ADD or something else? (Long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My husband is a clinical psychologist who has expertise in working with people who have ADHD, among other things. He was telling me about an ADD-diagnosed client of his last night and I laughed and said, ‘‘That sounds like me.’’

He was like, ‘‘No really, it does.’’

Apparently he’s suspected I have ADD for a while. We went through the list of symptoms and while he’s fairly convinced (I’m not hyperactive, but there are attention issues) I have ADD, I’m reading descriptions of people with this disorder and it’s not… quite… fitting… but fitting enough to make me convinced there may be something really going on.

These are the pieces that make me doubt:

  1. I have always been described as ‘‘conscientious’’ on report cards and school assessments, my academic performance has been superior to the majority of my peers in high school and probably the top ten percent in college. I had perfect grades in grad school (I know, not as hard.) People perceive me as a high achiever, highly organized, reliable, things I in no way associate with ADD. (I have had a few jobs completely fall apart in which I was perceived as the opposite, but I hated those jobs. When I am passionate about what I am doing, I am on pointe.)

  2. I live by deadlines. If I have one, I will meet the deadline. If I don’t have one, the thing will never get done. Self-imposed deadlines do not seem to work. I absolutely fall apart without structure. I’ve been teased for how organized I am at work and school, but I cannot accomplish anything without these methods. I probably spend more time constructing elaborate systems of organization than I do accomplishing anything. To give a work example, I always meet fixed deadlines, but there are certain grants that have rolling deadlines, meaning no fixed due date. I’ve still got shit on my calendar that was supposed to go out in August. I have no supervisor right now, which is exacerbating the problem.

  3. I’ve never been disruptive in class, a loud talker, or anything associated with hyperactivity. I’ve always been quiet and studious and introverted and I can sustain attention on academic tasks for long periods of time.

These are the things I find problematic:

  1. I can’t concentrate worth a damn on what people are saying to me. It’s always been that way. Lectures, work meetings, conversations with friends, my own therapist, fucking job interviews, I always end up in some other train of thought and then I have to pretend I was paying attention. The only person to whom I will admit when I wasn’t listening is my husband, and it drives him nuts. It’s not for lack of interest, I just start thinking about something else, which leads to something else… etc.

  2. I am really disorganized in terms of personal belongings. Messy and always losing crap. My desk at work is spotless but that’s a very small environment to manage. My house is a different matter entirely. Every night before bed I end up looking for the same damned things. Medication, blanket, sleep mask, glasses. I can’t find shit. Every morning, always looking for the same damned things.

  3. I really seem to fall apart without structure. Every time I’ve been unemployed, it’s been for over a year, not because I can’t find a job but because I can’t get the applying shit done. I am always distracted by some other shit. This makes me severely depressed, or maybe being depressed makes me unable to get shit done (more on that in a minute.)

  4. I lose time all the time. I have spent entire days shopping for a single household item on Amazon or Etsy. I sometimes spend hours (yes, hours) on a single post here on the Dope. I become so absorbed I forget everything else. I come home from work thinking I’m going to get all this shit done and then I blink and it’s time for bed. Even at work, there are certain things it takes me way longer to do than it should. I have to check double check triple check everything I do because I’m not confident it’s right. I obsess over organizational programs and applications to try to get my life together and stay on task, and entire days can be swallowed up just trying to get organized. I feel like I’m always trying to get my shit together and am always overwhelmed by the tasks I have to complete. And honestly, my life isn’t that hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

  5. This is just an additional data point, but a few years ago I took an IQ test as a favor to a graduate student. I scored in the Superior intelligence range - BUT - he told me my score on processing speed was significantly lower than the rest of my scores, thus dragging down my overall score. Apparently, that’s a common issue with people who have problems with inattention, and IQ tests are sometimes administered specifically to look for this pattern in people who have ADD.

All of the aforementioned symptoms drive my husband apeshit, by the way.

