Adam & Eve … The Untold Story.

Just finished reading “The Forgotten Books of Eden” which forms part of "The Lost Books of the Bible.”

I found this version quite entertaining and at times it had me in stitches. I think it’s far better one then that which appears in the King James version of the Bible.

So Adam & Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden because of a misdemeanor after Eve was tempted by Satan in the guise of a walking talking serpent. Their new abode was “The Cave of Treasures” situated atop some random mountain.

I guess this move must have been quite traumatic for them. I mean in the garden they had plenty of water and the fruit found there “was much larger than the fruit of the land.” Just how much larger I’ll explain later. That and the fact that Adam lost his job as well because not only was he a gardener, he was also a zoologist … he named all the animals didn’t he?

And by the way I forgot to mention that God caused a divine wind to carry the walkie talkie Satan/serpent away and threw it on the seashore and it landed up in India. That’ll learn ya, you walkie talkie snakie thingee!

But back to the first couple. They must have been in a bad mood after their eviction because when they got to the cave they started muttering/praying in “their own language unknown to us but which they knew well.” Adam started bitching to God about the nights being too long, the cave being pitch black and that that had no food.

Adam you see was a real dumbass. Satan, who must have found his way back from India, kept trying to tempt Adam, while he Satan was in drag. He appeared to Adam as a beautiful woman, sometimes as several women and at times as an angelic being among other guises. Adam just couldn’t see thru Satan’s disguises so God had to keep baling him out. Adam used to sulk a lot too because whenever he couldn’t get his own way or when God stopped talking to him, “he fell down on the ground as if dead.” Then his mate had to pray to God to bring him back.

God must have got sick and tired of Adam’s whinging because he sent the angel Michael “as far as the sea that reaches unto India.” (What’s this love affair with India about?) There Michael took seventy golden rods which were from the Indian sea where there are precious stones and brought them to Adam. These rods would shine with light and put an end to Adam’s fear of darkness. What a baby!

Remember I said I’d get back to you about the big fruit? Okay. God brought Adam and Eve each two branches of a fig tree from the garden. A new wardrobe perhaps? On each branch there were two figs … now get this … the weight of each fig was that of a watermelon! Didn’t I say this was a cool story? So they took the figs and began to eat them, but God had put into them a mixture of savory bread (nice) and blood (yuck!) Now maybe that’ll stop your bitching for a while.

Later Eve gave birth to twins; Cain and his sister Luluwa. The meaning of Cain is “hater” … Wow, way to go A & E! And you wonder why he went off the rails … and Luluwa means “beautiful” because she was more beautiful than her mother. Later another set of twins were born … Abel and his sister Aklia.

And so they all lived together like happy happy cavemen and cavewomen until Cain turned fifteen and Abel twelve. Then Adam had an idea. “We should find wives for them.” Duh! Now that ought to tax his brain. I mean a choice of two, three females if you count mama. Then he saw the light and announced: “Cain can marry Abel’s twin sister and Abel can marry Cain’s twin sister.”

Anyway they put the marriage thing on hold for a while because the brothers had to sacrifice to God. Cain built an elaborate altar for his sacrifice while Abel just threw a few stones together. Then they sat back and waited to see if their offerings would be accepted. Soon a divine fire came down from heaven to accept Abel’s offering but Cain lucked out … no fire for him. Bummer!

Being blown off like this by God caused Cain to get seriously miffed off so he invited his brother to take a stroll with him out into a field. Here he wacked Abel with his staff until he was stunned. Abel then apparently told Cain to stop messing about and do a proper job of killing him. “Finish me off with a large stone brother.” Cain obliged and bashed Abel’s brains out with said large stone.

When Cain was seventeen and a half he married his sister Luluwa and they left home to go to the bottom of the mountain. There his sister “bare him children who in their turn began to multiply in degrees until they filled the place.” Like a population explosion.

Meanwhile back atop the mountain Adam and Eve hadn’t had any sex for seven years. Then she conceived and a beautiful son was born. Oh oh, Luluwa was beautiful and look what happened. Adam named the boy Seth that means … wait for it … “that God has heard my prayer and has delivered me out of affliction.” But wait, that’s not all. It also means “power and strength.” And after that A & E never had sex again.

Adam told Seth to marry the late Abel’s twin sister Aklia and when he was fifteen he did so. Now by my reckoning Aklia must have been about twenty two when Seth was born which would have made her about thirty seven when they married. Was Aklia the very first cougar? When Seth was twenty, a son Enos was born plus other children. Enos grew up, married … Exactly who? … and Cainan was born. Cainan married … Again who? And Mahalaleel was born.

Adam died at the end of 930 years on the 15th day of Barmudeh after the reckoning of the sun at the 9th hour – a Friday, the same day he was created. Seth’s children were named “Children of God.” They did no earthly work and all they did was praise God with psalms and doxologies. All the time they heard the voices of angels when they went on errands or when they were going up to heaven. They lived only 15 “spiritual” cubits from the garden. One “spiritual cubit equals 3 cubits of man." Seems to me they didn’t only grow fruit in the garden! Must have been weed too.

