedding isn’t an insult enough already. People who demand that other people buy plane tickets to Mexico have no business telling them what to wear when they get there. If they actually care what their guests are wearing, then they’re just bad people.
Thanks. This is what I need to remember.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
We are not the same person, and people won’t judge me for what he does.
(I hope!)
Are they scriptwriters?
I understand where you’re coming from with the “how can I come to terms with this to make me feel better?” attitude. I’ve had to deal with that myself.
But upon thinking about it I just can’t come up with a way that you will be able to really roll with it. You’re going to feel stressed up to and during the wedding, knowing what’s in store with regards to his attire. You’re also going to feel hurt because of his attitude towards your feelings.
I honestly don’t see how you will be able to feel better about the actual situation. It’s a noble thought to try, but it’s just not fair and it’s very hard to rationalize. All I can think of to do is to not make this some big 50-year fight about “remember when you dressed like a homeless person for my brother’s wedding?” You’re going to have to let bygones be bygones AFTER the event. But up until and during the wedding, you’re going to be miffed.
I think you might be misinterpreting why they specified attire on the invitation. They may just be giving fair warning about the type of party they are having. This is actually a good thing, as many people want to have the opportunity to plan for appropriate clothing.
WhyNot, I totally agree with you regarding wearing appropriate clothing. But do you think you could make what he already has appropriate? I’m not sure “cocktail” necessarily means a suit. It definitely means a jacket and tie. If he has a nice sport coat, could you get him a decent white dress shirt & a tie and use that to spruce up the coat?
And if they do that really isn’t your fault, you’ve done what you can.
She left out the part where they demanded anything–perhaps you have some knowledge of their strongarm tactics which have not been shared with the rest of the readership here? This would surprise me, not only because of the conventional meaning of “invitation” but also because WhyNot indicated that her husband was free to not come–and, in fact, he might be contemplating that.
Although I often disagree with your opinions, I confess that I would likely concur with you in questioning the decency of people who DEMANDED that people buy plane tickets to Mexico (or anywhere). But we clearly have a much different understanding of what this situation is.
But damn, if threats were involved, I wanna hear about it because this story just got very interesting.
I think you would have to choose between:
a) Don’t say anything, and let everyone assume that you approve of your husband’s boorish choice. And really, if you’re not willing to demand acceptable behavior from him, then this is partly true.
b) State your disapproval, in which case everyone will pity you for having a husband who cares more about wearing a t-shirt than humiliating his wife in front of her family.
The situation just sucks. I don’t think there is a choice that doesn’t reflect poorly on you, your husband, your marriage, or all of the above.