Yes, I have had anxiety and depression, and yes, both of those things are known to cause impairment. But I’ve been anxiety and depression free these days, am feeling highly motivated to accomplish everything in the world, and nothing is getting done. I came home early last night because it was clearly one of those days when I couldn’t focus at work, my plan was to work on my novel, instead I spent the evening posting online, and the only thing I managed to accomplish was scooping the cat litter (remembering to do this daily has been a herculean undertaking, I’ve tried god knows how many behavioral intervention techniques over the last few months and nothing seems to be working.)

Anyway, I’m going to see a specialist, obviously, but I wondered if anything jumps out at you as the potential culprit. I admit some of the descriptions of ADD are dead on, but others seem really off, as I’ve never been perceived as having significant problems at work or school. In fact, when I floated this idea of having ADD to my friends, nobody took it seriously. But if not ADD, what?

I did, in the 4th grade, have a sudden decline in my grades (As to Ds) due to missing or incomplete assignments, my Mom rifled through my desk and found a ton of half-completed assignments, including 3 of the same assignment, half-done. But she made me start keeping stuff in color coded binders and my grades shot back up for 5th grade and beyond. She was abusive and had unreasonable expectations, but her main issues with me were always 1. I didn’t pay attention. 2. I didn’t do things she told me to do. 3. When I did get around to tasks, I did them carelessly. 4. I was lazy. Is it possible she was right?

Thanks, as always.

2

That there is a symptom. Take it from someone who “concentrates like a bouillon cube” and who has had a coworker who would go off like a hound behind a task so long as they had originated it (any externally-given task would not get done unless he had someone staring at him; whether he understood it and its importance was completely irrelevant).

Women tend to have less of a hyperactive component, or none. “When a boy is bored in class, he starts bouncing; when a girl is bored in class, she starts daydreaming”. Many students learn techniques to daydream while looking terribly attentive, and a surprising amount of teachers either can’t tell or don’t care (the student isn’t being disruptive).

It might be a mild case of ADD, which in your case uses external structures to provide direction. Dad and I might have had mild ADD as well, but in our case the corrective structures are mainly internal. But in any case, it’s a point in a spectrum, in a long scale: it’s not as if people go from “being completely attentive 100% of the time” to “completely unable to concentrate”.

The key question isn’t “what do I label myself”, it’s “do I function well within human society”. The labels are important inasmuch and so long as (only so long as) they make communication easily. My classmates who “didn’t read well” now can say “I am dyslexic”, but that doesn’t make the letters stop dancing - it is useful if and only if the person to whom they’re talking understands the word dyslexic.

3

Well, I am highly motivated by what other people think of me and my performance, so if someone gives me an external task, I usually get it done. I think my mother’s perception of me as intentionally lazy and careless really drove me to prove her wrong, and school was the most obvious way of doing that. She always said there was something ‘‘seriously wrong with me’’ and my teachers thought she was nuts. They were right, but maybe she was somewhat right, too.

It’s the self-direction I really struggle with. I don’t know why it’s so much harder for me to manage my life in the home environment. My life is not that hard. I work part-time, I’m ostensibly supposed to be working on my novel the other part (it does happen, but not as consistently as I would like) and just managing household stuff like chores and finances, but it feels like too much to keep track of and nothing ever gets done.

As far as how a label would be useful, I dunno, maybe it would help me learn some skills to actually accomplish stuff instead of feeling like I am swimming in a giant insurmountable sea of tasks I can never seem to complete.

4

OK, so we know that you need someone to provide direction on how to become more self-directed. That would be your therapist.

And you need to speak with your job about having someone supervise you and make sure you don’t “lose” tasks. I’m giving you homework: talk with your job about that before tomorrow EoB.

5

Yes, it sounds like ADD, from what you’ve said so far. You’ve set up some elaborate coping mechanisms, which have gotten you through rough spots, and there are areas that still give you trouble.