Seth died aged 912 years on the 27th of the month Abib. By now Cain had a large progeny who married frequently being given over to lust so that their land was filled with them. Lameth the Blind was a son of Cain and he in turn had a son named Atun. Hmmm … shades of Ancient Egypt. Atun’s mother was Hazina. One day Lameth was with Atun who was guarding their cattle. Atun was afraid to be alone because he was afraid robbers would attack him.

Cain went looking for them and the boy Atun mistook him for a robber. I mean their land was “full of them” so maybe he didn’t recognize his own grandpa. Yeah right! Then Lambeth … remember he’s blind … has Atun point him in the direction of the “robber” and he shoots his father Cain in the side with an arrow. Now if I ever shot my old man in the side with an arrow he’d have had quite a bit to say to me. Not so Cain. Lameth the Blind then strikes Cain in the head with a stone from his sling … so hard that both Cain’s eyes pop out of his head and he falls to the ground dead. Atun the idiot tells Lameth that he’s just killed his father. This so angers Atun’s dad that he grabs his son and smashes his head with a rock until he’s dead. Like father, like son.

It seems early historians wrote to be interesting and to pot with accuracy.

cite?

No really, what can you tell about the source material?

That’s a cool story. That’s fiction though, right?

Biblical fan fiction?

You just story telling? Or looking for a discussion?

What discussion?

It’s a interesting book, as are most of the Apocrypha. Better to prayerfully read it then take someone’s summary IMHO.

Its stuff left out of the bible by Constantine and his cronies yonks ago when he saw a cross in the sky.

Citizen Manson … I really dig you man cos you appear to be of the cosmos.

The original is in the Lost Books of the Bible. I have like dressed the story up using poetic license and my imagination here and there. I’m a writer so I write. What more can I say?

It is a very interesting book kbird. My post is a parody. I don’t take life too seriously.:stuck_out_tongue:

Its an article elbows … maybe a story. Surely to goodness & mercy not everything posted on these Boards has to be “discussed”?

Of course if you feel the urge to make a point … feel free to do so.

Cool, thanks for sharing!

Pseudepigrapha, more properly. Apocrypha refers to a collection of books held as canonical by the Catholic & Orthodox Churches but rejected by Protestant religions. Pseudepigrapha is a collection of extra-canonical material of varying quality, often attributed to people who it’s not accepted wrote them (Enoch, Moses, etc).

This is a discussion board. Even in “Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share,” the presumption is that, if you start a thread, you’re looking to have other members discuss the topic with you.

If all you’re looking for is, “cool story, dude,” this might not be the discussion board for you.

another take – Mark Twain’s The Diaries of Adam and Eve

Sigh! OK.

No, not OK. For what its’ worth I dig ancient fan fic, pseudepigrapha, apocrypha, whatever. But I don’t necessarily have the time/drive to seek it out on my own. While OP is clearly meant to be taken with a grain of salt, I find myself intrigued and just might follow up by doing the reading on my own.

Peeps need to lighten the hell up and stuff their junior mod hats back into their My Little Pony knapsacks. Also, quit trying to rebrand this place as a “Discussion Board” when I have it on good authority the place is in fact self-named as “Straight Dope Message Board”. Seriously, how you gonna preach nuance and pedantry while ignoring the bold print at the top of the page?

Hey, now, my knapsack is a Star Wars Rogue One model. :smiley:

Jamie,
I think I like you. We need new posters here. Peeps here are cool and smart as hell (excluding yours truly, of course). They suffer no fools. Your OP here is very interesting and funny-ish. Get your cites lined up before posting is my advice. And we need pix of the cats, asap.

ETA, are you in a religious occupation?

Dammit…you (Kenobi) have a red avatar and it made me read that a “Rouge One” and now I’m running ALL the SW movies in my head with everyone in gaudy burlesque theater make up. Chewbacca with pink cheeks and flaming red lips is particularly disturbing. Curse my goddam squirrel brain…

Awesome!

(FWIW, when I played the Star Wars MMO, I briefly played a red Twi’lek named Rouge One. :smiley: )

Beck (who is awesome) gives good advice here. You’ve probably already seen that part of the culture on the SDMB is that citations (“cites”) or links are expected. So, if, for example, you were reading an article about something, and wanted to discuss it, include a link to that article.

If you’re looking to share your hypotheses / beliefs about something (like your thread about aliens), and are hoping to demonstrate to people here that your hypothesis might be vaild, they’re going to want to see evidence (which means links to that evidence); “I think it’s possible” isn’t generally seen as convincing here, and quoting experts (for example, you cited Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan, and quoted Hawking) is nearly always better received if you provide a link to that quote, to provide context.

In your initial post in this thread, it wasn’t clear to me that everything but the first two sentences was your creative writing based on what you’d read, which you wanted to share. I might suggest stating something like that as part of your initial post.