My daughter and I both have ADD diagnoses. I graduated Stanford with honors, so grades and ADD are not mutually exclusive. There were times were I really had to struggle to put systems in place to get things done. Stupid stuff would kill me. I’d miss points because I didn’t notice an entire problem on a test, things like that. I had teachers seat me alone in the front of the room because I was too easily distracted. It sounds like the systems your mom put in place when you were younger (the folders and so on) actually might have helped you.

Going to talk to an expert sounds like a good idea. Medication helps. Stuff that was insurmountable before seems trivial now. I think that people tend to dismiss the idea of medication for this, but there is good evidence that the ADD brain structure is actually different. There are also some really good books on how to work through ADD for women and girls (it’s different than for the males of the species) that might be helpful.

I will note that like you, I perform better with a concrete goal and a certain amount of stress. Open ended doesn’t get done (although I’m much better now). Also, someone with ADD can focus intently on some things. My daughter can focus for hours on books about dragons. Prior to medication, she had a very hard time focusing on homework. I was probably the same way with horses at her age. Anyway, the point is that ADD doesn’t mean you can’t pay attention, just that the way you pay attention may be selective, and not always self-selective.

TL;DR Yes, I think it’s plausible you may have ADD. You should follow up on that.

6

Do the descriptions of hyperfocus sound familiar?

I was never diagnosed, but hyperfocus is basically how I get stuff done. It’s hyperfocus or “squirrel!” for me. If I’m reading the house can fall down and I won’t notice. I’m good at hyperfocus. I should probably add it to my CV “hyperfocus ninja master (pretty shit when not in hyperfocus, sorry)”.

7

Yes. I once played a video game I loved for 18 hour straight. (Champions of Norrath.) I played it so often my roommates called it ‘‘Champions of Spice Weasel.’’

Don’t even get me started on how I am when I’ve got a new novel in the works. I don’t eat, sleep, or pay attention to anyone. 12-16 hour days nonstop are pretty typical. When i am really focused on something, I am oblivious to what’s going on around me.

I feel like I have two modes: constantly pushing myself to focus on a task for a set period of time (15 minutes to go. Just 15 more minutes and you can stop) or becoming so engrossed in a task I lose sight of everything else on my plate.

Hence the feeling of ‘‘losing time.’’

8

For what it’s worth, it would not surprise me to find that you had ADD. I was diagnosed when I was 11, and you and I share some things in common (particularly your points-in-favor of Nos. 1, 3, 4 and your 4th grade experience). Doesn’t mean it can’t be anything else, but I don’t find the idea the least bit shocking.

9

Not like I can diagnose you or anything, obviously. But it helped me work things out. I don’t have an official diagnosis and don’t feel I need one.

It’s nice that maybe I’m not the only person in the world who would choose death over having to go back to primary school but can sit and read the Decline & Fall from start to finish :stuck_out_tongue: It’s nice to read and recognise. Other than that I don’t know what I would do with a diagnosis.

10

Dad and I (and perhaps Jay as well) got lucky in that we hit upon professions that really grab us, but I need to have my “framework” in place in order to do a good job; I need to know clearly what is it I can decide myself and what not. It can be very wide, it can be very narrow, but it’s got to be there. I’m always surprised by people who think I’m working without a plan… I have not told them what it is, so they think I don’t have one. There is always a Plan, can’t work without a Plan.

I’m wondering, how are you guys about doing several related things at the same time? Us three consider it routine to have a pot of sauce on while we egg and batter the fish and slowly boil the pasta, but any interruption will produce a nuclear-level Roar of Doom “damnit, now I don’t know what I was doing! Is somebody bleeding? If there isn’t nobody bleeding, don’t interrupt the cook!”

11

Now that’s me. I can turn into one of those cyborg radar laser eye tracking engines of destruction, all my attention focused on locating and destroying my objective. When that turns off then I’m not even sure what I’m responding to here. Oh yeah, something about ADD, yeah, you and me and the OP got it.

12

Well, I am going to see a doctor today to see if there’s anything to it, and if so, where to go from here.

13

Those kind of dishes that require more than one pot are quite overwhelming to me.

14

That was about the most useless therapy appointment I’ve ever had. “You just need to do your chores every day. You should come up with a plan.” Lady, are you even listening? Rawr.

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

15

Remember, my child: there is no internet in prison. It’s not worth it.

16

I need to see a specialist. My husband actually has access to a computerized ADD test that he administers regularly, I can’t remember what it’s called, but it measures processing speed. He suggested I take it this weekend and see what results I get. I have a psychologist who is qualified to diagnose ADD telling me he thinks I have ADD, but he isn’t my therapist, he’s my husband.

Right now I feel like he’s the only advocate I’ve got.

17

Wow. I read through your OP and I was like, “Clearly, Spice Weasel is a female alternate personality of mine. That all sounds very familiar.” Then you said this, and it totally confirmed it. :slight_smile: Heh. Champions of Norrath, that was fun.

And for what it’s worth, I was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago, in my mid-thirties, and the medication helps a great deal.

18

Talk to someone else… that was one of the most useless pieces of feedback I have ever heard.

Pssst - there might be. (Spice Weasel don’t read this part. ;))

Yes, take some online tests if it will reassure you. I did some of that too, as a validation after I realized how much I matched the diagnosis that my daughter I had just gotten. Then I talked to my psychiatrist. You do have other advocates. We aren’t in Michigan, but we’re here for you.

19

You don’t sound like you really have a problem. Things can change, hyperfocus doesn’t come as readily as I need it now, I have other medical issues and they exacerbate problems, but for most of my life I did just fine, I seemed weird to some people, but amazing to others. So you’re messy, big deal, cleanliness is next to godliness, and so is messiness, it’s just on the other side. And I love deadlines too, if I don’t have one I may never get anything done. I was just cutting some bricks for my outdoor kitchen, an ongoing process for the last 5 years. I have a bunch of materials and a half finished jig for a high altitude balloon project I want to complete but there are too many practical matters to tend to first. So half of what I start will never get done, I don’t care, I’m glad I at least started those things instead of living a life with no adventure.

20

There’s a thin line between pathologizing every idiosyncrasy and ignoring a problem that impedes your ability to function. All I know is I have a set of problematic behaviors that are both deeply entrenched and seem to be standing in the way of me reaching my goals. My lack of progress causes me and my husband significant stress. I would like to address those behaviors using every tool at my disposal. Maybe a huge part of it will be accepting my imperfect self, or maybe a diagnosis would help me accept my imperfect self (since my resounding cry my entire life has been ‘‘I have no self-discipline. I am a bad and lazy person.’’) Maybe my expectations for myself are unrealistic and I need to work on that. Maybe my husband’s expectations are unrealistic. I don’t know but I am going to get to the bottom of it, because that is my nature.

I talked to my therapist (my actual, regular one) at length, on the phone. She thinks there could definitely be some ADD going on, but she thinks it may be developmental/trauma related (perhaps even executive functioning problems related to the physical abuse and seizure activity.) This might mean a different approach than standard ADD treatment may be helpful. She was a bit worried I’m giving too much credibility to my Mom and her view that something was seriously ‘‘wrong’’ with me. She advised me to see a specialist, to take the processing speed test, warned me that ADD medication will probably cause my anxiety to skyrocket and that she does not recommend medication given the complexity of my psychological profile (and I am on a lot of meds already, both SSRI and anticonvulsants.) She also gave me some concrete skills to help get through the difficulty of daily tasks. (Basically: think on a micro scale. This is hard for me because I’m very macro in thinking. Hell, I specialized in macro social work.) Now I feel less in crisis mode and more, ‘‘Okay, deep breath, we’re gonna figure this out.’’

Shitty therapists, take notes… that is how you help a client.